[Soccer mom]

Shouldn't it feel good? Shouldn't I feel cared for, loved, etc.?

I've had a very emotional week crying much more than usual. I've cried about craving the connection and how much it means to me. Then, I've been upset that I want it at all. It seems most of the tears are that she matters to me, that I care about her, etc.

I want to ask her for more time but I see her Thursday and then again Monday. I'm so tired of being this emotional. I have said several times this week "*&%$ therapy". Why do I cry that I feel close? I keep wanting to push her away and not care. Numb is easier, guarded is easier.

When will I be ok feeling close to her? When will I stop fighting it and crying over it? I would have quit by now but know I am getting better. I wish my emotionally distant mom didn't make me this way.

[AustenFan]

Is it perhaps that numb is FAMILIAR and guarded is FAMILIAR? And that is why they SEEM easier? It's just that you're comfortable with numb and guarded and not so comfortable with love and connection? Maybe?

[Petra5ed]

I think that by being caring and making a connection and being in a parent like role therapists allow us to reconnect to our young need to be loved and cared for, but at the same time this need will never be fulfilled, the therapist is not our parent, whatever they offer us will never fully meet our old need to be taken care of completely. So I think that's why it hurts. She's bringing out a neediness in you (that exists because your mom didn't do a good enough job and because it was never fulfilled in childhood) and then not fulfilling that neediness, because she can't, no one can. What you're supposed to do is fully mourn the loss to move forward, and what you'll want to do is anything other than acknowledging and mourning.

Why does being so close to my T. hurt so much?

b/c it's unrequited love...

btw-I never heard it explained better than how Petra5ed just did.

Perhaps you are re-experiencing the pain you felt as a young child or infant, when I think we experienced emotions in a different way to now, which we can't normally remember. Time usually lessens pain. I think if you and your T hang in there it will be worth it.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Shouldn't it feel good? Shouldn't I feel cared for, loved, etc.?

I've had a very emotional week crying much more than usual. I've cried about craving the connection and how much it means to me. Then, I've been upset that I want it at all. It seems most of the tears are that she matters to me, that I care about her, etc.
B
I want to ask her for more time but I see her Thursday and then again Monday. I'm so tired of being this emotional. I have said several times this week "*&%$ therapy". Why do I cry that I feel close? I keep wanting to push her away and not care. Numb is easier, guarded is easier.

When will I be ok feeling close to her? When will I stop fighting it and crying over it? I would have quit by now but know I am getting better. I wish my emotionally distant mom didn't make me this way.

It's painful because you want the closeness and have a gut-level fear that your therapist will withdraw/become distant just like your mom. At least that's how it was for me. What resolved it for me was the ongoing nature of my therapist never turning her back on me. No matter what stunts I pulled... no matter how much I 'tested' she stayed the same. It taught me how to successfully attach to people appropriately. For me.. it was what they call 'corrective experience'. It changed my life. But it takes time. And until you really believe that your therapist is not going to emotionally abandon you.. its going to be painful. You can't 'make' yourself believe it tho. It's a process that happens on its own. All you can do is walk through it until you 'get there.'. Trust me.. once you are on the other side of this... the journey will be worth it.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

It's painful because you want the closeness and have a gut-level fear that your therapist will withdraw/become distant just like your mom. At least that's how it was for me. What resolved it for me was the ongoing nature of my therapist never turning her back on me. No matter what stunts I pulled... no matter how much I 'tested' she stayed the same. It taught me how to successfully attach to people appropriately. For me.. it was what they call 'corrective experience'. It changed my life. But it takes time. And until you really believe that your therapist is not going to emotionally abandon you.. its going to be painful. You can't 'make' yourself believe it tho. It's a process that happens on its own. All you can do is walk through it until you 'get there.'. Trust me.. once you are on the other side of this... the journey will be worth it.

How long did it take you to go through it? This is the strangest, most painful thing I have been through. Were you going weekly? I am and for the most part it's enough. But I find myself needing extra support right now. My husband and friends can try but certain things I need to hear from my T.

[rainbow8]

This thread is helpful to me too. Soccer mom, I can identity with your feelings about being close to your T. It feels wonderful but I don't trust it 100%. I know my T is not going to purposely abandon me, but something may happen and I'll be devastated. I think it's taken me all 5 years of therapy to feel really good about my relationship with my T but everyone is different. You're doing hard work in your therapy and I admire you.

[Soccer mom]

I want to quit. I'm tired of feeling this way and bringing up so much pain. Waiting until my Thursday session seems like an eternity. I hate this.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I want to quit. I'm tired of feeling this way and bringing up so much pain. Waiting until my Thursday session seems like an eternity. I hate this.

Don't quit! My T likes the quote "The best way out is through". Or maybe it's " the only"way. By Robert Frost.You WILL get through this. Thursday is only 2 days away.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Feeling closeness or a connection with someone is something most desire. It's a very natural thing. But when you add in things like abandonment, rejection, negative childhood (or even adult!) experiences, it makes that closness feel scary. That's where transference and attachment come into play.

I love the care, safety, and security that my T provides me. It sustains me, strengthens me, comforts me. But the fear is lossing that and the pain that comes with the loss. For me the fears come from all my past experiences with abandonment. For you, it's from your relationship with your mom (aand possibly others).

Many people here have claimed I suffer from transference. The difference between transference and attachment is that my feelings, fears, thoughts are not based off of a specific person or a person's role. It was many years ago related to my mom, but I've worked through that. My fears are based off of my general experiences with relationships. People have abandoned me. Many many people. So I fear my T will do the same.

Anyways, sorry for the side track. I think it hurts because you fear the loss or fear that its not authentic. But I think through therapy, we learn to love and comfort ourselves so that we can handle such losses more easily. It's not as traumatic. But it requires us to let someone in to care for us while we learn. It's scary. But it's worth it. It has to be worth it. I believe that there has to be a better way to live life then to be in fear. And if that means I have to struggle to get to that point, then I will struggle...just for the hope of something more.

[Soccer mom]

I'm feeling better (for now). I had a friend text me something comforting and then "I love you". I lost it at work and had to leave. Luckily it was lunch time so I went to a park and let it all out. I couldn't even pinpoint why I was so upset - I just kept thinking "I hate that I even care". Then, I called that friend and she calmned me down.
I'll have a lot to discuss at my next session. I just wish my T. could see me in one of those moments. I've yet to cry in front of her....maybe one day.
I've appreciated all the comments - I'm still amazed that something so good hurts so bad. I want to settle down, trust, love, accept and something deep inside tells me not to.

I'm not even sure sometimes why I'm doing this. If this is all related to my mom and she's gone, then why go through it? I don't feel like I struggle as much with friendships. I guess it's more mourning than anything. Maybe every time I feel close, my inner child realizes what I didn't have. So difficult to sort through it all.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

How long did it take you to go through it? This is the strangest, most painful thing I have been through. Were you going weekly? I am and for the most part it's enough. But I find myself needing extra support right now. My husband and friends can try but certain things I need to hear from my T.

I don't remember precisely.. but the persistently painful part lasted at least six months. And then for about 3 years after that the template I had from my family of origin was overwritten. Keep in mind tho that although the pain had subsides a great deal, there were a lot of ruptures because I persisted in expecting my therapist to be the a copy of my template. She was brilliant and instinctive in how she handled all the curve balls I threw at her. It changed my life.. and I'm so grateful.

Oh.. and I saw her as often as I needed to. For a while, it was at least two.. and sometimes three times a week.