[PaulaS]

As I´m looking for a new T I spend quite some time looking them up, basic facts about their education if they share this on their websites and I also use search tools as "birthday.com" and similar to know if they are married, single, has their own practise, their age and so on.

Some things are just for my own curiosity and some, like their education is of course of much value to be able to choose the right T, if that´s even possible.

One thing that struck me several times is that there´s a clear majority of them who live by themselves (I live in a large town and searches mainly to find a female T around 50 years of age or above) and you can then guess that many of them also is divorced or has split up from a relationship.

To me, it´s quite a surprise. I expected my former T to be married and living the "happy life" in a luxorious house with a husband but no. When I looked her up after being terminated I found she lives by her own in a flat. It´s situated in a beautiful area but still.

Another thing is that when reading a T also offers couples therapy you can almost be sure they suffered from some kind of separation, relation problems and so on. It´s quite telling as you can´t work as a couples therapist if you never been in a relationship yourself.

I think these questions around T:s themself are interesting, it gives you a good perspective on the therapeutic relationship. I mean, many of us, including myself obviously often imagines our T:s to have perfect or at least very good lifes. Many of them do of course, but not all and not always.

Even if that´s not strange at all, I found out another T just experienced her husband dying in a heart attack but she kept her practise and she´s still in the business. It´s so many things you don´t expect about them when sitting there next to them.

It would be interesting hearing about other stories, did you find anything unexpected about your T?

It's funny but I have NO desire to know anything personal about my therapist. In fact, if any therapist I work with mentions something about her personal life that is more a brief, in passing, remark, I find that I'm thrown off my game . . .as in my ability to talk about my own personal information. My x therapist knew my best friend's husband really well, they were colleagues. My friend and her husband would meet socially with my x therapist and her husband. My friend would often discuss some of the things they talked about or what my x therapist was up to in her personal life. I would cringe every time. I finally had to tell my friend that I was seeing "her friend" professionally and I'd prefer that she not mention ANYTHING about her when we got together. Guess we're all different in what we need or want regarding our therapist.

Opps, forgot to mention that a therapist I saw for a few sessions, had his daughter die of an overdose while I was seeing him. It was all over the local news as he was a well known and respected therapist. He took a two week break and then returned to work, saying that work gave him focus and purpose. It was too hard for me to continue with him because I would sit there thinking, "How the heck can I talk about my stupid issues when this guy just lost his only child." I had to call and tell him that I had decided not to continue with therapy. Knowing that kind of information is too confusing for me to know about. I find myself getting all tied up in "their stuff" rather than focusing on my own junk!

[stopdog]

I think that to want to be a therapist they are mostly if not still totally nuts. Nothing would surprise me. I never fantasize they lead charmed lives.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm more in the camp that Jaybird57 is in. I don't really want to know personal things about my T, but I do find it helpful to know some things that make them more "human" to me (like why they are in the field, if they like their concentration, what kind of professional experience thay've had). I had a T that I knew stuff about because we worked in the same office, just differnet roles. It was very weird. I kept feeling the need to take care of her. Even with this T and not really knowing much about her personal life, I still struggle with taking her needs into account. I know it's my stuff, but it would be worse if I knew more about her.

My T disclosed to me that he 'killed off' a 'pseudo-personality' he had. It even had a name. He also once told me I had triggered him. Sometimes his disclosures are hard to deal with, but we are on this human journey together and I trust him so much more because of the authentic relationship.

[NowhereUSA]

After working with my T for 6 years, I know quite a bit about my T (he's pretty open). I prefer some measure of self-disclosure and I also prefer Ts without any major mental illness but that's just because mine is pretty severe. I need balance in the force.

[brillskep]

The husband dying and therapist still practicing sounds intense. I remember my therapist awkwardly telling me in passing about one of his cats dying and that seemed to be a pretty vulnerable moment, I can't imagine what impact knowing about a therapist's spouse's death would have. It's a really big loss and personally I'd have trouble bringing up my own average issues if I were told my therapist was facing something this huge.

As for living alone, that sounds like judging the quality of another's life to me. I mean, living alone doesn't have to be miserable. For example, at the moment I'm living alone by my own choice, I'm very happy with this at this point in my life, and I would not want it any other way. But a few days ago, a neighbor whose long-time wife had passed away recently told me how very lonely it is for him and wondered how I manage. I don't think that cold data like this can tell you how happy someone is, but on the other hand you are spot on that therapists don't have the perfect, flawless life that many clients imagine.

It's interesting that you look up all this info though. I wonder if it's just curiosity or if you feel like it helps in more ways to know these things about prospective therapists.

[RedSun]

Being a T is a job like any other, and, like all jobs, there is hopefully a good section of all society represented. Of course some live alone, some don't, some have kids, some don't.
Like teachers, doctors, cleaners, waiters etc.
These threads come up quite often though, and I do think it's interesting that we can sometimes see T's as some sort of 'other', living the charmed, sorted life.
It takes a long while to train as a T, so I guess in a lot if cases you would choose to be a T before many life experiences had happened.
Otherwise it would be like waiting til your teeth are perfect before you train to be a dentist.

Of course you can help couples even if you haven't been in a relationship yourself... Relationships aren't just about 2 people living together... What a narrow view... Understanding the human condition is free for all... One doesn't have to exist in a certain fashion to understand and be of help...

[nervous puppy]

I'm going through a rough time right now because my T recently was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She decided to tell all her clients because there was a chance she would have to cancel appointments due to chemo.
I've been seeing her for at least 12 years and my reaction surprised me. I freaked out. I became an emotional mess. How could I possibly go a whine to her about my stupid **** when she's fighting for her life? (She wants to continue to practice as long as she possibly can).
I have been constantly "weepy" for the past 2 months. I don't understand why it hit me so hard. I'm not normally very emotional. I can't even think about her or talking to her without tearing up.
She did give me a name of someone that she thought would be a good fit for me, and I met with them already. This new one seems nice, but I'm scared to death.
I saw my T last week and told her it was our last meeting. She seemed surprised. I'm regretting it. Crying even more now.
What the heck is wrong with me? So confused!

[JaneTennison1]

I think your reaction is natural for someone who has had a person in your life for 12 years and now may lose them. Go easy on yourself, your feelings are all valid in this. Even feeling like you have to distance, it seems like a protective method and many people do it. It's ok not to want to continue therapy with her. I say meet a few times maybe? Send a card and make peace with her.

My therapist is not at all the person i googled, her life has changed so much. I wouldn;t normally go and see the person i thought she was but I gave it a shot. Turns out that was the right plan because she is so much more awesome than I thought.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

I'm going through a rough time right now because my T recently was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She decided to tell all her clients because there was a chance she would have to cancel appointments due to chemo.
I've been seeing her for at least 12 years and my reaction surprised me. I freaked out. I became an emotional mess. How could I possibly go a whine to her about my stupid **** when she's fighting for her life? (She wants to continue to practice as long as she possibly can).
I have been constantly "weepy" for the past 2 months. I don't understand why it hit me so hard. I'm not normally very emotional. I can't even think about her or talking to her without tearing up.
She did give me a name of someone that she thought would be a good fit for me, and I met with them already. This new one seems nice, but I'm scared to death.
I saw my T last week and told her it was our last meeting. She seemed surprised. I'm regretting it. Crying even more now.
What the heck is wrong with me? So confused!

I think I would totally freak out too. I've been with my T for 10 years plus I have transference issues with him. Good luck. if it's okay

[Petra5ed]

I worry about my therapist a lot, and finally had to ask him if he was ok health wise. Not sure how I wouldn't freak out if he had stage 4 cancer.

I feel like I know quite a bit about him after meeting for a couple years. Ironically he's had a slew of failed relationships. I don't know if this helps him as a couples counselor. Lol.

[Lauliza]

I think that it's a fantasy of everyone that their T had some kind of secret knowledge or ability to live a happier, healthier life than other people. In reality that isn't possible since they are human and it's human nature to have struggles with something in your life, including relationships. I think what therapists have is an a knowledge of human behavior on a more detailed level than the average person and, ideally, an ability be objective and empathetic about other people's issues. That doesn't make them immune to interpersonal problems and emotional stress of their own. And I think relationship status gives little indication of emotional health and happiness. Many married people with families are miserable, many childless single people are happy and vice versa. All that is subjective and so different for each individual. So I guess my point is, when you are looking for a T its important to look beyond surface appearances and preconceived notions. Otherwise you could be very disillusioned.

[Ad Intra]

One old T had a daughter who cut herself and the T I just terminated with had a bad relationship with her mom. I know they're human so I don't judge (but do feel sorry for).

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think that it's a fantasy of everyone that their T had some kind of secret knowledge or ability to live a happier, healthier life than other people. In reality that isn't possible since they are human and it's human nature to have struggles with something in your life, including relationships. I think what therapists have is an a knowledge of human behavior on a more detailed level than the average person and, ideally, an ability be objective and empathetic about other people's issues. ....

It has never been a fantasy of mine - and I am surprised at how many people post it is a fantasy of theirs. I don't even believe they have a knowledge of human behavior/ability to be objective/empathetic. Admittedly, I find empathy highly over-rated and hated it when the woman tried it at me.

[Restin]

As I'm always saying, I think the most important thing about selecting a T for any medium or long-term problems is to know something about how he/she treats Transference if it happens (and probably will). I've seen so much agony and heartache (including myself) because the T turns out to be punitive or ignorant about your attachment/transference problems that can come up.

I think it's important to read up on Transference and know what it's all about. If you had a heart problem, you probably would want to read some books, find out just what kind of heart problem you have, and pick a doctor who specializes in what you've got. Psychotherapy isn't just a relationship,( tho much of it is), but is also a technique the therapist has learned, and some are severe about your transference on them. I can't take any more severity. or ignorance!
I know it's hard to ask up front, and the on-line info is sketchy, but it's cruisin' for a bruisin' to go in blind about transference, in my opinion. I've been bruised quite a lot until this last T I've been seeing.

[Stone Serenity]

Several years ago I showed up to my session to see my T sitting at her desk through the window with a huge pile of used Kleenex in front of her and she had obviously been crying a long time. She opened the door an she was sobbing and couldn't get her self together. Even though I was really having a hard time myself I suggested that we reschedule. It was kind of off-putting. I never did know what happened. I think I want my T to be tougher than I am, and competency is important to me too. I know she was just human but I felt kind of weird about her after that. You never really know what is going on with people though.

[Ford Puma]

I do not know much about my T. Never did much research or anything when I went looking either. T tells me nothing either so I guess thats it. I put trust into her and I expect her to trust me back. If she does not I most likely will never know.

[nottrustin]

I know my therapist has had her own life struggles. She does mention them from time to time mostly, I believe to show that she can relate to what I am going or have gone through. It is also much easier to know what one should do than it is to actually do it all the time. Myself and with my work (in psych unit) one of biggest issues with patients is medication compliance. It is something we discuss with them all the time. Yet in my personal life it is something I struggle with all the time. I go through spells were I take them regularly and then go weeks at a time where I do not.

As far as working ofter the death of a loved one. I would imagine they are like many people in that the best way to cope with the pain is to stay busy and not think about the loved one all the time. By focusing on their work they are helping other people and forgetting about their own pain even if it is very short term.

[PaulaS]

I really agree with you that a T who reveals a bit about him- or herself seem more authentic and more present. I don´t say they should lay it all open but things that in some ways could relate to and help you in therapy could really be a way to help a client progress in therapy.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

My T disclosed to me that he 'killed off' a 'pseudo-personality' he had. It even had a name. He also once told me I had triggered him. Sometimes his disclosures are hard to deal with, but we are on this human journey together and I trust him so much more because of the authentic relationship.

[PaulaS]

The thing about the T who had a husband who died was something I got to know about, it wasnt´t about T of my own. I agree with you that it would in some way be difficult to bring my own issues up after getting to know such things about a T. It´s then up to the T, if he or she thinks they manage and they not cancel the appointment, you´ll have to try to act as usual I think. I don´t say it would be easy though.

I agree with you that cold facts as I mentioned for example where they live doesn´t say anything about if they´re happy or not. It´s just getting me and probably others too when looking up their T:s some kind of perspective. It´s also a way to create a relationship that´s a bit more balanced as a T gets to know very much about me as a client. They have to of course but anyway.

I think it´s curiosity to some extent, as you could feel curious about some other person you don´t really have access to ask questions to, for example a celebrity Of course some clients don´t feel this curiosity at all. This info is no determinant in any way but it gives me a broader picture of the T and I can use this info together with the info she gives me herself.

Originally Posted by brillskep

The husband dying and therapist still practicing sounds intense. I remember my therapist awkwardly telling me in passing about one of his cats dying and that seemed to be a pretty vulnerable moment, I can't imagine what impact knowing about a therapist's spouse's death would have. It's a really big loss and personally I'd have trouble bringing up my own average issues if I were told my therapist was facing something this huge.

As for living alone, that sounds like judging the quality of another's life to me. I mean, living alone doesn't have to be miserable. For example, at the moment I'm living alone by my own choice, I'm very happy with this at this point in my life, and I would not want it any other way. But a few days ago, a neighbor whose long-time wife had passed away recently told me how very lonely it is for him and wondered how I manage. I don't think that cold data like this can tell you how happy someone is, but on the other hand you are spot on that therapists don't have the perfect, flawless life that many clients imagine.

It's interesting that you look up all this info though. I wonder if it's just curiosity or if you feel like it helps in more ways to know these things about prospective therapists.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It has never been a fantasy of mine - and I am surprised at how many people post it is a fantasy of theirs. I don't even believe they have a knowledge of human behavior/ability to be objective/empathetic. Admittedly, I find empathy highly over-rated and hated it when the woman tried it at me.

It has never been a fantasy of mine either and I always figured most people in the field go into psychology due to their own experiences. So I kind of assume most Ts are as messed up as anyone else. My T friends have some big issues in their lives so there is always a lot of stress. They are highly professional however, so those issues don't go anywhere near the therapy office. If my T were crying in her office I would prefer she take care of herself and have the receptionist reschedule me. I wouldn't want to see my T sobbing in the office and I doubt she'd ever let me. It's not that I don't care about them, but I don't really want to know much about my T or pdoc's personal problems unless it would of help to me.

[PaulaS]

This situation sounds really awful, I´m sorry that you have to experience this. Such info must of course be the worst you could hear from a T, that he or she is severly ill, I can´t imagine what that would make me feel.

I think your reaction is perfectly normal, I would perhaps also take some kind of flight and I´m now not saying this in a negative way. You sometimes hear about relatives of a sick person who chooses to not be around when his or her sick relative is very ill and you don´t know if they´re going to make it or not.

Even if a T isn´t your relative the feelings are quite the same as the relationship itself is often very strong, especially as you´ve seen this T for 12 years.

I really advice you to contact your T if you feel the decision to end therapy with her was wrong. Perhaps it´s better to be with her as long as you can and as long as she manages to meet for sessions. I would say to her that I just want to be with her and of course you have to talk but perhaps in a less intense way because of the state she´s in. If the T herself accepts this I would try to stay in therapy even if I of course think ending therapy should still be an option if you feel that´s a better solution for you.

Originally Posted by nervous puppy

I'm going through a rough time right now because my T recently was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She decided to tell all her clients because there was a chance she would have to cancel appointments due to chemo.
I've been seeing her for at least 12 years and my reaction surprised me. I freaked out. I became an emotional mess. How could I possibly go a whine to her about my stupid **** when she's fighting for her life? (She wants to continue to practice as long as she possibly can).
I have been constantly "weepy" for the past 2 months. I don't understand why it hit me so hard. I'm not normally very emotional. I can't even think about her or talking to her without tearing up.
She did give me a name of someone that she thought would be a good fit for me, and I met with them already. This new one seems nice, but I'm scared to death.
I saw my T last week and told her it was our last meeting. She seemed surprised. I'm regretting it. Crying even more now.
What the heck is wrong with me? So confused!