Confessing to therapist that you looked at his FB and know private information?

Wow. Outa here.

I have not been offended by you nor did I intend to offend you. I truly don't understand what you are getting at - I am not good with that sort of freudian analysis/stream of consciousness (I could be wrong about what you are doing- just how it seems to me) sorts of interpretations about therapy.

No offense here either and I hope I wasn't rude either. Just a bit confused about your take on Winenot's session. I believe she was quite upset by how it went as was her other T.

Rather than ask "why do you chase the unavailable?", which I agree is almost impossible to answer, I think he might have asked the OP what prompted her to look at the FB page and how did seeing all that make her feel. Those questions are tough but with some digging can be answered. Everything this T said either shamed the OP or fed his own ego. I guess I'm just trying to say that some issues may be best treated on a surface level. I don't see how pushing a client to tell a T she's in love with him is at all helpful. Feelings are feelings, forcing someone to admit them doesn't change anything. And I do think for some people, part of therapy is modeling - in this case modeling how to handle conflict in a healthy way. I use therapy with my pdoc that way and I find it helpful. I understand obsession and feelings in therapy and downplaying it can work too- it removes the shame and normalizes things. Hearing "don't give it a thought" or "that's ok- it's good to feel that way" while keeping boundaries in place (meaning not following up with sexual innuendo) normalizes and deflates the feelings. I think it can be the same outside therapy as well. I don't think what this T said is a good example of a conversation most people would want to have or aspire to have.

Well, I think this therapy has gone way off the rails. I do not think he is helping you at all - and in the end that's all that matters.

I do think it is important to note, however, that you did play a part in this. If I understand correctly, your therapist's facebook page was private. You got your information through his girlfriend's page. If so, you might not see it, but, in my opinion, that is pretty clearly out of realm of appropriate behavior. By making his page private he sent a clear message that he didn't want people to see it. That should have been respected.

I do agree that googling a therapist is a wise thing to do. I do not however think it is appropriate to go after a therapist's family - or girlfriend.

Your therapist should have made this about boundaries I think, and, what, in your mind, justified this behavior. He didn't. He made this about himself. That's a problem.

I'm glad you have another therapist to go to. This one, I think is dead in the water.

The girlfriend's page is public and clearly he doesn't have it that private if OP is able to get to the girlfriend's page because you can hide your relationship or not link to a relationship at all.

I'll repeat the mantra I always repeat: public info is public, whether it's hers or his. If he has such an issue, he shoulda, woulda, coulda had a conversation with his girlfriend.

Welcome to the age of social media.

Just to clarify, no, I'm not happy with the things he has said.

My intention for bringing up what I found online wasn't to confront him. It was to relieve myself of the burden of knowing what I knew, and for so long. It was disrupting our therapy because I had all of this information about him that he was never aware of. I was constantly feeling guilty. My other therapist was telling me I wasn't having a sincere or honest relationship with him because I was constantly keeping things from him. Now I've told him everything. I expected him to get very angry, so in a way I am relieved that he kept his cool, for the most part.

I do want to say that this therapist has known about my feelings for a very long time, and feel that he constantly "messes" with me. For example, after we almost had a falling out, which you can read about here (http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...t-finally.html), we had another two hour session where all we did was argue. Nothing got solved. After that, I was off the schedule for awhile. I had gotten angry, because it seemed he was punishing me on purpose, and seemed to forget what days he even scheduled me for. He told me: "you're gonna just have to deal with where you are on the schedule for now. It's time to put your big girl panties on and wait it out-- oh wait-- you don't wear those in your pictures!" He was joking (I think), but still, I found that a weird thing to say....as this was as I was paying, outside of his office at the front desk (nobody was there, as I was the last client of the day...still). Again, just to be clear, I'm not trying to victimize myself here. Him and I often joke at eachother's expense and both have a sarcastic/dry sense of humor. We don't usually take things TOO far. This is one of those instances where I thought was a bit much. Then again, I say off the wall things sometimes too. Who knows what his intention was, there...

Also. The session before my "confession", he had scheduled me for Christmas Eve. My appointments are always Fridays at 7:00, and usually he gives me a card if there is a different time. Anyway, after the "confession" session he said, "I don't really want to work on Christmas after all. I think I'm gonna be taking that entire week off, so I will see you January 2nd." I said "Alright," and didn't think anything of it. So Christmas Eve comes around and I get a text from him saying, "Hey, are you just running WAY late, or what.......??" I was so confused. He was ADAMANT about not working Christmas Eve. I wrote back that he had told me he was gonna see me back on Jan. 2nd, and he said that I must have misheard, but that "obviously I wasn't coming."

My point in telling that is sometimes he "forgets" things he tells me. Or maybe our sessions become so charged that he isn't even in his best frame of mind. Either way, I found it SO weird and I also felt horrible for missing an appointment. Luckily, he didn't charge me an extra fee like he would for other clients.

Basically yeah...he's said a lot of inappropriate things to me that I have let slide because I have feelings for him. He can basically say or do anything, and it still won't make me stop going. I hate it. Yes, I'm glad we can talk about my transference so openly now, and make jokes...but at what cost? All this **** is killing me, and the worst part is, I think he knows it.

Also, I found this review a week ago on Yahoo: "I would NOT recommend this counselor to a woman or people in relationships. Between sexist comments he made in front of me and my fiancee and his constant one-liners, the entire appointment was simply awful. I had to excuse myself."

Oddly enough, the review has since been deleted. Interesting this happened right after I came clean about what I knew about him from Facebook. Sounds like he's really cleaning up his online presence...or maybe he has something to hide. Maybe he's afraid that I might report him. It's just weird, because people should be allowed to post reviews about a therapist online, whether positive or negative. In his defense, there WAS also a positive review too, saying how much he helped a female client through her divorce and that she absolutely adores him. In any case...why would he delete it?? I hope he doesn't know about this forum. That would seriously suck if he knew I was sharing so much about our relationship. And, I have not checked to see if his girlfriend's page is private now, because I just don't think I can stomach to know that they have had a conversation about me. That, and I told him I won't look anymore.

Through all this questionable crap, I am still very attached to him. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Not sure how to start letting go. I don't think he is ALL bad. Just not a very good therapist. I can't believe it's come to all this. He used to be very good and I admired how safe I felt. I feel like I ruined this somehow. I'm not sure where or what went wrong. I feel like I created a ****ing monster. I'm not sure where my mental illness starts and his craziness begins.

I'm glad you found that review of him online. It definitely confirms what you and probably a lot if us that have been following your threads, have been thinking. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. What went wrong is that your T found a young woman he could manipulate. . You have every right to be furious and so much more. I think a lot of us on this board react so strongly to this thread so you can see that you're instincts about him are spot on. I know you care about him and it's hard to see you'd situation objectively but from as an outsider looking in, it's so clear that your T is a nut job. Maybe if you let yourself get really, really angry you'll be able to walk away.

I think it's good that you are slowly able to see him for what he is and I think writing things down is useful too. The issue with him cancelling the session then texting you, is a good reason to document these things - perhaps he simply forgot, or he could be gas lighting you i.e. trying to make out that you're the mad bad one who forgot. It's telling that he didn't charge you for the 'missed' one.

Another thing that's been on my mind, which I've been reticent to say as don't want to throw accusations around - have you considered how he met his much younger girlfriend? I maybe totally wrong but it's crossed my mind that she may have been a former client of his... as I said, I could be totally wrong and hopefully I am. It all just sounds very weird. And his comments, gah, the man has no boundaries. I think he's pretty toxic for you but I understand it's hard to walk away, when you feel so attached. hope you're able to work through some of this with your other therapist.

NONE of this is your fault. It's up to him to manage the situation, it's up to him to discontinue if therapy is getting destructive, it's up to him to seek consultation if he's in over his head.

From what you describe, he's abandoned his professional responsibilities and stoking something hurtful. He fails to throw you a life jacket, leaving you to find support elsewhere to extract yourself. I understand the pull, but you've told us about so much negative, hurtful drama he brings.

I was in a different drama, but yet a destructive stalemate --a hugely vain therapist who wouldn't let me go because that would point to his failings. Fortunately my college roommate, a caseworker, and a couple of other people called the reality for me, and I was able to leave. This didn't involve the thrill and flattery of a flirtation, but still it was so difficult to believe my version over his "authority."

Sure feels good that I did in retrospect though.

And I will repeat mine. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

Take for instance, those persons who had their pictures hacked and leaked. Now public information. Should you look? Nope. It was the intent of the person to keep it private. I think we gotta respect that intent.

The therapist intended for his life to be private. Shoulda been respected. It just takes self-regulation and control. It isn't a skill that some of us have. Totally okay, it can be learned and it can change one's life.

However, in addition to the *can* issue, there is another related point. It's one thing to be curious about your therapist. The therapy is between the therapist and you. Totally okay and a natural offshoot of therapy. Bringing the significant others in is rather unseemly. Understandable, but not okay. It's gotta stay with the therapist. Therapist's families, girlfriends etc.. aren't a part of the therapy and shouldn't be. It's intrusive to them and the therapy.

We clearly have different opinions on this. I will always come down on the side of respect and restraint. Even if it's through gritted teeth, there are some things that we should set as off limits.

I'm so sorry you got all up in this. His reaction is not your fault. He's gotta own it.

I just really really think that in situations like this, you've got to put YOU in front of everything else. I would take some time and try to get some perspective. Even though I said it, this may not have run off the rails as badly as it seems.

Talk to your other therapist about it early and often. I think it will help you to be most true to yourself.

Good luck.

Peace to you.

Nope, not my boundary to enforce. If I want to read up on my T's wife's FB page, I absolutely will with a clear conscience. Hacked/leaked is totally different as it wasn't willingly put up and out there whereas anything the T or his significant other puts out there, is. The entire point of social media is to put yourself out there. Some platforms allow higher levels of privacy and that's *their* job, not mine, to maintain.

The only reason I would ever recommend against it is if it causes distress to the person in therapy. Otherwise, public info is public.

I think this is an issue of exposure. People who are not well versed in social media are disturbed when they find out how easy accessible their info is. I have a teenager and he looks dumbfounded when my H and I are surprised when we find our stuff online. He says "that's what you get for not setting your profile to private". It's the entire point of social media.

Nope, not yours to enforce, but it is yours to respect.

I was wondering, he could be losing it... I mean his personality is changing, he's forgetting stuff... Not his fault and definitely not yours.
Either way you should get out of that situation and fast. I know you said repeatedly that you won't but please keep thinking about it/talking about it. As hard as it may seem it is doable

That's a good point. Not to say that being his age means being out of touch, it is more likely. That being said, he should have been open to the possibility that he was wrong and forgot, not that you definitely misheard. That's cruel even if he was definitely correct.

Nope. Public info is public. Don't set up a FB profile if you don't want anyone looking at it. FB is expressly designed to connect people and to share information. That's the #1 reason it exists. My husband has a semi-public job with some level of authority in his role. He deleted his profile. I have mine set to super-max privacy and I regularly review the privacy settings. I am keenly aware that what I put on the internet is available to anyone who wishes or wants to look at it. If I don't want them to look at it, then I'll take it down (and I have at times done that).

My job, my responsibility, my boundary. Not anyone's job to "respect" it as there is nothing to "respect". I set up a profile. I have an account.

The reason I push this btw is because I see a lot of "shaming" about it 'round here and it's time people moved to the 21st century and realize that it's not their job to do anything with their Ts. It's their T's job to make sure they're being responsible with their online info.

I agree with nowhereusa. Respect may be something a person is working on in therapy. It certainly is for me. My boundaries were never respected at home. My wants, my needs, my existence even. So yeah i have a problem with authority. I understand the concept of respect, sure. I stop at red lights. But the yuckiness gets worked out in therapy, with my poor t as target.

Completely agree! My other therapist told me it is their own job as a therapist to be aware of their online presence and to keep what needs to be private, private. He said I did nothing wrong, as I didn't hack or do anything illegal. It was all public information anyone could access. He said it's their job to enforce things like boundaries, not the client's. If they have an issue with something that the client does or says, they need to bring it to the client's attention. It's not supposed to be my responsibility to protect or care about my therapist's doings online or wellbeing...nevertheless, I STILL care. May not look like it, all with my "stalking" and bashing. But I do.

Some HR departments are now utilizing social media to learn about a potential employee. Not that they go around asking about the person on social media, but they look to see how much information is out there on a person.

We're generally doing the same thing they are. We trying to find out more about the person we're working with.

My fiance might potentially do some government work, so he keeps all his social media on lock down and is mindful of what he does post. He asked me to do the same because we are linked.

So I truly believe it is my responsibility to be aware of who can see what I put out there about myself. I'm one of the sad people who have like 17 people on my friends list because I don't invite every random person who know this friend or that family member.

Oh...my T and her husband have their social media locked down fairly well. My primary has hers completely locked down. My Pdoc...well, she did something tricky so most people couldn't find info on her. And my ex-T, she put down a completely different last name (not married or madien last name). Only reason I found her was because she gave me her email address and it happens to be the one she used on the site.

But, I show my T respect by telling her what I have found. It is up to her to fix it or leave it. I also show her respect by not using any of the information against her (i.e. mailing her stuff to her house, showing up to her house or other job, contacting her family/friends, etc).

Also a point, I know many people here are afraid of your Ts or Pdocs finding you on here. Well, you have the same option: you can limit what information you put out there. Only difference, I think most Ts and Pdocs have little time or interest researching us. I mean, we're the ones going in and disclosing to them. They know plenty about us already.

The difference here is that the sphere has increased into people the therapist knows.

The therapist did his part. HIS page was private. Not satisfied with that clear message of intent, it's onto people the therapist knows in order to circumvent his established boundaries.

Look guys, no matter how you try to justify it, that's not okay. The people in a therapist private life shouldn't have to change because we enter therapy. It's just not right.

I'm not shaming. It's understandable, and when it's the therapist own stuff, it's fodder for therapy. I see cases here where it goes beyond the therapist and into their children, girlfriend etc...

In my mind, that's different.

Well, he told me not to look anymore, and asked me how his girlfriend would change her profile to private. I told him what to do. So...problem solved? I've learned my lesson, most assuredly. But I'm also not gonna beat myself up over this and feel like a ****** person. I do that enough on my own time. What's done is done. Even HE said I shouldn't feel bad. So yeah.

I got off of Facebook because of other people's links in (and because I never went there or understood the point - but neither of those would have caused me to resign or whatever it is called - which I ended up doing) because I don't want students or clients going to pages of my friends who post all sorts of stuff. I admit I don't know how it all works, but it was too risky for me so I took the responsibility to get off Facebook altogether. It was not my students nor my clients problem to deal with. It was mine and so I did. If I have to not post on social media because of my privacy concerns, it is for me to handle, not for me to expect others to not look at public information.
I don't think there is a universal right and wrong here.

#1. (I did this many years ago).....never, never put yourself down---it takes practice, but it can be done; there is a whole world of people willing to do that.

#2. You put yourself in a position to be vuleranalbe and hurt and that "t" was playing a game it seems. Do not (if you are still seeing him) EVER LET Him hear/think that you don't think much of yourself.

Repeat #1 until you NEVER say anything negative about yourself; what we think and say out loud goes into our mind and body tissues and affects us.

It was NONE of his business about you looking at his page...or anything else you do. Keep it to yourself.