Couch 82: If you're happy and you know it, be a number!

Welcome, catonyx!

I feel like if I post my story... It will be obvious who I am to anyone who knows me. So often what I am thinking and feeling are things I am reluctant to share for fear of being identified by those who know me. I wish I could get over that fear.

I often don't know what to say myself. So I totally get that.

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That is why we have SD supportive interpretive dance.

I forgot I changed my avatar and thinking "what is this person doing posting what I was just thinking."

I wish someone I know would recognize me here. It would be the first time they actually paid attention to something I said.

I worry about that too. So for me, sometimes I change details so the spirit is the same but the details aren't. And sometimes I've posted and then deleted it. And for the first few months I was on here, I purposefully screwed around with the way I normally type, random punctuation, poor spelling, not capitalizing things.

Wow, now I sound like some sort of paranoid weirdo

I'm the complete opposite. The thought of someone identifying me is terrifying. I like to keep people at arms length. I don't like it when people know that I am hurting or struggling. People expect that I am struggling right now yet I still hide it.

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I could probably try changing details... But then I feel like the message isn't the same and it isn't really me.

Well, I type here roughly the same as everywhere else. I would find it hard to type any other way.

Believe me, you don't sound like a weirdo. I feel the same way.

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Thanks.

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With the way I grew up, with frequent moves, I guess it does feel like me in a lot of ways A chameleon so to speak.

Makes sense. I understand.

I've tried searching the forum for keywords to find people who might be in the same boat, but no luck.

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I don't think it's weird. This is a super public place and it ranks high in Google and other search engines. Many people are not concerned about being found here, but for those of us who are it makes sense to use some subterfuge.

That being said, I have mostly stopped changing details in my stories - I used to do that. I do erase at least half my posts though. And I avoid telling too much of my story, for several reasons.

You're right. I found this site from Google. It was right at the top.

I think it would be freeing to post every detail... I just can't do it. I would probably feel less burdened by everything if I did.

I save everything for my T. I'm about two weeks away from my next appointment. I don't have a date set yet so that makes it worse. I'm bottling everything up again.

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Maybe it would. I really liked the book by Brene Brown, Daring Greatly. It could be freeing to get to know someone and very slowly open up to them. My T is always telling me to "be open" and to accept the love of those around me (which I groan and roll my eyes at because soooooo fluffy). That being said, I've become more open with my husband and my best friend and it's been incredibly affirming.

My parents ignored my depression (which has finally come to a head) and so I felt so much shame about it. It's taken a long while but slowly I'm starting to find people who are accepting and who hear me. It's not been easy and it's been slow, but worth it.

I might have to pick that book up. Looks appropriate for me.

I am sure it would be freeing. I don't dread going to T. I always feel much better after which I can only assume is because I feel like I can tell T everything I am feeling without being judged or feeling like crawling under a rock. The thought of telling friends, family, or even my husband makes me want to hide.

Holding everything in during this break is hard. It's only been a week... I'm 1/3 the way through.

Sounds like it is going well for you. I'll have to read that book and try myself.


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Where? I missed it.

This also went over my head.

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It would I think. As time has gone by I've posted more but I will never post everything. Some things are not suitable for public forums.

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I wound up triggered by almost nothing this evening and made am idiot of myself. Dammit I am sick of living in a shelter! I miss being able to come home and close my door and know that no one is watching me. Sometimes I NEED to be left alone to calm myself down.

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I don't have much that wouldn't be suitable for public forums.

Hopefully I can get to a place where I can post more... Or maybe I just need to take a chance.

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That happens to me. Triggered by next to nothing. It's annoying. I totally get it.

I HAVE to be alone to calm myself. Night time is my favourite time these days.

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I have been playing with the Cezve/ibrik I got for xmas and may not sleep at all tonight. Luckily it is a very small one and only makes about 1 1/2 c (little tiny c) of turkish coffee at a time.

Been practicing this evening with my singing bowl, getting a little better at maintaining a nice tone. I'm enjoying it, very calming.

Take a chance. And sometimes I find thinking about how to word things so they're not too identifying to be oddly helpful...

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I don't think most people are as unique and findable as they think and most other people are not paying all that much attention to begin with. For example, I am not particularly unique and I don't think I would recognize even a close friend of mine who was posting anonymously unless they did something wildly identifying like giving their name, location, and date of birth. I found, reading thread dating back a few years, that people seem to fall into categories but other than that are not all that distinguishable from others in that category.