when you really need your T right after a session

Sorry for asking for help again. and for the wall of text!
I had to relocate at my parents' house (temporarily), I'm in my early twenties. I've seen my T for about 1 year and I love her (as my T, not in a romantic way) and I have healthy attachment right now. She's always been supportive and most of the times understands me very well. Offered me free sessions when I moved out and was financially in trouble, kept me in longer if needed, adapted to my schedule. I'm in a difficult moment as I had to go back to my abusive home but she is being very helpful. I saw her today, good session and I should be fine but tonight I found out my mother read all my diaries and the writings I did while working in therapy. they are really bad. I have a history of ed and years long csa, which my family doesn't (didn't?) know about. I came back home and found all my things messed up, I felt so violated. I can't stop thinking about suicide as I can't move away now.
Contact outside sessions wasn't allowed at first and I really hate to cross boundaries. I contacted her twice so far, once for emergency (I was bein molested at work) and she got back to me right after and during winter holidays and never made me feel bad about that. Then she told me I could contact her if I needed her. So another time I emailed her after disclosing details about csa as I was having nightmares and panic attacks. Now I really want advice or just text her (well not in the middle of the night) as I want to die or hide forever and I'm desperate. I feel like my life is really over and I feel totally naked and threatened. I can't sit with it for another seven days.. on the other hand I really feel banned to contact her, especially during the weekend. I would like to just ask for an earlier session for urgent advice. I don't want to take advantage of her time or get a phone call. I just can't stay like this. But I feel I might be a pain in the neck. after all she's done for me, I hate to have her hear from me outside sessions. Don't know what to do.. any suggestions? I just want to disappear. I took tons of pills tonight which I never did before. I can't believe this has happened. thanks...

I feel the same today only nothing happened, I just left my session in crisis.

thanks Petra5ed, and sorry for the first messy version.. I sent it by mistake! Thanks for the understanding..

I think asking for an extra session early in the week (Monday, if possible) or, if you can't afford that, to move your regular appt up to Monday is a good idea. This is a high stress situation. She can decide how she wants to respond, but at least you will have put this out there without asking for out of session therapy.

Ambra, I'm going to talk straight here, from my heart. First, I'm going to say that I'm not a big fan of people calling or emailing their Ts, especially on the weekend, just because they don't want to wait until next session. That's my own thing and you can ignore it because it doesn't apply to you.

IMO, your situation is a crisis. I'm generally calm and the peacemaker and the person who gets upset the least over other people's bad conduct. I can honestly tell you that if I were in your situation I'd be feeling frantic.

Your mom rifled through your belongings and read your most private diaries and journals. Now the cat is out of the bag about CSA and ED and when that first happens it's scary, for anyone. It's scary because you don't know if you're safe and don't know what your mom will do next, who she'll tell or what's going to happen. In the long run, it may actually be a good thing, but right now you have to get through tonight and the weekend. That's what counts.

You will live through this, but right now what happened is not just business as usual, it's a real crisis and if you're still feeling upset and thinking about sui and other harmful thoughts, it would be good to reach out. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I know you'll come through this all right in the end. I hope you don't mind, but I'm shouting at your mom in my mind. I wish you the best.

Ambra you have every right to contact your T, especially now. I am so sorry about your diaries that is so awful. I also write in journals and I don't want anyone seen/reading what i wrote. It is my release. I wish you much luck! take care.

I would contact the therapist and try to arrange another appointment quickly.

I would just call and see if I could get an urgent appointment. I've done that before and got in same day.

Gonna echo everyone else's sentiments here and say to call her, at least to help you figure out what your next move should be.

I'm so sorry your mom invaded your privacy that way. I can relate to how absolutely vulnerable and invasive that feels (actually had it happen twice with different people).

I think it's ok to contact T at this point, and even a crisis line if you can't get in touch with T or if you need an immediate response.

keep talking to us, ok?

I'm so sorry your mom violated you like that. But please, please don't take a bunch of pills unless that's how they're prescribed. OK? Like TWO said, keep talking.

I'm sorry she read your diaries and you are stuck there. I would send a really short email explaining that and asking for an earlier appointment. My T also has boundaries about email and contact outside a session, I have only contacted twice. I think this is one of those times when contact is ok. Also I think there's a difference in an email that is an attempt to do therapy outside a session for instance expressing anger (I'm afraid both times I contacted My T it was basically for this) and am email or contact with your T which is reaching out in a pain and crisis and communicating a crisis.

Guys, first of all, I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and your words. There was a moment when I wasn't sure if It would be right to complain.
I need to throw it all away but I am not ready, it's my stuff and my thoughts, my hard work during my therapy journey that I've fought so much for despite my difficulties. My diary was locked in a safe place and she broke it and turned my room upside down. my abuser was/is a family friend. I have no idea why she did that. We were even getting along well lately so I feel really really betrayed. I really want to contact my T who is the only one knowing the whole situation but I do feel it is not right to call her now the weekend has just started... if I move out right now I won't be able to afford sessions anymore but I don't see any other choice.

Thanks, no problem. I am shouting at her too in my mind. Except for yesterday as I tried to make up a story about inventing a diary and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible. I don't know how I did that.
I think you are right, reaching out to my T is. BIG deal to me and something I hate too!
I'll see how it goes now and if I am still in this horrible state of mind I might email T asking for an earlier session but without specifying the reason, maybe just saying it's for an unexpected problem. what do you think..? Sorry I really don't know what to do.

Why wouldn't you want to tell her the reason for requesting a sooner appointment? This is serious. Unless you tell her why, she won't know the urgency.

Ambra, I don't know your T so I don't know why there's hesitation to tell her. You've done nothing wrong. The problem is your mom and you're stuck in her house. I would not hesitate to say why. As other posters said, a short email or text, with a short explanation is in order. If you're thinking of doing something harmful to yourself, as in having a plan, you may have to ask T to call. Otherwise, as sd and others suggested, asking for an earlier appointment.

Like::: T, my mother read my diaries about CSA and ED. I'm scared and feeling SUI. I'm in crisis. Then ask either for her to call or if you can have an appt early in the week. That's short and to the point and gets the message across.

Even if your T has strong boundaries about contact outside of session, no T wants their patients to be stuck in a real crisis, feeling sui. As Brown Owl said, there's a difference between an email just venting or attempting to do therapy outside of session and an email about a real crisis situation.

At the very least, ask for an earlier appointment. There's so much to figure out. Not just how you feel, but can you live at home, can you afford therapy. Practical matters, as well as emotional ones. Hang in there and keep letting us know how you feel as the weekend progresses.

Thank you.. I wrote an email. I started explaining briefly what happened but as I read it, it felt more and more stupid and I ended up just asking for an earlier appointment "as I have a problem". I always tend to minimize things (and then I regret it) but it felt too invasive since I know her boundaries and I also know she crossed them a lot of times for me. I asked her not to respond during the weekend, but to think in the meantime if she can give me an earlier appointment.
I wish I could be more honest about what I need and how fast, but she knows I avoid contact and if I write it's because I am in crisis and can't resist my blocks so I think she will reach out. Probably tomorrow evening. I'm having some crisis moments but I am trying to stay calm as I will be alone for the weekend.

Thank you