[sunrise]

My 13 yo daughter has been recommended to get some counseling by our family doctor, who did a mental health evaluation. She wasn't "ordered" to do this, but doc said she thought it would be a good idea and helpful. Parents agree. Daughter is very resistant. I've tried to explain counseling/therapy in as positive a light as possible, and explained that it would be confidential. I spoke to a highly recommended counselor today on the phone, and she sounded very good. How do I get my daughter to give this a try? I made a tentative appointment for next week, but I'm afraid my daughter will dig in her heels and refuse to go. And what if she does go but will say nothing in the session? Do counselors of adolescents know how to handle this? Get the kids to open up? Get the kids to like them? If she says nothing and is just very resistant, will the counselor refuse to see her again? You know--you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink? I'm really worried about this. I just want my daughter to get some help and support.

[Christina86]

(((((((sunrise))))))))))

I am really glad you are so supportive of your daughter getting counselling. I'm no longer really close to being 13, but I can understand if there might be some resistance on the part of your daughter. Perfectly normal actually, teenage thing. I figure she might not be very open at first, but then again it's hard to immediately "jump in" and trust anyone the first bit in a relationship, therapeutic or otherwise. If your daughter is uncomfortable about going, or has any thoughts about the counsellor, it really is important that you listen to her - she needs to be heard, since this is for her benefit. I don't think a counsellor will refuse to see a person from the "get-go" just because they aren't very open. If it takes a session, then it takes a session. As for your daughter liking her (the counsellor), maybe she will, maybe she won't. If she doesn't, try to get her to make sure of it - and if she still doesn't, then it's just having to find someone else she fits "better" with.

Good luck, and I hope this proves to be beneficial for your daughter.

[sunrise]

Thank you, canders. (((Hugs)))

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If your daughter is uncomfortable about going, or has any thoughts about the counsellor, it really is important that you listen to her - she needs to be heard, since this is for her benefit.

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My daughter told me tonight she doesn't want to go. I tried to listen to this with an open heart and mind. Yet I really want her to go, despite what she says. I'd like her to give it a try. Am I not "hearing" her by continuing to try to get her to go even though she's told me she doesn't want to? I hate to think I'm "forcing" her. I just want her to get help. I've asked her to give it a try. Do you think it is OK that I insist she go to a few sessions? Or is this totally counterproductive?

[DePressMe]

My best friend has a 13 year old girl in counseling. At first she absolutely refused to go, but now she looks forward to it. Maybe you could "deal" with your daughter--get her to go to 4 or 5 sessions with the agreement that you will let her decide for herself after that. That is what my friend did.....and it worked...but with girls, you just never know!

Hey Sun! Now, I don't mean to dig too much, but I'm just trying to help... Does your daughter understand the reasons why it was suggested that she enter therapy? What are the reasons that she gave you that she doesn't want to go?

In answer to your question, most therapists, especially ones that specialize in adolescents are very well equipped to deal with clients who are resistant in treatment. Most do this by "joining" with the client and emphasizing the degree to which they are on the client's side.

I started therapy when I was 17. However, it was my choice because at that time I was already experiencing constant panic attacks. Looking back at my life, and knowing what I know now, I should have (and would have liked to) start therapy a lot earlier than 17. However, that opportunity was never offered to me, and it wasn't recognized at the time maybe I had a problem. So, I think your daughter's really lucky that you are taking such good care of her Paying attention to the signs of a problem, and planning for treatment before it escalates. But of course, to a 13 year old, she may not see this side of it.

Have you ever spoken to her about what kinds of things you do in therapy? What does she think about you being in therapy? This is a tough situation. It really depends on what the problem is, but if you feel that therapy is a necessary answer to the problem, I think it would be okay for you to insist that she go at first, then let her make the choice of whether she wants to continue. Therapy is one of those things that you can't expect a lot of people to see the benefits and positives of, until they try it. Sometimes, even then, they don't exactly see the benefits of it, but at least they enjoy going. It's often hard to step outside of the situation and see how it's beneficial. That's something that usually comes down the road!

But in conclusion to my long-winded answer, I think in this situation it's totally appropriate to step in and be the parent, and insist that she go for a bit. It's for her well-being. And of course it depends on the severity of the problem, but if she was sick, you would insist that she go to the doctor, you know what I mean?

Good luck, let us know what happens!!

Why doesn't she want to go?

It could be helpful to approach the issue as your trying to understand why she doesn't want to go rather than your trying to persuade her to go. Because ultimately it does need to be her decision and therapy won't be beneficial if she really doesn't want to be there.

Of course it might be the case that her concerns can be addressed and she will decide to go after all. But if she doesn't feel heard (if she feels made to go) then it probably won't be very productive.

[sunrise]

Thanks canders, DepressMe, and pinksoil for your advice and support. (((hugs)))

pinksoil, that is reassuring what you wrote about therapists being equipped to deal with people who are resistant to therapy. Yes, I have tried to portray my own (recent) experience in therapy to her in a positive light. I have told her what it is like so she knows what to expect.

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Does your daughter understand the reasons why it was suggested that she enter therapy? What are the reasons that she gave you that she doesn't want to go?

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I have explained what the doctor said and added my own reasons too and some from my own T, as we have discussed this. I'm not sure she understands, though. I've tried to be positive and emphasize how counseling might help her rather than dwell on her problems. I don't want to make her feel bad about herself, you know, like "you need help you are so screwed up." That has not been part of our dialog at all. She is not rational about why she doesn't want to go and can't really articulate that to me. Just that she does not want to go. She is very shy and especially has trouble communicating with adults. So I think just the very idea of being alone in a room with a stranger and being expected to talk to her for an hour is extremely intimidating.

It sounds like several people here think I should be firm in having my daughter go for counseling, at least for a few sessions. So I think I'll go with that plan. If she won't go in the room with the counselor, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe go in myself and ask for advice.

I just feel overwhelmed with this. I have these other major problems I'm trying to solve in my own therapy but my daughter needs so much help. Everything just seems to be falling apart, and I feel all the responsibility for keeping things together and taking care of everyone. I'm trying to add in some additional support for my daughter with the counseling, but she doesn't want it. I just don't know how to handle all of this.

[sunrise]

Thanks, alex. What you wrote has been my fear. The trouble is she is not rational and cannot (or will not) communicate to me why she doesn't want to go, so I can't reassure her or really "hear" her as she won't tell me. I'm left to guess why she doesn't want to go. Meanwhile, she is just angry. I don't know how to make her feel "heard" because she won't give me anything to listen to.

I will be seeing my own T a couple of days before my daughter's appointment, so maybe I'll ask his advice. I just feel at my wits' end.

[Christina86]

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sunrise said:
Am I not "hearing" her by continuing to try to get her to go even though she's told me she doesn't want to? I hate to think I'm "forcing" her. I just want her to get help. I've asked her to give it a try. Do you think it is OK that I insist she go to a few sessions? Or is this totally counterproductive?

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Ask her to go to at least one session. She can be reasoned with I'll bet, as long as you don't use negative reinforcement or punishment if she still disagrees. Basically, the best and worst thing you could do is bribe her. Have some sort of nice dinner/meal and let her choose what she wants. I know it sounds ridiculous, but teens will do lots to get a reward. I know I did, and I still do!!

Good luck.

maybe her reasons aren't rationally expressible in the sense that they are emotions (that she might well be giving herself a hard time about already).

it can be hard to disclose emotions if we worry that we will be thought of as stupid or irrational or whatever.

might be that her 'reasons' need to be coaxed out of her...

sometimes acceptance is the key to change...

i still think it does need to be her decision.

but that doesn't preclude trade-offs if you allow her to do something that she really wants to do that you haven't let her for a while...

[sidony]

Wow, I wish someone had sent me to therapy when I was a teenager. :-) I know it would have helped me a lot in life.

I thought I'd share with you than one of my best friends in real life is a psychologist. She has a young client who has mostly refused to speak at all in the sessions. She keeps trying various approaches and slowly gets the girl to talk by trying really trivial subjects at first. She hasn't made a lot of progress yet, but she has no inclination to quit because she wants this poor kid (who's had a really unstable home life), to have something stable in her life so she can talk once she's ready. My friend definitely hasn't refused to see her, so I don't think you need to worry about that. And I suspect your daughter would talk eventually because it's awfully hard to sit in silence with someone (especially a therapist!).

I'm not a parent myself, but I don't think it'd be harmful to insist that your daughter go a few times. I like the suggestion someone else made about making a pact (getting her to agree to it for a few sessions and then allowing her to choose). That seems like a good approach.

I know if I ever have a teenage kid I'm gonna stick 'em in therapy.... :-)

Sidony

[sunrise]

Update:
This morning after my daughter left for school, I left a short note on her bed telling her how much I cared about her and why I really would like her to give counseling a try. She is not a good verbal communicator and gets uncomfortable in one on one conversations about "serious" subjects, so I thought writing a letter to her might work better. I also printed out a little vignette I found on the Internet about a girl who goes for family therapy and her experience there. So I left these on her bed and then talked to her tonight after dinner about whether she had read them. She had and didn't really want to talk about them, except to tell me she was not the girl in the vignette, but she seemed more comfortable with the idea of counseling and not as resistant anymore. She is planning to go on Thursday and didn't seem hostile/angry about it anymore. So this is a lot of progress! Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well....

Thats great sunrise :-)

[biiv]

thats cool sunrise shes agreed to go. my only thoughts on this subject would be to promote the idea therapy is a place where she can complain unconditionally to someone about the crappy life she has (it has no relevance that she may not have a crappy life but i guarantee she thinks she has!!) so she doesnt have to talk about 'fixing her problems' but rather about 'complaining about her awful parents'. the counsellor can then try to work her around and through her feelings.
and just to clarify nothing i said here reflects on your parenting... im just saying how a very normal teenager always feels about their 'terrible, horrific deal in life stuck with these parents who blow'. lol.
good luck and please keep us updated.
biiv

[sidony]

Yay sunrise!

That was a good idea with the written communication, especially helpful for a teenager.

Let us know what she thinks of it afterward!

Sidony

[sunrise]

Well, my daughter went for her first counseling session yesterday. I think it went OK! We both met the counselor briefly together in the waiting room and then off she went by herself into the room with the counselor. I felt, like wow, what a moment. She is so differentiated. I came back to get her a few minutes early and the 3 of us talked. The counselor told how my daughter had decided to give this a try for a while and how glad she (the counselor) was about this. I said me too. Inside, I felt on cloud 9. And the counselor reminded both of us that what happens between her and my daughter is private and up to my daughter to share if she chooses. And the rest of the afternoon, my daughter was in quite a good mood instead of being hostile or withdrawn. She went out into the rain and tooled around in the vacant lot next door and seemed to have a good time exploring and getting soaked. (maybe that doesn't sound like fun to some people but both my daughter and I love the rain )

Anyway, I am cautiously optimistic that this may be helpful! Next week, they'll meet again.

Thanks everyone, for your input and support.

ETA: given an earlier discussion in this forum about how some people obsess over what to wear to their therapy sessions, I thought it was funny that right before my daughter and I left our car to go into the counselor's office--we had been waiting there 15 minutes--my daughter said "wait, I have to change my clothes" and pulled out a clean shirt and hoodie from her backpack that she had brought along. It cracked me up!

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sunrise said:
Well, my daughter went for her first counseling session yesterday. I think it went OK! We both met the counselor briefly together in the waiting room and then off she went by herself into the room with the counselor. I felt, like wow, what a moment. She is so differentiated. I came back to get her a few minutes early and the 3 of us talked. The counselor told how my daughter had decided to give this a try for a while and how glad she (the counselor) was about this. I said me too. Inside, I felt on cloud 9. And the counselor reminded both of us that what happens between her and my daughter is private and up to my daughter to share if she chooses. And the rest of the afternoon, my daughter was in quite a good mood instead of being hostile or withdrawn. She went out into the rain and tooled around in the vacant lot next door and seemed to have a good time exploring and getting soaked. (maybe that doesn't sound like fun to some people but both my daughter and I love the rain )

Anyway, I am cautiously optimistic that this may be helpful! Next week, they'll meet again.

Thanks everyone, for your input and support.

ETA: given an earlier discussion in this forum about how some people obsess over what to wear to their therapy sessions, I thought it was funny that right before my daughter and I left our car to go into the counselor's office--we had been waiting there 15 minutes--my daughter said "wait, I have to change my clothes" and pulled out a clean shirt and hoodie from her backpack that she had brought along. It cracked me up!

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Sun, that's great... I had been wondering if she ever ended up going, but I hadn't read this post yet. I'm glad everything worked out.