Sorry if this is a trigger for anyone
I read on here about ts saying I love you to their clients, they don't mean in a sexual way but more a mutual respect kind of way.
My ts have never said it and I would not like it if they did.
I personally don't think it is very ethical and encourages transference and dependency.
It would be very hard for a client to walk away from a t who said that!
What do you think?

[stopdog]

Happily for me, I cannot see either of the ones I see ever saying such a thing. In the extremely unlikely event it should it happen, I would assume the woman had gone mad or was lying. And I don't love her.

[RTerroni]

I think it crosses the line, one of the main reasons why Therapists can't have intimate relationships with their Clients.

[JaneC]

To me it would seem incredibly inappropriate, and not therapeutic......and I would run a mile if it were to ever happen.

[sunrise]

I have had one T say it. It was not a problem. It did not encourage transference or dependency. My guess is my T would not have said it if it was going to cause problems for me. We didn't have transference problems before or after. I feel sure he would not say it to every client because some would misinterpret it.

My T has said it to me once, kind of in passing actually. It seemed very natural and spontaneous at the time -- completely appropriate in the context of what was going on. It didn't cause any transference problems or dependency issues. It just was an honest sentiment and completely fine -- kind of like how you say I love you to a family member I guess. Just genuine affection for the person.

I think the appropriateness of it would depend on the kind of relationship that exists. Obviously it would be inappropriate if it was meant in any way other than completely platonic. And if a T was working with a client with transference, attachment, dependency issues, it would probably cause more issues than help. But with a T who has good boundaries and a client who can accept those words at face value without reading more into it than it is, it is probably not a terribly big deal.

As with all things therapy, the context and relationship dynamics are everything.

[FeelTheBurn]

As much as it might be something I'd sometimes like to hear, it would really derail me and create a very unhelpful tone, no matter how platonic it's intended. Fortunately, I can't imagine my T telling me that, even if she actually felt it. While I actually believe (non-romantic) love is an important component of therapy, verbalizing it might feel like a boundary violation.

Though, when we've done all the work we can do together, and we're saying goodbye, hearing her say it would be a lovely gift.

[anilam]

Generally speaking, yes, I think it's boundary-crossing.
But every client is different and I can well imagine some that would profit from T saying I love you. For me, however, it would be. TBH, I cant even imagine my T saying it- sounds too ridiculous.

[rainbow8]

Once I asked my current T to say "I love you" to my child part. T had asked what that part needed. T said "I love HER", not "I love you". I asked her why she said it that way, at another session, and she said she reserves "I love you" for her family and close friends. I can understand that. However, she wrote "love and hugs" on the birthday card we made together the first year I was seeing her. I know writing "love" on a card is different. I sign emails and cards "love" to friends while I wouldn't say it to them in person.

I know that some Ts do say "I love you" to their clients, but I don't think it's appropriate except in rare circumstances. I think it would be confusing, but I suppose it depends on how and when it is said, and on the individual. If my T said it to me I'd definitely obsess forever about what she meant! I'm glad she made the distinction when she said "I love HER" that time. She never said that again, and I didn't ask her to.

[scorpiosis37]

Like Chris, I think it entirely depends on the context in which it is said and on the individual relationship between the client and the T. If a client clearly has attachment/transference issues, I agree that it would be unhelpful to trigger those issues with that kind of statement. It may also simply be untrue in many cases. However, there are definitely circumstances in which I think saying "I love you" to a client is appropriate. After years of working closely with a client, developing a secure attachment, and establishing healthy boundaries, I think saying "I love you" may be both genuine and an affirming recognition of the work that has been done together.

While my T has never said "I love you," she has said "I care about you very deeply" and "I feel a great deal of tenderness towards you." She also hugs me at the end of every session, and treats me very warmly. Because I have a secure attachment with my T and no desire for a relationship with her beyond that of client/T, saying/doing those things does not create a transference issue or a sense of dependency. Rather, because she says things like "I care about you" in a spontaneous and heartfelt way when I'm struggling and in need of nurturance, it helps me feel "noticed" and it gives me some of what I needed. I takes these comments at face value and don't feel any need to "analyze" what they mean. It also makes no difference to me whether T says "I care about you" or "I love you" or any other similar variation. In our particular T/client relationship, I think it is only be a matter of semantics.

I love my T because of all of the ways she has helped me over the past 3 years and because of the strong therapy relationship we've built-- and I believe she loves me back. Whether or not she uses the word "love," I believe that she relates to me and helps me from a place of love. Yes, it is her job and I'm grateful for that-- because I need to have at least one "one-way" relationship in my life where I can get taken care of without having to take care of her in return. I just don't think that being her job prevents her from feeling love towards me, nor do I think feeling love in the context of a T/client relationship is inappropriate. As a student, I've felt platonic love for a couple of my professors over the years and, as a professor myself now, I've felt platonic love for a couple of students over the years, too. I think love often does develop in "the caring professions" and in mentoring relationships, and I think that's part of what makes us human and, often, what makes us good at our jobs. I think being invested in a client (or student) often makes us better at what we do. I also think a good T will have the insight to know if/when it is appropriate to express that love or caring to a client.

[Rive.]

I tend to agree with you there, monalisasmile. I think it can be a ‘dangerous’ thing to do esp for clients who are quite vulnerable, have dependency or attachment issues etc. Hearing this could raise so many expectations, hopes, desires, fantasies and so on.

As such, I believe Ts ought to be very very careful bandishing this expression willy-nilly. As in, be sure of the effect it will have on any particular client. In this sense, I would hope they know their client pretty well in order to be able to assess the impact of hearing it from our T. But yeah, generally speaking, I would be wary of this.

PS: actually, the more I think about this, the more I think it is not appropriate for a T to say it. You can show it (e.g. by consistent/thoughtful actions etc) but for a T to use those words, I don't think it has its place in the therapeutic 'space'.

[tealBumblebee]

My T says it often. Half the time I don't believe her, and the other half of the time i'm just like "... that'll change soon enough...always does..."

[SkinnySoul]

He has never said "I love you" and, to be honest, I...don't think I would like him to say it, despite my transference.

[ready2makenice]

Well my T has said I love you to me. The first time I thought it was crossing boundaries but realize it was needed in the context. I even asked her if that was appropriate. Even though I did develop transference later on it had nothing to do with those words. Sometimes during really trying weeks she'll throw one out there and of course it's not sexual but it's a mutual respect and care for one another and I now say it back. It doesn't bother me now,but I don't expect to hear it like I would from a SO or family member. I think if I were a T I'd probably never say I love you to a client.

I can see where it can cross boundaries and create transference but thank god I don't have those kind of feelings or attachment to the woman!!!

so it really depends on the client and their reasons for being in therapy!
I personally still don't see how it is appropriate under any context. It wouldn't feel real because we only see them for an hour a week and yes we might be truly ourselves with that t but we can't possibly really know the other to say that.
I personally wouldn't say it to anybody in my life only a significant other.
If a thinks it will help a client and only says it because of that reason they aren't being genuine. Love is such a string word with lots of different meanings to different people.
Here in my country if a therapist said that they would be arrested- I am not criticising anyone's t here but I would not allow mine to say it. I would not accept it.

[junkDNA]

my pdoc has said i love you maybe 3 times in our time together. hes been my pdoc sine i was 16 and im 26 now. well he stopped being my pdoc about 3 years ago when i entered a community residential program. he paid for me to go there so he couldnt work with me anymore, but we still keep in touch via text and handwritten letters. at the beginning of the year he sent me a check for 3,000$ in the mail. i was so shocked and didnt know what to say. he said he was paying it forward from a time someone in his past really helped him out financially. what he didnt know was that at the time iw as starving broke, no money at all, and eating cat food when i couldnt handle the stomach pains anymore. i ate a rotten onion and threw up and felt even sicker. i was so gracious for te money but have always felt guilt that he feels responsible enough to pay all this money for me to get well because he sent me to an abusive teen residentail wilderness program for out of control drug addicts and teenagers when i was 16. i guess he feels that it was his fault that i got abused so badly there

if my current T said i i love you i would freak out. my former T sexually abused me and it would trigger so much. i think my current T would know not to say that to me.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

'o.O Hugely inappropriate, comes to mind. I would freak out if my psychologist said that to me. >.<

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

so it really depends on the client and their reasons for being in therapy!
I personally still don't see how it is appropriate under any context. It wouldn't feel real because we only see them for an hour a week and yes we might be truly ourselves with that t but we can't possibly really know the other to say that.
I personally wouldn't say it to anybody in my life only a significant other.
If a thinks it will help a client and only says it because of that reason they aren't being genuine. Love is such a string word with lots of different meanings to different people.
Here in my country if a therapist said that they would be arrested- I am not criticising anyone's t here but I would not allow mine to say it. I would not accept it.

I think those words are not so weighted the same way to every individual. Coming from a very affectionate family, sharing "I love you" with each other very casually is just the way we are, so those words don't stay confined to just "love"/intimate relationships with significant others, but are also freely shared between extended family members and close friends in a completely platonic, supportive, friendly context.

In my case, my T knows that about me and my personality. He knows I don't have any transference feelings for him, no abandonment or dependency issues. He knows I don't overthink things or misinterpret friendly gestures as something more than what they are at face value, so he knows I can receive those words and not be bothered by them. I am sure he has other clients he would never consider saying those words to because it would open up a huge can of worms in their therapy. Again, it comes down to context and the relationship dynamic.

It seems completely odd that a therapist would actually be arrested for saying those words. Since when are words alone a crime? I can see the words combined with inappropriate sexual relations with a client being a criminal offense, but the words alone? Seems overboard.

[skeksi]

I don't think my T would ever say it, and I would never want him to. It would be too much to handle and cause really complicated reactions in me.

But I also think he feels it. And I feel it from him (and in return).

[stopdog]

I don't even want to feel what I define as love (both sexual and non-sexual) from a therapist. I don't see how one could work with one if that was going on.

I agree with stopdog. It is highly unethical for a therapist to say it under any circumstances. It is also projecting their feelings onto you. It is not therapy.

[stopdog]

To be clear, I don't want any part of any type of love combined with the therapist. But I don't find it unethical or distressing to me personally if others have a use for it.

[unaluna]

Methinks the ladies doth protest too much. You can keep people at arm's length, or you can get close to them. It's unfortunate that I don't know what it means to have a trustworthy person say they love me. It is scary. But just because my parents couldn't do that for me, do I have to go without that experience forever? I know I've messed it up with regular people, so now I'm trying to see what it means and how it feels to have a positive relationship with my t. That's it in a nutshell. Oh and btw, trying it on IRL too. But with t, I get to talk it to death.

[stopdog]

I think you choose who to get close to and who to keep at arms length. I have people in real life I love romantically and non-romantically. The therapist fits in neither category for me. I see no need for the therapist to do so for me, and truthfully I don't understand the idea of it where therapy is concerned. But if it helps others to feel it or think they feel it or struggle with it or be told by a therapist it is there, who am I to tell them they are wrong?

People will have a use for it but is it in their best interest to be told that their therapist loves them. It is supposed to be a professional relationship, your doctor or lawyer would not say I love you to a client( I hope)
Stopdog- apologies for misquoting you!
Hankster, I get the not getting that treatment from your parents, I didn't get it either but if my t started to tell me she loved me I would get confused with our relationship, it would blur the boundaries.