Sometimes I want my T to know I'm a horrible person. I want her to see how messed up I am. I dance between two sides of honesty and hiding. I do it because I'm scared. I look at what I'm doing and have no idea why. Why is this important. Why do i do the dance. There is so much complexity in the subtlties in my life, I'm not sure she'd understand, give me comfort, unless the mutedness was brightened. Tensions made alive. Stresses real inside. I hope she sees im horrible., yet I equally work to show I'm good. Its so crazy sometimes I wonder where I really fall on the spectrum of white to black. What would she really think if she saw me? Possibly better, possibly worse than she thinks now. But yet I need her to know I'm bad, then horrible, yet good. Why am I this way? I think I wish to elicit disgust and to push her to see me as aweful as possible. To know an out of control, hurting person as I am. To know as ugly a picture as I present, she would care.To tell her .. don't freakin feel sorry for me, I'm on a tirade and I'm going to "F" myself and others up. - and I can't stop. and plz help me stop being bad, horrible, and good. I just want to be.

ev

You're not a horrible person no matter how much you want to be! We're beautiful inside, and I know from your words you are. We all want the attention of our inner most thoughts in times like these, your T won't hate you hun, you're to good of a person, keep going forward in therapy......but dont look for her to hate you...she wont I promise =).

[MissCharlotte]

((((EV))))

It sounds perhaps you are becoming aware of all the different parts of you and that you wish T to know them all....I had this happen recently too and it can be very frightening but my T said it's conventional wisdom currently that we all have different parts of ourselves. Of course, some parts may need integration and that will happen in time.

You are a good person. We all have a shadow side. It's okay EV, it's ok!

(((((HUGS)))))

hey. i feel like i had just this conversation with my therapist in our last session. i said that i was scared that he would get to know me better and feel repulsed / disgusted by me. sometimes i think i act kinda 'bad' too. partly to push him away before he gets too close and rejects me. partly maybe to test him to see whether he will find me repulsive.

and sometimes i act nice and good and stuff, because i think if only i can act good enough then maybe he won't leave me.

it is hard.

i think maybe it gets better with time. as we take small risks of being vulnerable and find that they don't reject us after all.

i've started telling my therapist (a bit) that i feel scared that he will get to know me and he will get bored / sick of me. sometimes he says 'look forward to seeing you on friday'. that is nice of him. not sure that i believe it... but that is nice of him.

[Ihurt2]

I go through all that stuff too--at least you know you do it because I can't tell untill its too late

[selfy]

u aint bad hun. i think a lot of ppl feel thatway. it doesnt mean its true. i hope u feel better in time hun
take care
self

I do that with my T. We talked about it yesterday. Try and get him to see the worst side of me-- then check to see if he's gonna stick around. Like a test.

I disagree with the notion that there are no parts that are "bad." I think a lot of us have "bad" parts that are largely unconscious. It would be as silly to say that there are not any bad parts, as it would be to say that there are nothing but good parts. Bad doesn't necessarily mean you are going to turn into a raging manic and start killing people. Bad is subjective, but the feelings are real-- they exist to you. It's okay to think them. It's okay to test your T-- a lot of us have had such unstable upbringings, how else are we to figure out that our Ts are gonna stay?

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sister said:
((((EV))))

It sounds perhaps you are becoming aware of all the different parts of you and that you wish T to know them all....I had this happen recently too and it can be very frightening but my T said it's conventional wisdom currently that we all have different parts of ourselves. Of course, some parts may need integration and that will happen in time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thats very True. I actually recently was talking to my T about it so its amazing you said this.

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pinksoil said:
I do that with my T. We talked about it yesterday. Try and get him to see the worst side of me-- then check to see if he's gonna stick around. Like a test.
.... It's okay to test your T-- a lot of us have had such unstable upbringings, how else are we to figure out that our Ts are gonna stay?

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I'm just worried the testing part will never end. When will I learn?

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Moonkin said:
You're not a horrible person no matter how much you want to be!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I definately think I struggle with this. What is a horrible person. Isn't there one. I guess I figure if the answer is yes, I qualify.

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alexandra_k said:
i said that i was scared that he would get to know me better and feel repulsed / disgusted by me. sometimes i think i act kinda 'bad' too. partly to push him away before he gets too close and rejects me. partly maybe to test him to see whether he will find me repulsive.

and sometimes i act nice and good and stuff, because i think if only i can act good enough then maybe he won't leave me.

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I am very similar.. I'm both afraid I'm so bad she'll hate me or too good, she will be bored with me.

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Ihurt2 said:
I go through all that stuff too--at least you know you do it because I can't tell untill its too late

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selfy said:
i think a lot of ppl feel thatway. it doesnt mean its true.
self

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Thanks selfy and hurt2... Sometimes it is nice to know others feel the same way.

ev

[lauren_helene]

Pink you said exactly what I am thinking only I feel this time he is going to be harsh on me and terminate me....

[lauren_helene]

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esthersvirtue said:
Sometimes I want my T to know I'm a horrible person. I want her to see how messed up I am. I dance between two sides of honesty and hiding. I do it because I'm scared. I look at what I'm doing and have no idea why. Why is this important. Why do i do the dance. There is so much complexity in the subtlties in my life, I'm not sure she'd understand, give me comfort, unless the mutedness was brightened. Tensions made alive. Stresses real inside. I hope she sees im horrible., yet I equally work to show I'm good. Its so crazy sometimes I wonder where I really fall on the spectrum of white to black. What would she really think if she saw me? Possibly better, possibly worse than she thinks now. But yet I need her to know I'm bad, then horrible, yet good. Why am I this way? I think I wish to elicit disgust and to push her to see me as aweful as possible. To know an out of control, hurting person as I am. To know as ugly a picture as I present, she would care.To tell her .. don't freakin feel sorry for me, I'm on a tirade and I'm going to "F" myself and others up. - and I can't stop. and plz help me stop being bad, horrible, and good. I just want to be.

ev

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No sweety, you are not bad in any way I've realized similar stuff about me. T usually says we all have parts of us to change, I should find comfort in that and you should too.