Confessing to therapist that you looked at his FB and know private information?

It sounds like there has been a lot of drama in the dynamic (on both ends) for quite some time and that the OP realizes this and realizes the need to probably leave this therapist but hasn't done so yet. It also sounds like she's trying to get the therapist to terminate her rather than doing it herself. I suspect he's on to that and wants her to take the initiative to be proactive for herself rather than letting it just happen to her.

I think he sounds like a narcissistic lunatic who should not be a therapist. This all sounds horrible to me.

Therapists are only human and not gods and its dangerous to regard them in that manor. You are there in therapy to work out your issues but all that is going on is obsessing over him and mutual emotional manipulation which will just make you more sick,.
Everything i read in this psychotherapy subforum is about people obsessing over they're therapists. I get the whole transference thing but this behavior really cant be helpful at all

My therapist sometimes knows better but I find the assertion that they always do extremely patronizing.

Therapists have very few specific ethical guidelines. But they are required to terminate treatment and refer if the client doesn't benefit. So the therapist has a clear, specific mandate to discontinue a destructive stalemate. Lust stirring, sexual banter, extra long sessions are out of bounds, and it's solely on the therapist's shoulders to end it, to seek his own consultation if he's involved over his head.

I frankly haven't found therapists to be more intelligent, astute or self-aware than the general population, but I've met and read from many pretending that they are.

Yes, this exactly. It's really important to know as clients that a T absolutely can terminate treatment. Continuing harmful therapy in order to get a client to quit is pretty unlikely and pretty cowardly. The intense feelings the OP has and all the banter is enough for termination (and many Ts would have by now). A T who claims this is stuff to "work through" is being manipulative, especially with a client who has difficulty in relationships. As a T in training, therapists like this make me cringe. They do seem to believe they have secrets to human behavior and ability to heal that is simply not accurate. They may have studied theories to explain behavior, but an important skill a good T has is an ability to apply these theories in an objective, relevant manner; something close friends and family members usually can't do (hence why our friends can't be your T). Once a therapist has gotten this deep and objectivity is out the window, there's a problem. Of course T's are human and this happens- that's why they have supervision or seek consultation. This man simply continues to see the OP for his own personal reasons - he's getting something out of it.

I would ask myself honestly why I must tell my T, then I would only tell if I were OK about therapy ending at that point.

I just read this whole thread and before you updated on how it went the fact that he told you he's baffled by you having feelings for him is a red flag. It's tranference 101. What he said was manipulative. And the confrontation is beyond horrific. You were very strong to survive that. Good lord. What a sick man. I think he should be reported.

I believe the OP was repeating that he had said in the past - not at these 2 sessions - that he was baffled by her feelings GIVEN THEIR AGE DIFFERENCE of like 40 years. Then what she finds baffling in turn is that he is dating someone 30 years younger. So she is thinking, why/is he lying to me? So she finally confronts him and they tell each other the truth.

I honestly dont understand why posters are villifying this t. I think you get from your t, the amount of honesty you show to your t. If you are cagey with your t, they are going to be cagey back, like when people talk on here about physical mirroring, body language. If you take a risk in what you say, the t will take an equal risk back.

Thats pretty much how i have seen it work in real life too. AND on tv, like on those Marry a Bachelor shows. Every once in a while you get a woman who talks REAL to the guy, and that is IT, he is hooked. Real is very attractive - to other real people, anyway. I dont get ABC right now but it happened on one show i saw and just blew me away.

Maybe the OP's other t gave her the backing? or assurance or feeling of safety to confront Rockstar t. In which case kudos to all. Whatever works, i say. She reports progress, why are people not being supportive of that, but instead, telling her to run away, something must be wrong? That seems undermining to me, not supportive. And i dont mean to encourage blind support, ta, thats great! But it IS possible to move through and past romantic transference. But not by running away from it Or trying to hide it. Imo.

Hankster - I don't understand how you keep trying to defend him. And I don't think the OP is running away from transference, but a therapist who is handling it very badly.

Sd - i dont think the OP is running away from transference or the t. I do think some of the commenters are, but i thought it rude to say that exactly. But i think its more about their own situations than the OP's.

Also, yeah, i think i see similarities between this t and my own. Same age, same vibe. Actually i am about the same age myself! In Downton Abbey terms, more like Violet than like Robert. We THINK Violet is close-minded, but Robert actually is. Violet surprises us; Robert doesnt. Liberal / conservative.

Eta - season 5 starts here tonight!!!

Hankster, I definitely think you're giving the T too much credit. Those comments were totally inappropriate. I know we all misinterpret things unknowingly, but those comments and reactions are incredibly terrible things to say. I think it's unreasonable to think a T will always be perfect in their responses and I think it would be natural to be upset to find someone is checking out your significant other online, but this guy is being totally I appropriate. Asking if she sent the naked pictures to him? Wowzers. He should have shown a lot more restraint.

That said, the OP said some inappropriate stuff too, but it should be the responsibility of the T to respond appropriately regardless. Transference doesn't mean throwing out sexual comments/innuendoes....lots of us experience transference without even coming close to that.

The transference isn't the problem, it's this T's countertransference that is. It isn't therapeutic at all to basically string her along. She has no obligation to watch anything that comes out of her mouth, but he needs to watch what he says, especially given that he is quite aware of her feelings. This guy is totally inappropriate and taking advantage of her. She needs to get away. There is no way this relationship is beneficial at all.

I feel the OP's T was extremely inappropriate. That would make me extremely uncomfortable.

Then again, I feel the same way about many therapeutic relationships described here. On the flip side, I know many have a hard time understanding the relationship I have with my T.

I prefer how my T has handled my attachment so far. She remains neutral. She doesn't encourage it, but she also doesn't make me feel guilty. And she's open to talking about it.

In my opinion, that's the appropriate way to handle it. The client should be able to safely work through his/her transference and/or attachment with their T. They shouldn't run away from it. But I don't think the T should play into it under any circumstance. The OP's T, imo, was behaving inappropriate and unethical.

Okay, lets look at his choices. The OP mentions the pictures, and that she did something she was ashamed of, but it wasnt what she originally told him she did with the pictures, but it is something to do with online. He made a natural leap. He wasnt asking her TO send him the pictures - that i agree would have been unethical. [Full disclosure - i have shown some of my t's naked pictures of a much thinner, younger me. They are not sex shots. I was asked why i brought them in. I dont know.)

As i said in my post, she was taking risks, so he took risks. I think it would have been worse if he would have "shown restraint" and she ended up feeling shamed. He is not there to represent some higher moral ground that she needs to aspire to. She knows that would be phony, for one thing. He meets her where she is. Unconditional positive regard. He is open to whatever she wants to do. As long as she is just TALKING about it.

She doesnt go in there and say, "my friend did such and such" - she is taking responsibility.

It would be nice if things were perfect, i suppose, but theyre not. We got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Do people not feel safe with their male t's, or feel the OP is not safe? I agree things are yuckyish, but i identify with the OP, and believe me, my relationships were even yuckier because i wouldnt/couldnt face that this stuff was in my past. I didnt choose for it to be there, it was handed down to me. But ignoring the ugly truth just makes things worse, imo.

Ultimately, it's what the OP wants to get out of this therapy.

But...if the gender were different and the client had been looking at her female therapist's daughter's page and the therapist gets angry, swears, asks what the client thinks of her daughter, swears some more, asks the client if she wants to be her effing daughter and does she effing love her...it's abusive.

Every client brings their stuff into the therapy room, but in a case like this, the other option would have been a reparative one in which the therapist learns about the facebooking, takes it in stride and engages the OP in talking about what she gets from pursuing someone she can't have (or whatever the origin of the obsession is).

I dunno. I hope the OP can get clear of this one way or the other.

Hankster, I think this Ts reaction to what the OP had to say was beyond inappropriate and quite mean. I also think the OP is very aware of the toxic nature of their interactions but finds it hard to pull herself away from him (much like a dysfunctional relationship). Transference is not a problem here, the problem is how horribly this T handles it. This is not a rookie T dealing with it for the first time- this guy is in his sixties and by this point in his career should have transference stuff down pat. I understand what you are saying about being real, but at the same time there has to be a limit. Not only on therapay but in all relationships. We can't just go around saying whatever we want to whomever we want. There are times when other peoples feelings trump our own needs to express ourselves. Knowing how to balance that can take time, but a therapist is expected to know how to do this, at least in professional situations. Part of the job is to use your best judgement and self control when clients do things that might push buttons. And honestly, I think he pushed more buttons than the OP. He took a minor infraction and turned it into an hour of melodrama.

Well that sounds pretty darn simple.

But as the lady in the insurance commercial says, "That's not how it works! That's not how any of this works!"

Maybe it works for simpler or more surface issues.

It seems like the other way around--that you are making this somehow about your situation, while the other commenters are not.

I am very confused by your posts on this thread, but, to the extent I understand, I disagree that it can't work in ways other than you are proposing.

Hardly. That's how it works with professionals. I wouldn't know simple or surface issues, so can't speak to them as well as you can.

Thats not what i said. I said, that one way - "tell me why you chase after the unavailable" - is not how therapy works. Would that it were that simple! If a person could just answer the question of why they do the things they do and immediately stop doing them...?! Is this even a psych question?

Eta - im sorry if ive offended or confused anyone. I thought this was an interesting thread, and i thought it would be more rude not to respond at times, as i felt some statements were directed at me. Again sorry if i overstepped.

Worse than that, it was a two-hour session. Two hours of melodrama.

Getting rude, getting rude guys. People see things from different backgrounds and experiences and we don't have to necessarily agree. But perhaps we can avoid the personal zingers at each other.

You mean like her therapist did?