Confessing to therapist that you looked at his FB and know private information?

So I did end up telling him. Our session turned out to be two hours. Most of it was wasted by silence, though. So...in the beginning, I tried to start the conversation on a happy note, by telling him how "well" I've been doing at work and showed him pictures of my ugly Christmas sweater for the contest we had. Later, the conversation turned towards ex boyfriends and how I had shared some naked pictures with several of them recently. He asked if I would ever freak out if I found out someone had put them online, and I said, "No, not really. You can't even tell it's me, and even if you could, so what? I'm nothing to look at."

Anyway, I think after that there was plenty of quiet. Actually, I'm certain it was like seven minutes of straight up silence. I was trying to get up the nerve to tell him what I knew. I told him that I did something shameful, and was debating sharing it with him. He was like, "What? Did you hack my email? Did you send me those naked pictures? What is it?"

So I relayed the story towards him on how I found his FB (in addition to his girlfriend's). He was upset and said, "So...you're straight up cyber stalking me?" I tried to tell him that in this day and age it is not uncommon to look at someone's page. Like, if I met someone at a bar or in the Apple Store, I would look them up on Facebook, and that it's only inappropriate because of our situation. I told him he is free to look at my Facebook if he wants to...but then he kept telling me to stop justifying it. I told him that it's not like I know where him or his girlfriend lives, and I don't follow them around town, but that if he wants to check me into the mental hospital, to just go ahead. Or press charges.

He told me he's not gonna do that. Got quiet again. And then asked, 'So...what do you think?" I was like, "Dude. Are you seriously asking me that?" I told him that I found it interesting that his girlfriend was around my age. He SMIRKED extremely arrogantly. I told him it bothered me because I thought I was the only one with the bright idea to be interested in a 69 year old man. And that I was hoping he would be dating some 60 something year old woman. But then I also said, from what I had seen, there were parts of him that didn't seem far off from my fantasies, but I reiterated again that I wasn't thrilled with her.

He said I was being vague, and what about her did I not like? I tried to be as nice as I could without hurting his feelings...but I told him it seemed like maybe he could do better. That he's so intelligent, worldly, educated, etc., and this girl just runs around looking hot, like her only job description. He got mad after that and said, "Wait, who are YOU to judge me? Based on your past history with men..." I'm pretty sure I was too stunned after that to react. He really shouldn't have turned my mental health back around on me. But, I get it. He was reacting because I've been prying into his personal life and was insulting her.

So I said ultimately that I can't judge anything by Facebook, because it is shallow. He said I don't even know her, again. I told him I was happy for him and that I'm glad he's in a relationship that keeps him satisfied. Then he said, "********. You just want me to dump her so I can be with you." I got flustered and denied it, and he said, "Again. ********." Then I told him that fine, I know very well we can't be together, and that I have a bigger chance at dating Obama than him. He laughed and said, "Well, that's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?"

I told him it hurts me more than him when I look at his/her FB page, because all I do is the "girl thing" and compare myself to her. I told him I feel ugly and disgusting, and I sit and cry, and that she's just so lucky, and it's not fair. He said that some things aren't even necessarily always ABOUT me, and that he was already in a relationship with her first before he met me. Again, I kept saying that he probably thinks I'm the ugliest person on the planet and that I'm not smart enough for him. He just said, "Stop fishing." He was like, "Are you trying to say that you wish I go home and fantasize about you every night?" I stopped him right in the middle of that and said, "Absolutely not...and you wouldn't, even if you wanted to." AGAIN he told me to stop fishing.

I told him it sounds like he just pretty much doesn't care or give a **** about how I feel. He said if he did care for all his clients, he would go home and shoot himself, and that most therapists and nurses have like a 10 year shelf life before they can't stand it anymore. I asked him if he thinks I'm a joke and if he even can comprehend just how serious my feelings are. He's asked me a lot in the past, "WHAT? What is it that you feel? Just say the words." I could never answer it. I told him I still can't answer it now, but he said, "Look, I know you love me." And then I nodded and said, "Yeah. You're right. I do."

After that he said something about considering us friends, because we've been seeing each other so long, and told me I was very brave anyway for coming forward about this, even though he still isn't happy. He said he doesn't want to have to worry if I am constantly looking at everything that goes on in his life. He asked what he should do, and I told him to have a talk with his girlfriend about making her page private. As I was getting up to leave, I asked him if maybe I should have sent the naked pictures instead, and then (jokingly) asked if he still wanted them. After that I told him if he is still single at age 85 to give me a call, and he said, "Well, okay, if you want to push someone around in a wheelchair and wear a hot outfit. Fine."

When we were rescheduling I told him I wasn't sure if I could do this anymore, overall. He said he understood. He added, "Look, don't think I'm not flattered by what you said. I am." He wished me a Merry Christmas, and I just stormed off without saying anything back.

...and yeah. That's about as much as I can remember. The session after that, a few days ago, we acted like none of this happened and it was "business" as usual. I was so pissed about that that I was hardly even listening to what he was saying. I know a lot of you guys haven't been privy about my situation, but it seems that him and I play emotional games back and forth with each other. My Jungian therapist is trying to get me to stop doing this and stop going, but it's hard. I'm admittedly addicted to all of the chaos.

I admire you for having it up- I don't know that I'd have the courage. But my pdoc's boundaries are tighter than your T's, so any conversation like this would be much less intense. Your relationship with him sounds so difficult yet addictive, and I hope you can untangle yourself from it soon. I know it's easier said than done and only you can do what feels right to you. I am just glad you have your second T to process all of this with.

Honestly, your therapist sounds psycho. It seems like he is feeding your feelings for him to boost his ego. I think my therapist is hot but I don't have feelings for her, but if she ever even remotely tried to do what your therapist did I would run as fast as possible.

The fact that your therapist threw back your past at you is a huge red flag for me. This is why therapists can't be friends with their clients. He knows too much about you, and you don't know enough about him to fight back. He insulted you multiple times and you had nothing to throw back at him. He is the professional. He should be conducting himself better. Your relationship does not sound healthy at all. I am shocked that your therapist is 69. He sounds young, arrogant, and childish. Perhaps that is why he is attracted to his current girlfriend.

Please do not let his harsh words hurt you. He is obviously incredibly immature. I seriously hope you can reread your post from a place without emotions and see how truly messed up that interaction was. Kudos to you for telling him and trusting him enough to do so, but from his reaction, he clearly does not deserve your time, respect, or trust. It is a given in his field that his clients be interested in his personal life. He should know that at his age. His reaction was completely inappropriate.

Damn. You are one brave person.

He sounds like he has a lot of issues and there sounded to be a lot of red flags in what you reported.

Agreed. Red flags or not, I don't think he would ever act on anything with me. He has way too much ego/pride to let me "win." I think that's half the reason I still see him. I don't want to be the one to quit first, because it's like admitting defeat or something. I would rather him say this isn't working, but he never will. Sucks.

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I hope you have insurance with no copay, because if you are paying him anything out of pocket, he is winning and always will be as long as you keep going to therapy with him. Besides, of course, the fact that he is emotionally manipulating someone who came to him for help.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I pay him $85 per week (or every two weeks depending). It's been at that price since August 2013. His normal fee is $110. I do have insurance, but I just got it like last month, and aside from three "introductory visits" at $55 that I've been allotted, I would then have to start paying him $110 until I meet my deductible. So once my final $55 visit is up next week, I'll go back to paying out of pocket at $85.

I've been entertaining the fact of letting next Friday be my last (albeit cheaper) session. There's a part of me that's sick of this. I just don't know if I'm ready to let go yet. My other therapist keeps me a measly 50 minutes and I'm so used to the hour and a half sessions with this current one. I'll miss having the long one on one attention.

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You mentioned that your therapist threw back at you your past history with men. What is that past? Is he reenacting it for you in therapy by treating you this way? If so, what is the payoff for you to be treated this way?

You also mention in posts in this thread, as well as other threads, that he keeps you well beyond your time limit by saying that it is because he cares about you. It is quite clear from his behavior that he does not care about you. This is just a guess, but I think he keeps you so late because he quite enjoys your company. You make him feel good about himself. Therapists should never, ever let their own needs come before yours, but it's quite clear that is all he is doing. He does not have your needs first, but his own. You seriously need to get away from him. If you can, don't even go back to him on Friday. Save yourself some money, and **** that guy. He doesn't deserve to see you again. Why do you want to make him feel good?

I've admitted to my T that I Google'd her. Actually, it came up accidentally. She was telling me how people say her daughter looks more like her husband. I responded that her daughter has her bone structure. She asked how did I even know what her daughter looks like Oops. She didn't mind though. She didn't like it either. She joked and told me to never show up to her house. I told her if I do, I give her my full permission to call the cops

I started looking her up before I met her. I wanted to get a better idea of who she is. Now, I check every couple months only to see if she has an updated picture of her daughter (her daughter is a beautiful baby!)

Everyone who knows me knows I research people. My mom calls it my "stalker skills" Though I would never actually stalk someone. In fact, it's the opposite for me. I NEVER want to accidentally run into someone I know. If I saw them in public, I'd leave and go home

Well, it sounds like good normal talking about transference to me. You were both being pretty open and honest with each other. He even "helped" you say what is too hard to say, saying he knows you love him. I liked how both of you joked about when he's 85!

I wouldnt have expected him to bring up the topic the following week - unless i have specifically asked my t to keep me on track about something, he would not.

So all in all, i would say very well done. I only had to do it a few hundred times more until my feelings started really changing

I do admit the more I talk about it, the easier it is. I don't flinch much anymore and I'm pretty much able to be matter of fact about my feelings. That was not the case six months ago! I feel like I have grown in that regard. It feels good to joke about things too, though I know overall this relationship still isn't good for me. I do think he handles a lot of things poorly.

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The fact that you are telling her this is normal is almost as scary as her therapist's behavior. I really hope you are in the minority of this website, or I am seriously starting to reconsider registering here.

The basic tenants of psychotherapy are unconditional positive regard, genuineness, and empathy. Does this guy throwing her past in her face sound like he is regarding her remotely positively? Does him smirking at her and egging her on sound genuine, or does it sound like he is completely narcissistic and unethical? Does he appear to give two shits about her feelings?

All of this occurred because she admitted to looking at public social media. Does this sound NORMAL to you? It sounds like he is off his rocker. There is nothing wrong with what she did, but there is DEFINITELY something wrong with what he did. Please do not say it is normal. Quite frankly, it's an insult to what he's been doing to her for god knows how long. He's exploiting the feelings of someone who came to him for help. It's unethical, disgusting, and completely inappropriate.

I agree with what you wrote-he enjoys the ego boost of being with someone who admires him. Winenot3-I know how hard it can be to leave a therapist we have such strong feelings for-but I agree with callisto711, that it would be in your best interest to do so. I know that you have struggled with this situation and trust me-I truly understand how hard it can be to walk away but this therapist seems to be interested in his own needs, not yours. You wrote that you were addicted to the chaos or the drama and I think that is very insightful of you. That might be just what is happening here. I think that callisto711's question about the payoff is an excellent one-and maybe you answered it with the comment about chaos or drama.

I know that at the core of all of this is the reason or reasons why you sought the help of a therapist to begin with and a painful road of removing yourself from this selfish (and, in my opinion, unprofessional) therapist and no matter what we say here you will have to come to that point yourself. I empathize with you, knowing this painful struggle myself. I wish you well.

All of this bantering, HIS asking if you sent naked pictures, your opinion of hs girlfriend, even the ugly sweater contest, has nothing to do with therapy. And you know what the profession says about extra- long sessions.

"I know you love me." Sounds he's the one fishing.

Therapy should relieve the drama, not BE the drama.

I'm an older woman who wasted so much time and focus on those unrequited things. There are many guys who like playing rock star, being admired, giving just enough from afar on stage to keep a woman hooked.

Here's TELL http://www.therapyabuse.org

Could the t do a better job of "handling things emotionally"? That's not even the point. It is his job to act like your worst boyfriend or parent ever, and at the same time, to make it safe for YOU to carry your half of the relationship - to have the guts to say yes or no without worrying that your choice will cost you the relationship.

That might be exaggerating it a bit. Its like a third grade teacher drilling her class in the multiplication tables - its for the students benefit; she already knows the right answers. So does t. We dont. Or they are not yet automatic for us. It would be easy to have a relationship with a sheep, but what about when we encounter the wolves in real life again?

I said it was "normal transference" stuff - please dont quote me out of context. What is this, Fox News? Its definitely yucky, but better to get the yucky out of yourself with a t, in a contained space, than to have it come out in unpredictable situations IRL. Cuz it do.

Eta - otoh - my current t once said i do t differently than other people. So my way may not be for everyone! But i do relate to the "emotionally neglected" movement, which is fairly recent. I couldnt figure out wth people were talking about before that.

In response to you telling him - WTF is his problem?

My guess is that he's not as hip as he wants to pretend to be. You didn't do anything wrong looking up the info and he reacted totally inappropriately. Egads. That feels like an understatement. Throwing your past at you? I can't even.

After that session, I'd find another T.

I think therapy comes in all shapes and sizes... This would not do it for me
I need my T to be a partner not the worst one nor the best one. Just good enough to provide a time and a safe place for me to be able to think about stuff.

What Hankster said. Especially about the yuck. Cuz, like she said, it do come out IRL situations. Take care, Winenot. I'm immensely glad you have the Jungian T there for you.

I completely disagree that a therapist knows the right answers for a client. In my experience - they most assuredly do not.

You put it better than i did. My previous t told me how he happened to have a second remote for his tv, so he kept it hidden from his partner for a while and would change the channel on her and drive her crazy. I told him, that would be okay if you hugged me afterward. He was like, what?

Looking back on that conversation now, i'm sure he understood me, but he was trying to get me to expand on my thoughts. But his repeating "what?" like an idiot didnt work for me. (I have told current t about that. I have also asked him not to act stupid because i already think he's stupid. And stupid just means not safe for me.)

I thought there was a lot better conversation in what winenot had with her t that night. And it sounded like she felt she grew from it. I dont know what the joke about when he's 85 means exactly, but i think it shows a shift in her feelings. And all those little shifts over time add up to big changes.

I didnt mean a t knew the right answers for a client. I meant, a t might give make a provocative or leading statement in therapy that he wouldnt make in a non-t situation. OR - in some (ahem! perhaps your?) situations, maybe saying nothing at all is the right response for therapy, but not for a non-therapy situation.

Re the thread in general, not SD or anyone in particular: Just saying, a t doesnt NECESSARILY not know how to "handle relationships" just because they are trying to get YOU to admit YOUR feelings in therapy, when it would be so much EASIER to say what is OBVIOUSLY written all over your face. WE can see it all over your face from here, and we are on the internet! But when we or anybody tells it to you (you being any client), you deny it! (Myself included.) So thats why the client has to SAY IT OUT LOUD, not the t. I dont know why it works this way, it just does.

If the OP's perception of the session is accurate (mine rarely is), and it was made clear to her from the beginning that this is the type of therapy he engages in, then it's meeting her needs; but if it's not and he didn't, then this is super creepy and out of bounds. I would not be able to get out of there fast enough.

I don't have the OP's history and agreement with this therapist, though. If she's benefiting from it and becoming healthier, great. If not, I don't see this as any better than a regular old dysfunctional relationship. And considering he's a former rock star, I can see how he totally gets something out of this.

Winenot - It's hard to judge without being there, but this really reads like he's kind of manipulative. I think the extra long sessions would make it hard for anyone to leave. From his perspective he has a young girl interested in him and paying to see him, maybe he will even get lucky and get some naked pics of you. He kind of pushed you into admitting you love him. It just feels to me like he might be feeding his own ego at your expense. Saying well, you could date me when I'm 85, sounds rather manipulative and inappropriate. What was possibly therapeutic about that?
I would just tread cautiously. If you ever get the guts to bring it up with him again, I would push more on the age difference. Didn't he tell you that you were far too young, and then it turns out he's dating much younger women anyways? I know an older guy who is semi decent looking and always dating young girls. He dated my friend, the guy was suave, he is IMO a master at manipulating women basically. He finds all of his dates in AA, where the women are obviously down on their luck. Not saying your therapist is going to use you for sex, he might just be after money and wanting to keep his license for the time being.

I get what you're saying here and agree that the feelings involved are normal transference. Aside from that, I can't say that this guys reaction was normal in any way. In one session, this T managed to accuse the OP of stalking, baited her with manipulative questions (asking for her opinion of his girlfriend) and hit on her. Aside from the bravery of the OP for bringing it up, I don't see anything of value going on in this session. This T could have handled her "admission" graciously and professionally and let it go. Instead he created drama out of something that did not even warrant drama. That is not his job and not what someone pays another person $100 an hour to do. He seems to consciously know he should discourage the OP's fantasies, but isn't competent and strong enough to really follow through. What's worse it's like he'd rather continue to feed the OP's fantasies than help her.