[newfuture]

I am a father of a few great children, in a painful divorce situation.
My children spend every second week with me, with the exception of my oldest daughter, aged 13.5, who has never visited, phoned, or written for over a year.

After begging my ex to allow my daughter to see a therapist, she began weekly visits some 6 months ago.
The therapist has written to me on a few occasions stating that:

• Daughter (D) is not open to her, does not express her feelings or reservations, does not answer questions, and is not able to communicate her worries or wishes to her therapist.

• The situation is making my D sad, but as therapist, she cannot say what is causing this.

• That we all have the same goal, that being to repair the contact between D and myself. Yet, whilst I have shown patience and willingness to find solutions by slowly restoring contact, the therapist still has no proposition concerning the rebuilding of visitations.

• D arrives to sessions accompanied with her mom, who waits for her to accompany her back to her home. I am concerned that this protective approach is not conducive to allowing any therapy to have effect.

Whilst my D may require help, it is also evident that the therapist she currently visits has not succeeded in her mission.

How many sessions and months should go by without considering finding a suitable therapist who can get my D to converse?
Is it time to change therapist?

It's hard to say with a teen who doesn't have a say in whether she even goes to therapy. Has she expressed whether or not this is something she wants to do?

Even as an adult who chooses (and pays a lot of money) for therapy, it has sometimes take months and years to feel comfortable. With my current therapist, though, I felt an immediate connection. I have no problem talking to her about anything. It makes me wonder if this is what I should have been looking for all along. If your daughter is open to therapy, then it might be worth trying one that she gets to pick.

[NowhereUSA]

I think adolescents are a hard case. My T works with teens and he talks about how hard it is sometimes to get them to be willing since they're being forced to be there. I think having some control can be helpful and yet, the right therapist might be able to help draw her out of her shell. Plus, it can be hard if you don't know how much is going to be passed along to your parents.

It might not be a good fit. Unfortunately, without your daughter's thoughts, it might be hard. She might need more time and switching Ts might only make things worse for her. On the other hand, maybe she can't stand this T and so she shuts down.

No way to know without your daughter's thoughts

[Soccer mom]

I had a friend in high school who was mad at her parents for making her go. So she either didn't talk to said what she thought the T wanted to hear. Your daughter would probably appreciate having some input if she hasn't so far.

[HazelGirl]

Could you ask your daughter why she does not want to speak to you? And really listen. If she is unwilling to tell you, could you ask her why she is unwilling to tell you?

[ScarletPimpernel]

When I started therapy as a teen, I never really opened up. I did have a therapist who I trusted too.

Being a teen is already difficult. Just try to continue to be patient and understanding.

Have you tried reaching out to her? Write her a letter, snail mail. Be sincere and support. Don't tell her you know what she's going through. Don't offer advice. Just offer her love and support and let her know you're still there and will always be there. Give it time. Most girls are "daddy's girls", and so there might be a sense of abandonment.

I was a "daddy's girl". My parents divorced when I was 17. The divorce was long overdue. My parents went into their bedroom. We could hear my mom crying. My dad walked out and told me and my sister they were going to get a divorce and he was leaving. He just walked out the door. He left me behind with my abusive mother who hated me. I felt so betrayed. My dad would come back to see my little sister, but he never said a word to me. I found out later that my mom was telling him I didn't want to talk to him, and she told me that he didn't want me anymore. If my dad and I would have just talked, he would have taken me with him and I wouldn't have wound up being kicked out of the house by my mom and homeless at 18.

Keep trying. Don't ever give up. But also understand that your daughter just might not be ready for therapy.

Also, if you're doing things for your other kids, make sure you do the same for your 13 yr old. If you take the others out for food, bring your daughter food. If you take them out clothes shopping, buy your daughter something...even a gift card. And always invite her. This will help her know that when she's ready to reach out, you will be there.

[NowhereUSA]

Oh Scarlet, that sounds terrible Were you able to reconcile with your father? I'm so sorry.

[growlycat]

Is your daughter angry with you?

If so is any of the anger justified?

I can see this from a kid's perspective because I WAS that kid. My parents did divorce in my preteens but the way my father handled it made things worse for me personally

He had an affair with a 19 year old friend of mine
He pretended for the longest time that my mom was crazy and he "wasn't having an affair"
He often stopped paying child support
He found another woman right away and gave me a hard time for not being immediately accepting of her
He was critical of me when HIS actions were causing me great pain

You might be the best dad in the world. I have no way of knowing one way or the other. Just take a look in the mirror before you blame a therapist

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Oh Scarlet, that sounds terrible Were you able to reconcile with your father? I'm so sorry.

I don't want to take away from OP's post, but yes, about 2 years later...he finally reached out to me . And we wound up having a great realtionship for about 3 years. But things happened and I haven't seen or spoken to him in 8 years. This last time was his fault (told me I was a disappointment to him, wished I wasn't in his life so he could be free, and on his birthday he just wanted to see me for 5mins to get his gift). I kicked him out of my life. He knows where I am. I have written him explaining why I did it. I love my dad still and I want him back in my life. But I want him to want me in his life. And if/when he reaches out, I will know that he does want me.

[feralkittymom]

That we all have the same goal, that being to repair the contact between D and myself. Yet, whilst I have shown patience and willingness to find solutions by slowly restoring contact,

Has your daughter articulated that she shares this goal? I guess I don't hear much room in your account for your daughter's feelings, probably anger, to be expressed. I don't think her mother taking her to therapy, and taking her home, is unusual or controlling. I assume she is not part of the sessions? But as the T seems to report to you, I assume she also reports to the mother. Even to me just reading on-line, it seems that your D has been made, despite any good intentions to the contrary, the "identified problem." Not surprising that a teen in such a situation isn't forthcoming.

[newfuture]

I'm new to this great forum, and really impressed by the prompt and varied feedback.

I have read with interest all the replies, and I am trying to figure out what sounds the closest to my situation.
I'm really in the dark, so it is extremely difficult to establish what are my daughters feelings without having the opportunity to listen to her.
The situation has recently become even more complex. My younger children are convinced that mom only loves oldest D because she doesn’t visit dad, and that mom spends much individual time with her when they are alone, doing great activities and eating special treats, etc etc.

I try to tell them that I’m sure that they are all loved by mom. They don’t accept this.

Matters are far worse than can be described on this forum. My 12 year old daughter is extremely jealous of older sister who does not visit me.

They don’t feel deprived by coming to me; they feel that they are being deliberately distanced and categorised as less favourable. Does that make sense?

I firmly believe that my children love coming to me. They express this openly.
Yet the amount of hostility is so unhealthy. All efforts at communication have been rebuffed. All attempts at resolving issues and reconciliation have been thwarted.

It seems evident that the court / mediators / myself are all powerless in stopping the conflict.

Excuse my frustration. I will now revert to your kind replies.

licketysplit wrote “It's hard to say with a teen who doesn't have a say in whether she even goes to therapy. Has she expressed whether or not this is something she wants to do?” … “If your daughter is open to therapy, then it might be worth trying one that she gets to pick.”

I know – beyond reasonable doubt – that dear ex has told D “You have to go to therapy ‘cos your dad has demanded so”.
I feel that she does not have to liberty to express her own feelings, and she doesn’t sense that mom is supportive of the therapy. Is forcing therapy akin with fighting for peace?
T told me that D probably feels like loyal carer and protector, making sure that mom is never alone etc. I am not convinced that D is accepting therapy on her own accord.
I have suggested in the past that my children chose a T they can relate too, This was denied too.

NowhereUSA wrote: “No way to know without your daughter's thoughts”
It remains an enigma.

Soccer mom wrote in similar vein: “Your daughter would probably appreciate having some input”. – How can I get her honest personal input ??

HazelGirl wrote: “Could you ask your daughter why she does not want to speak to you? And really listen. If she is unwilling to tell you, could you ask her why she is unwilling to tell you?” – with Zero communication, no telephones answered and snail mail confiscated, how on earth can I reach her???

To ScarletPimpernel: Thanks very much for the advice. I have you tried reaching out to her by snail mail. I believe it was confiscated by mom. I should try again soon.

“Also, if you're doing things for your other kids, make sure you do the same for your 13 yr old. If you take the others out for food, bring your daughter food. If you take them out clothes shopping, buy your daughter something...even a gift card. And always invite her. This will help her know that when she's ready to reach out, you will be there.”
– What if feel her rejection? I feel as if she doesn’t want this attention. I sent a gift card 4 weeks ago; not a word of recognition or appreciation.

Growlycat –
Is your daughter angry with you? If so is any of the anger justified?
I have not been given the opportunity to ask her.

Feralkittymom -

Has your daughter articulated that she shares this goal? –
I don't hear much room in your account for your daughter's feelings, probably anger, to be expressed. – True. So if she won’t express her feelings, we cant know if she wants therapy. And if she doesn’t go therapy we wont know her feelings. Vicious circle.
I don't think her mother taking her to therapy, and taking her home, is unusual or controlling.
I assume she is not part of the sessions? – Mom is not part of the sessions, but T raised this concern of D having too little liberty to express herself, unaccompanied.

“it seems that your D has been made, despite any good intentions to the contrary, the "identified problem."” – How can I change this ???



Thanks a million to all of you for your continued guidance and support.

This is really hard stuff. It may be that there's nothing you can do as long as the ex is keeping your oldest daughter away. I wonder...could you get a letter to your daughter through the therapist, as something they can read together (without the ex present)?

[ScarletPimpernel]

You are her father. Your daughter is suffering in some way. If she rejects you or things you give her that doesn't mean you give up. At some point she will want you back in her life. What is she going to remeber: dad constantly being there or dad giving up on me? I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. But you're the parent. It's not up to your children to make you feel better. Parenting isn't all about the joys. It's tough work. And to balance things with your other children while not seeming to favor your oldest... I don't envy your situation.

But don't quit trying. It might take weeks, months, years. But she only has one father and you're lucky it's you Just keep loving her even if from afar. That is what I would want from my dad now and when I was a teen.

[NowhereUSA]

She is a child. You are her father. That means no matter what, you pour into her even if you get silence, even if you get rejected. You keep sending the cards even if you get no response. You call even if she says no every time. It doesn't matter if she refuses for the next five years, you do it anyway. It will be exhausting. It will hurt. And you are her father.

I'm sorry there's no way to get inside her head (I don't know how things are with your ex). Open communication. Family therapy.

You do the best you can with what you have. Commit yourself to being the best father you can be and not giving up. It sounds like you love her and are in a frustrating situation. Keep at it. Keep at it.