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  #1  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 08:57 AM
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lunatic soul lunatic soul is offline
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I had a discussion with my T about it so it would be interesting to know your opinion.

Do you feel like hugs are something sexual with your T and with anyone else?
Is it possible to hug attractive person and not to feel it sexual?
Is it okay to hug with T if someone feels this way?

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  #2  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:05 AM
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I don't find hugs sexual at all - unless the person hugging me touches my butt. I've never hugged my T and I'm not really a huggy person, but when other people hug me I definitely don't feel like it's sexual at all. It's either a demonstration of comfort or happy/thankfulness.
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Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:11 AM
JaneTennison1 JaneTennison1 is offline
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I've had one or two sexually charged hugs before. Where everyone lingers too long and wondering if a kiss can happen but never with a T. Always with someone who had mutual interest.
  #4  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:21 AM
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No I don't find a brief hug during therapy to be sexual.
  #5  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:30 AM
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I think hugs can be either sexual or non-sexual. A basic hug to me is more a gesture of acceptance, solidarity and comfort.
  #6  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:45 AM
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Not usually. Usually it's a comfort/friendship thing.

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  #7  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:14 AM
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No, hugs aren't sexual. That's why I hug family, friends, kids etc. of course if you're really attracted to someone then maybe a sexual thought crosses your mind in a hug, but maybe that thought crosses your mind just sitting across from them and no one would say sitting across from someone is sexual.

I agree with another poster, for a hug in and of itself to be sexual it would need to involve hands on my butt, maybe a kiss, grinding pelvises together, an unusually long embrace... Not the kind of hug I usually have with my T for sure. Lol, maybe this week I should try to grab his butt .
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  #8  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:17 AM
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Personally I do not give hugs to T or anyone other then my kids , for many reasons and one of them is I have a hard time dealing with boundaries .
  #9  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:26 AM
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I do not generally find them to be. I do not want to hug a therapist or most others, but my reluctance is not because I think they are sexual.
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  #10  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petra5ed View Post
of course if you're really attracted to someone then maybe a sexual thought crosses your mind in a hug, but maybe that thought crosses your mind just sitting across from them and no one would say sitting across from someone is sexual.
Some people DO say that, and thats why women in other parts of the world cant go about unaccompanied. Whenever i tried to talk about this with my parents, the bottom line was "what other people will think". Not the actual truth. I try to live my life by truth standards, not by guessing at what other people will think of me.
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  #11  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:35 AM
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I'm very huggy, but only a quick hug. Also I do the lean-in hug. The close hugs are reserved for my wife. You can hug anyone and it not be sexual. It's those lingering hugs that get out of hand in my opinion.
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  #12  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:54 AM
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I think they can be sexual. I certainly have ways I hug my H that aren't ways I'd hug anyone else. However, I don't think they are inherently sexual. You have to add something to a hug to make it sexual IMO.
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  #13  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 11:27 AM
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No, I don't think hugs are sexual in general. They are a form of affection, yes, but not sexual unless there is lingering, making it more of an embrace and/or hands in certain places.
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  #14  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:02 PM
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lunatic soul lunatic soul is offline
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Thank you all for your opinions.
Im sad that my T stopped to hug me because of this, I also dont think its sexual but he is sure it is. Maybe sexual isnt the right word to describe it but he asked me many times do his hugs turn me on. Now Im wondering is it even possible.
I miss his hugs so much. I know its impossible to ever hug him again.
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  #15  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by lunatic soul View Post
Thank you all for your opinions.
Im sad that my T stopped to hug me because of this, I also dont think its sexual but he is sure it is. Maybe sexual isnt the right word to describe it but he asked me many times do his hugs turn me on. Now Im wondering is it even possible.
I miss his hugs so much. I know its impossible to ever hug him again.
I think he stopped hugging you because you kissed him during a hug though right? I dunno, I think you can have sexual feelings hugging or not hugging, we are sexual beings, and therapy has a sensual kind of quality to it. But it's the kissing that definitely crosses a line, and beyond that actual sex etc etc.
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  #16  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:19 PM
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Are you still seeing that therapist? I thought you stopped.
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  #17  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:34 PM
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lunatic soul lunatic soul is offline
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Originally Posted by Petra5ed View Post
I think he stopped hugging you because you kissed him during a hug though right? I dunno, I think you can have sexual feelings hugging or not hugging, we are sexual beings, and therapy has a sensual kind of quality to it. But it's the kissing that definitely crosses a line, and beyond that actual sex etc etc.
We still hugged after that kiss but maybe if we never kissed I could hug him. Its so easy tto lose nice things...
  #18  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:37 PM
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Are you still seeing that therapist? I thought you stopped.
I stopped and then started again. But I have another T who is for free.
  #19  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 12:57 PM
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I worry that hugging her would bring up a lot of sexual feelings. But I also think that the experience would simply be emotionally overwhelming. I feel like I need touch so badly sometimes, there never seems to be enough. But I told her no hugs at the beginning because I have such a strong response--I worry that a hug could push me over the edge, and that we would never return.
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  #20  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 02:50 PM
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I too don't believe that hugs are sexual unless you are sexually attracted to the person and your hands are all over each other. Hugs in or out of therapy for me usually feel overall emotionally good. Like this person likes me enought to not be afraid to wrap their arms around me.
  #21  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 07:17 PM
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Minority opinion here and bit of a soapbox. I think hugs may be sexually charged in a therapeutic setting where transference is a risk. And if certain T's avoid hugs/touch on principle it's in their rights, although of course clients who need touch/reassurance understandably want to be matched with Ts who allow this.

End of first session my T touched my back -- presumably reassuringly -- and I flinched. I want to be able see any stranger's hand coming towards me. Not something she'll try again.

Hugs are too commonplace nowadays...I wish there were concrete social rules for them, e.g., after a second meeting for newly introduced relatives, third for friends/acquaintances, anything? I sometimes hug when it's not wanted, and definitely receive more hugs than wanted. It's confusing.

Which gets back to T. Shouldn't this discussion be part of the initial interview session so there are no surprises or hurt feelings? And do clients ask for hugs, or do the Ts offer them? How this even happens is unclear. Here
  #22  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 07:19 PM
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Hugs are not sexual at all to me.
  #23  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 07:23 PM
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I had this guy wanting to hug me all the time and I kept saying no so he chased me, and I really freaked out about it. My T called it "sexual harassment" because he wanted to touch me and I did not want him to. But I don't think of all hugs as sexual, more like friendly. But I agree with my therapist that the guy was sexually harassing me because of the not wanting to touch thing. Please don't comment saying that "its just a hug" because I have every right to say no to it and not be bothered.
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  #24  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 09:21 PM
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They can be but are not so necessarily and it's mostly just friendly. Imagine that parents hug their children, siblings hug each other, relatives hug each others, friends hug each other, etc, and many other cases where no sexual intent is meant. Kiss on the lips would be different for instance and though sometimes some people who are very friendly with each other do it, it leans too much towards the romance part.

In therapy I think people should do whatever makes them feel comfortable and cared for (within reason). If somebody is more touchy, a hug would do the trick. If somebody is not, or due to abuse finds hug triggering, then it should be avoided. Most therapists are mindful of this and so I think it's fine to bring it up with a T and saying you want hug (or don't want it).
  #25  
Old Dec 01, 2014, 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by krisakira View Post
I had this guy wanting to hug me all the time and I kept saying no so he chased me, and I really freaked out about it. My T called it "sexual harassment" because he wanted to touch me and I did not want him to. But I don't think of all hugs as sexual, more like friendly. But I agree with my therapist that the guy was sexually harassing me because of the not wanting to touch thing. Please don't comment saying that "its just a hug" because I have every right to say no to it and not be bothered.
Its more like kidnapping! Personal space, 18 inches or more - otherwise hey you could be taken hostage, given chloroform, struck - not kidding.
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