So that just happened...

Ever have a session where you sit down and are on the verge of tears and unable to speak for the whole hour? What's wrong with me?

it has. So sorry you are hurting this way... do you feel like telling us what happened? hugs

It was that fing business relationship comment he made, he said that's what we have last week... I wanted to tell him how much that hurt me, and other things I thought during the week, but I couldn't. We were making small talk and I realized I couldn't even make small talk. I felt like a super freak, highly anxious, not breathing properly. I hate being emotional, and I imagined him thinking about how painful it was to even talk to me and hoping the hour would fly by, and how I had pathetically built this fantasy thinking he really loved me, but really I am just business to him. He is the best thing in my life and he is just some guy I pay to talk to me.

I have been there too :/ (still there actually, I'm just trying to look at it differently).
I bet your T wasn't wishing the hour would fly away because otherwise he wouldn't have chosen to be a therapist. I was feeling horrible because of that too and hadn't addressed it until I realized it was painful. So I talked about it and my therapist actually thanked me for telling her how painful therapy was becoming for me adding more anxiety to my existing issues - because I looked so independent and distant and she thought I was in no way attached. Eventually I came to the conclusion that yes, it is a business relationship, but her care is "for free" and it is always there because she is human too. And that I need her as a therapist now, I needed a T in the first place and I was lucky enough to have such a good T to wish she could stay in my life. It's painful, but my previous T was horrible and if it's true I didn't have this attachment problem - well it lasted very short at least - it is also true that she damaged me more and I still see the effects.
What did your T say about the session? Your feelings are 100% valid and understandable. We get the care we never had and this is part of the healing process I think...

Ambra- do they really care though, or is it their job to show caring. How much of what I get is a performance, a performance of listening and a performance of caring? It was painful for me to be there so it would make sense it's painful for him to be around it. Plus, it's not just him, it's that he's everything, the only source of "caring." I think he's really making it difficult for me on purpose lately, and it sucks to feel this fragile, and I'm not sure what the point is. I know it's a business relationship, I pay the bill.

I think this is why "business relationship" was so hard to swallow, because it implies performance by him. We are no longer just two people talking, we are one person talking and one person performing a service of pretending to listen and care. What's more, even at $100 an hour I'm painful to be around, it might be preferable for him to be anywhere else than sitting there with me.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Maybe it would be a good idea to address it with him, although I understand it's easier said than done. I doubt he has any clue of what's going on inside your head, no idea that what he said affected you this way.

Sometimes when I read posts about therapists and caring, I feel like the term care is confused with love. There are different levels of caring for most people and I do believe that most Ts care. Some Ts are more caring than others but on the whole I'd find it hard to believe that one wouldn't care about their clients. If what you're really talking about is love then that is different and more subjective.

I think it's important to see how black and white your thinking is right now. It's rarely all or nothing when it comes to relationships - personal or professional. People are so much more multidimensional than that. Your T doesn't get paid to care about you, he gets paid to provide therapy. He cares because you're his client, he likes you and wants you to succeed. Caring isn't really a conscious choice a lot of the time, at least from my perspective. People in helping professions (and many others) care because when you spend time talking with someone you build a relationship, and because of that you care. I think its only natural and can't imagine not caring. It's true the intensity differs with clients and Ts, but they still care.

I hope you can see your situation from this perspective and even talk to him. I think he'd want to know how his words affected you rather than trying to hide it from him.

You're right, my thinking is very black and white now. About whether I meant caring or love I think I mean love, and he quite possibly doesn't love me, legitimately it's possible no one loves me or ever has. I'm sure he cares on some level, but there's a range of caring. I care about my clients, but not much, not to the extent they're on my mind more than when I'm working for them.

I was going to say something similar re 'care'; what is care? I care about the old man across the street but that's not the kind of care I want from my therapist. Perhaps it is simply about love, plain and simple (or not, as the case may be).

I did have a similar session recently Petra, and I think for me 2 big things were going on... 1) I was/am very angry and experiencing a lot of hate towards him and 2) I don't feel safe enough to express how I feel in the session (I think probably due the holidays coming up). That's a simplistic view, I'm also thinking black & white at the moment.

Perhaps you're waiting to feel safe enough, to express your negative feelings towards him?? Hope it gets easier for you.

I don't know you personally but from your postings on here you seem very sensitive and likable- so I'm sure you're lovable

It's true your therapist may not love you, or love you in the way you'd like him to. But that doesn't mean he likes and cares about you. And it has no bearing on how lovable you are to others. Remember he doesn't know you as a whole person. He only know the part of you he sees in therapy.

Thanks Lauliza. I know this is all because of my issues. I know a "normal" person isn't just devastated to find out their therapist doesn't love them like family. Probably a normal person doesn't love a therapist like family either. It all makes sense to me, after crying about it for days. My mom was so mean (by the way I am a middle aged adult now) but she would go on rages explaining why I had no friends, calling me "fatty" and mocking me. I've just had such low self esteem and been so alone my whole life. Part of me thinks people like me should kill ourselves because the damage is just too much and to get back at the people who treated us like crap... not that I will do that, but the emotions run that deep, so deep I barely care whether I live or die.

I hear ya. It does feel like that. But we can grow emotionally and move past that pain.