[lauren_helene]

Hi gals, some of you saw my post last night. I had another session today and somehow I went from 2 sessions per week at the suggestion of my T last week, back to weekly or even every other week.

Long story short, there was an insurance inquiry which I'm not sure why, I have not exceeded my totals sessions for this plan year. My T called me last night after I saw him yesterday to tell me. Today, we discussed reducing sessions and I finally admitted that I don't want to see these end. He knows I'm attached but kind of avoids the subject when I bring it up <shrug>. Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know. All I know is feeling humiliated is starting to get to me.

He didn't say much. I'm not sure what I wanted him to say. Well, maybe "I never want you to leave" or "it's okay to feel the way you do"...he just mostly smiled and nodded. After a year of this relationship? Maybe I'm reading into it again?

Oh, well. I've cried for two hours straight. I somehow have attached myself to a person that is unavailable as a friend and apparently a therapist.

I'm not sure how we go from his suggesting 2x per week for a little while (just last week) to where we are today. We talked about how I'm not better yet (last week) but then today he said I am better. He did ask me what I thought but I was kind of out of words. Maybe it is an insurance thing or maybe he thinks we've done all we can do?

I see him next week and I'll tell him every other week is fine then. I am drained and feel that if this is what he wants why fight it? I see my pdoc tomorrow so we'll see how I feel after I sleep tonight.

I hope you all had a better day than I did...I wish I could be as inspiring as you all are from your sessions...

Grrr. It sounds so insecure for you right now. I'm so sorry.

Ask him if this is about insurance or about what he thinks is the right thing to do therapeutically. Tell him what you want. If you want twice a week then tell him. It may not work out that way but I believe stating your needs is more important in the long run.

Also, if it is about insurance, as they not only set the limits about how many visits they will allow, they also determine the type of therapy since they tend to limit providers to those who do short term therapy, and they decide on the frequency as well by approving or not approving a proposed treatment plan. If it is about insurance, can you see him on your own without the insurance being involved? Ask what he would charge you as a cash customer; often the fees are reduced because paperwork, claim filing, delay in getting paid, excessive record keeping, etc are eliminated when insurance is not involved.

Whatever your thoughts about this are, go and tell him and be completely honest about what you think and what you want. It is that emotional honesty we are striving to learn and practice there.

I'm sorry you're sad and frustrated and maybe feeling some abandonment as well? It sounds unresolved in your mind and that can be so uncomfortable, frustrating, hurtful.

[withit]

Man, this sure is a tough one! What a loss! It is so understandable that you are sad and at a loss for words.
I feel so sorry for you about this. To develop such trust and then have it snatched away just like that! And when you so dearly need it....
I can at least send you some cyberflowers, so here they are
Take gentle care,

Your T told you he thinks your better????? Geez, not sure I like the sound of that :-(

If it's not fine (which it's obviously not), then don't tell him it's fine... Please do what's in your best interest... which is to be honest!!! You're obviously feeling rejected by your T, and this is a good opportunity to share those feelings with him. Let him know that you've picked up some contradictions in what he's conveyed to you over the last couple of sessions... the best thing you can do is be completely honest. It sucks, it hurts, it's humiliating as hell, but ultimately, you'll be better for it.

You can be inspired by this-- I know it sounds weird, but it's an excellent opportunity to explore your feelings of attachment/abandonment. That's what I do when I have a crappy time with T. Like the time he didn't suggest I come more than once per week-- I was angry with him, I was crushed. So I went crazy writing, and learned a lot about why I had such issues with that. Inspiration doesn't always come from "good" sessions, you know?

Also, make sure you know everything that's going on with your insurance. Maybe call the company. If there was an inquiry and you don't know why, you most certainly have a right to!

I hope you are doing okay. Please let us know how you do with your pdoc, and all...

[purplemoon]

I would be so confused. I know it is hard but you should let him know that you are getting conflicting messages from him. I would also feel very rejected. You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling. I have decided that the whole process is just beyond humiliating. I am so sorry that things are not coming together for you. Insurance is a whole other issue. I just don't understand why insurance is so difficult over therapy. Our emotional state affects every aspect of our life including our physical health. They really need to look at like preventative. I know for myself - I have gotten so out of whack emotionally that I let my physical body go and ended up in the hospital. Maybe if they would pay for the therapy - they wouldn't end up with a huge medical bill. I don't mean to go on it just makes me so angry. We try and try and every corner there is a needless roadblock. Hang in there.

[lauren_helene]

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ECHOES said:

I'm sorry you're sad and frustrated and maybe feeling some abandonment as well? It sounds unresolved in your mind and that can be so uncomfortable, frustrating, hurtful.

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Oh yes, I'm feeling major abandonment at the moment Echoes. Thank you so much for managing to type out how I feel...many people seem confused by my thoughts but not you or the rest of the posters!

I kind of felt like he was saying I'm better because the insurance wants him too...that might not be right? But just last week, I did tell him that I felt somewhat suicidal but thought maybe the Wellbutrin was causing some of that. He did say the last 3-4 I've been more axious and angry but now this week, I'm better....and weekly or every other week is fine by him.

I sound like I'm whining, I do realize that but even my husband agrees I'm not better. My T did do a whole relaxation thing with me too yesterday and that helped. I'm just confused and he's become so important to me. I really felt like he cared last week and now the insurance is forcing his hand on something...

[lauren_helene]

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withit said:
Man, this sure is a tough one! What a loss! It is so understandable that you are sad and at a loss for words.
I feel so sorry for you about this. To develop such trust and then have it snatched away just like that! And when you so dearly need it....
I can at least send you some cyberflowers, so here they are
Take gentle care,

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Thank you for sending me cyber flowers...!!! You're sweet.

[lauren_helene]

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mouse_ said:
Your T told you he thinks your better????? Geez, not sure I like the sound of that :-(

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I'm with you Mouse...we did talk a bit about the insurance and he said he left the person a message with what they wanted and they didn't call back which was a good sign.

When I asked him what he thought, he said he thinks weekly or even every other would be fine for me. I hate insurance I really do...

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
If it's not fine (which it's obviously not), then don't tell him it's fine... Please do what's in your best interest... which is to be honest!!! You're obviously feeling rejected by your T, and this is a good opportunity to share those feelings with him. Let him know that you've picked up some contradictions in what he's conveyed to you over the last couple of sessions... the best thing you can do is be completely honest. It sucks, it hurts, it's humiliating as hell, but ultimately, you'll be better for it.

You can be inspired by this-- I know it sounds weird, but it's an excellent opportunity to explore your feelings of attachment/abandonment. That's what I do when I have a crappy time with T. Like the time he didn't suggest I come more than once per week-- I was angry with him, I was crushed. So I went crazy writing, and learned a lot about why I had such issues with that. Inspiration doesn't always come from "good" sessions, you know?

Also, make sure you know everything that's going on with your insurance. Maybe call the company. If there was an inquiry and you don't know why, you most certainly have a right to!

I hope you are doing okay. Please let us know how you do with your pdoc, and all...



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Pink, as soon as I left the session and was in my car you popped into my head. I was remembering your post about him not suggesting additional sessions and thought well, here I go now! I went from feeling good last week to crying and confused this week so fast!

You are 100% on the honesty thing. I'm afraid to be honest about my feelings because I don't want to make things difficult for him with the insurance or worse for myself if they stop paying for sessions altogether....that shouldn't stop me though.

Plus, I respect him so much and if he thinks I'm doing better than maybe I just need confidence in that? Like I mentioned, I did admit that I was afraid to get better completely because then I'll never see him again. Maybe I shouldn't have said that?

[lauren_helene]

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purplemoon said:
I would be so confused. I know it is hard but you should let him know that you are getting conflicting messages from him. I would also feel very rejected. You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling. I have decided that the whole process is just beyond humiliating. I am so sorry that things are not coming together for you. Insurance is a whole other issue. I just don't understand why insurance is so difficult over therapy. Our emotional state affects every aspect of our life including our physical health. They really need to look at like preventative. I know for myself - I have gotten so out of whack emotionally that I let my physical body go and ended up in the hospital. Maybe if they would pay for the therapy - they wouldn't end up with a huge medical bill. I don't mean to go on it just makes me so angry. We try and try and every corner there is a needless roadblock. Hang in there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You're right Purplemoon (by the way, purple is my fav color!!). Preventative is the key and you would think that insurance would realize that.

Yes, some of his comments to me have been confusing but I keep wondering if it is really his comments or what I am filtering through my negative mind...I know he cares about me because some sessions he shows it more than others. He did also say he wanted to foster a healthy dependence and not an unhealthy one. When I asked if he though it was unhealthy now he said no but maybe my earlier comment to him got him thinking....I'll let you all my know my pdoc says when I talk to her today....

Love ya everyone!!!!

[sunrise]

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I've cried for two hours straight. I somehow have attached myself to a person that is unavailable as a friend and apparently a therapist.

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I'm so sorry, almedafan. ((((hugs)))) You must feel like your T is pushing you away, and also bewildered, because you don't know why. Is it because he thinks you are better? Or is it because insurance told him he had to cut back your sessions? It would be hard to think maybe he is not being honest with you about the reason. Can you ask him if he truly thinks you are better or is it just insurance? It's not fair to you to not have the true reason.

I had a doctor once who would not give me a referral to the eye doctor (I had not seen an eye doctor in 8 years). She stalled and made excuses and finally told me she had been making too many referrals in her practice and might be dropped as a preferred provider by insurance if she didn't cut back, so that's why she wouldn't let me go see the eye doctor. Well, I had no respect for that reason since to me, my health came first, but at least I knew the score. Even though I appreciated her honesty, I dropped her like a hot potato. I hope your T is not compromising your healthcare due to pressure from the insurance company.

Another thing I wonder is how can your T think you are better if you are still seeing a pdoc? You are on anti-depressants, for gosh sake, which means you're depressed. Duh, T! She's not better! I don't understand how insurance could pay the pdoc to continue to prescribe drugs and not realize you are not better. Studies have shown that if people are going to use drugs to fight their depression, it is more effective to use them in combination with therapy. The insurance company should know that.

Sorry, going off on a rant.

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He knows I'm attached but kind of avoids the subject when I bring it up . Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, I don't know.

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It sounds like he is reluctant to engage in the transference with you. This is the sort of issue that T's often consult with their supervisors or colleagues on. Could a trusted colleague give him advice on this issue? I'm not sure if it is appropriate to bring that up to him, but maybe you could mention your concern about that to your pdoc and she would have some insights or talk to T about it.

Good luck. How did the meeting with the pdoc go?

[lauren_helene]

Hi Sunrise, you bring up some good questions for me to ponder and ask him next week.

He mentioned once briefly that he had dinner with another psychologist recently, maybe that was for supervision? I've never heard of that term but that doesn't mean he doesn't do it.

When you say "engage in the transference" do you mean that he should be helping me analyze it?

I agree with you about the being better comment and on anti-depressants. I thought the same thing as you.

I contacted my insurance today and all they told me was 2x per week is fine and so is the length of time I've seen him. They may have just called to inquire about the treatment plan because 2-3 x per week is considered "intensive outpatient therapy"...they even said they would approve more visits than my allowable amount with his approval.

Now he did tell me most of his patients are 12 sessions and then this smaller subset (like me apparently) are a bit longer. He said this a few weeks ago in response to something I asked about how long I've been seeing him.

Now I'm faced with another question. Could he not support the 2x per week he suggested to me last week to the insurance company? He did add relaxation to my session this week and he had never mentioned that before until this all happened.

My p-doc and I didn't get into all of this. We had to discuss medication and that took awhile. Then I tried to tell her a little bit and but when I mentioned insurance, she went off on that so before I knew it my 15 mins was up. I guess I should've been pushier about it.

I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because I always assume he's trying to get rid of me so to speak. I'm usually wrong about that. But I have this nervous feeling that either it is the insurance or he's not sure he can help me anymore. Although, he did say he would tell me if he couldn't....