Rejection? What is it?

I feel uncomfortable this morning. Not sure what is causing it but can't seem to find comfort within myself today. I was just writing and the word "Rejection" came to mind.

I mean what is it exactly? I wrote its a feeling of being left and wanting that someone so bad that every part of your body aches with yearning? Its knowing that no matter what I/you do it can never bring someone back who doesn't want to be back.

Its that feeling of wanting "them" more then they wanted "you". Its the shame of knowing that? Unyet still wanting them.

Its the feeling of being bottom of the heap in your wanting and the other being top in their "couldn't care less" feeling back toward you?

But I'm adult now? Would being rejected still be the worse thing that could happen? Haven't I got enought experience of WHO I AM to be able to deal with rejection now?

What if this person who walked away was to want me as badly as I feel I wanted them? would that be ok? Or is the act of wanting that I feed? Do I block out my today with fantasys of rejection? but why? is it safer to feel rejectec then to feel accepted? Does acceptence bring with it skills I do not feel I have?

Is opting for rejection an easy option? I don't know if I can keep my end up of an ongoing relationship? But isnt that what T and I are about?

Is that what she means when I ask her how "This" meaning me and her is helping me? and she replys "Its the ongoing you and I"

Oh I'd never looked at it like that? I only looked at it as me and her and me trying to keep her from going in fantasy. I dont concentrate on keeping us together. I dont understand what an ongoing relationship is for? How sad is that? Part of me is talking in my head now saying "Pfft who wants that intimate smarmy crap?" Only whimps need relationships. We're tough coz we can do it alone! But we can't our reality shows us we have human basic needs but we deny them!

Not sure I am ready to accept my own needs yet.

oh mouse i feel for you. me too honey. i feel rejected and abandoned still - i'm 42. cant help these feelings. i just need something, i'm not sure what. i need to feel loved and cared for physically, it'snot weak to feellike that is it? i have love on here, which is fantastic, but i sometimes ache to be close, the sad thing is i am married, just dont feel like i am

sending you a warm huggle, take care, luv ya, jinny xoxoxo

mouse - You are so contemplative. I love that.

I worry about rejection too. It is my biggest fear and to avoid it I either reject others first or avoid ever connecting alternating with occasional clinging. Quite a see-saw since I so need relationships and I'm so scared of them.

Recently I felt like my pdoc rejected me. (I'm still unsure about it.) It was like being pushed away and having trust broken. It was like questioning what things were really true - which of my thoughts and beliefs about the relationship. I felt suddenly unbalanced - the world tipped. I was let down and felt like I had failed or done something wrong. It felt like I had been lied to and mislead. It felt like I had been devalued and left behind. That's what rejection is to me - a withdrawal of regard or love that once seemed to be there or maybe that I just wanted to be there. It makes you feel like you're not worth being loved. *sigh*

I also fear that I couldn't hold up my end of a relationship which seems to be substantiated by everyone else leaving me in one way or another. Logically of course that isn't reasonable, but this is emotion speaking. How do you get the two - mind and heart - in harmony?

I know that sense of "yearning."