[Becca07]

I had a pretty useless session last week. I was really tired from getting almost no sleep for two days and just didn't have the energy to put much of myself into it. But I didn't really tell her that's why I was tired. So now I'm wondering if she thinks I just don't care about the therapy to work at it. I've only been seeing her since last month, so the relationship's really new.

Or maybe I'm over thinking things? I'm not really sure what to do on Friday. I want to be more active, but I'm not sure how to get back on track. I seem to be very passive, mostly answering questions she asks, rather than bringing issues up myself. That doesn't really bother me, but I'm wondering if I should be more active about things.

Becca

Becca, when you go next just talk about you feel about that last session, including that you were tired and that you didn't want to tell T you were tired. Talk about everything, even your question about being more active.

I am with a new T too. Just had my 4th session. I seem to be stumbling around in there and it feels awkward sometimes. I told her this past session that I realize I am 'flitting about and not landing on much right now but I feel I need to do that'. (I think I am getting comfortable and getting to know her and gaging the trust level I am feeling) She replied "It is okay. We will just see what comes up." I love how accepted and reassed that made me feel. She also allows silences, an important part of therapy, imo. I like that she gives me that time to be able to allow the feelings to be recognized. Last time after a minute or two of silence, she just smiled and I said, "I don't know where to go from here." So she helped by asking me a question.

We are all human, T's too; even they have tired and 'off' days when I'm sure they feel they haven't been fully present for their clients.

It was a good session because it has made you think. You will get more comfortable and hopefully you'll get used to talking about everything and especially how you are feeling at that very moment.

I hope you'll start by talking to her about the things you posted here.

Let us know how it goes.

How have you been feeling physically? Have you had surgeries recently?

[Becca07]

Echoes, I just don't think I'm very good at the whole therapy process yet. I'll try to bring up the topic with her on Friday.

I think maybe the problem is that I'm not getting those natural silences, so I never feel like I have the appropriate space to bring something up, without cutting off whatever we're currently discussing. Maybe I can bring up an issue before we start talking about anything.

I'm trying really hard not to be impatient about the whole process, but at the same time I would like to feel some effect, like the therapy is doing something. Not asking for a miracle, of course.

Physically, well, it's been a long couple of weeks. I had more surgery 2 weeks ago to take out 3 screws, one plate, and some bone and scar tissue impinging on a nerve. Then I had a virus that left me really run down on top of the no sleep issue, and you just cannot skip sleep while recovering from surgery. I got my stitches out yesterday, which is nice, but am now freaking out because I've yet to find a single shoe which doesn't actively rub an incision, and walking around barefoot with a still scabbed incision is really asking for an infection.

Becca

Becca, your continued feedback about your therapy is just what the therapist wants and needs. When you want space or silence, go ahead and say that. right when it's happening.

Yes, a good idea to begin the next session, and any session, with thoughts about the previous sessions, about what you want and need like the silences and more time on a subject and how to let T know when you need that. Talk about everything on your mind. Anything and everything, censuring nothing.

No one is 'good' or 'not good' at therapy, Becca. It might feel like you aren't doing well because you are new to it and because you may be judging yourself; try not to judge yourself. Talk about anything and everything, without censuring yourself for any reason. Sometimes you will feel the effect of therapy soon and sometimes not for a while. Just stay commited and keep going. Just showing up sometimes can be a huge effort worth celebrating.

I'm so sorry you're hurting from your recent surgery. Can you wear a sandal-type shoe for a while? Are you recovering at home or do you have to go to work? Foot surgery is painful especially when any weight on the foot makes it hurt more. Also, some pain meds interfere with sleep when I take them, particularly Vicodin (hydrocodone) which is widely used after surgery. I'm wondering if that might be the case with you too? If so, you could get something else. Just something to think about.

Here is a site I like a lot. It has a great section of Questions and Answers that were and still are very helpful to me: www.guidetopsychology.com. Maybe it will be helpful to you too.

Keep talking, don't judge and cesure; it's all something to explore and learn from.

Becca, Its like that in the begining. I expected my T to do most of the talking and asking etc but she didn't and its taken a while to almost learn how to talk about myself. I've always done a lot of talking but talking about myself in any real sense was alien to me. I was raised in a family where people only got heard when they argued. Bit by bit T has shown me how to talk about myself and how I'm feeling and what I feel I need. Just give time, time!

[lauren_helene]

Becca, it took me a long long time to open up to my T. There are still things I have a hard time saying...

You are being yourself and thats a good thing. You'll see that I over-analyze too (previous post) so you're not alone there.

[Becca07]

Echoes, thanks. You know, I think I'm hesitant about imposing my wishes because I feel like she's the expert, and that I shouldn't question what she's doing. Huh. Should probably bring that up too. I'm going to need a list on Friday!

The pain isn't really too bad. Just...frustrating, because it only hurts when I walk, so I feel like I shouldn't take my pain pills because instead I could just sit down and the pain would stop. In any case, I haven't taken any oxycodone/oxycontin since I was 5 days post. Maybe I should have when I couldn't sleep, I pass out cold on that stuff. I can't take vicodin, it makes me throw up constantly. There's been a lot of experimenting over the years to figure out what pain meds I can tolerate.

I had looked through that site earlier, and I had to admit something I read there really freaked me out. So much of it was good and then there was what I felt a violently inappropriate response from him towards a patient that left me very disturbed. So now I'm feeling kind of wary of anything he says, it colors it for me.

Becca

[Becca07]

Mouse, that's exactly it. I don't think I always know what I need, and even if I do I certainly don't know how to talk about it. The idea of being that demanding makes me very uncomfortable.

Becca

[Becca07]

Thanks Almeda, I'll give it time. I'm trying really hard to be patient with the process. I know that we're probably still in the getting to know you phase, so I'm probably hoping for too much just yet.

Becca

[Becca07]

Echoes, I forgot your sandals suggestion. That's what I'm making do with now, although it's not great. I have a deep puncture wound of an incision on the bottom of my heel and a long narrow incision on the top of my foot that basically just shouldn't be rubbed. So I need something padded on my heel, with a strap over my toes but no higher, although another strap much higher would be ok. Oh, and the shoe has to not hurt my other foot too, which is due for another major surgery in July and currently has an overly high arch. None of my old shoes fit anymore. I may do a desperate bit of shoe shopping this weekend.

Becca

Becca, I hope you feel better soon. How frustrating trying to find shoes that are as comfortable as possible. I hope recovery goes very well and you feel better soon. What is the expected recovery time for the surgeries you've had?

[Becca07]

I actually went out (gasp!) today and tried on a bunch of shoes. Miracle of all miracles, I found a pair that not only didn't add to my pain, but lessened the pain on one foot. I'm sold.

For the major ones, the recovery time is around 2 years. I'll be one year on the first foot on the 31st, but as I'm having another major one on that foot in July, it doesn't really matter. It's a very long haul.

Becca