[just_a_name]

Hi!

I am going to tell my T on Friday that I was sexually abused (You can read my story at the "Survivors of Abuse borad "My story: I was sexually abused but ignored it for a long time). Well... at least that is a plan.

I really trust my T and last week I had a small brakthrough as I told her about my self-harming. But SA is something I have never told anyone and even thinking about this makes me feel really ashamed, depressed, panicky. I have to tell her about this as I am having flashbacks for a couple of weeks (maybe I have PTSD) and I am starting to loose control over my mind. I started thinking about self-harming again (so far I was able to distract myself and not do anything but it's getting harder to do) and have suicidal thoughts (but no plan, just a thought that I wish I was dead). I am afraid I will have panic attack while talking about this and the only thing that helps me while having a panic attack is going outside for a walk and smoking, both of which obviously can't be done during session.

I want to talk to her about it as since then I was unable to be in relationship as I hate being touched by people (it feels very disgusting...).

How would you approach it? How do you deal with panic attacks during session?

All the best!

[kaliope]

can i say, you crack me up? i love all your little side notes offering assurance. i think you are really insightful, working hard on your coping skills, and very brave for wanting to open up to T. Depending on what else you have told t so far, he/she may already have suspicions. When i had things that where really hard to talk about and i didnt know how to introduce them, i just wrote them down and handed T the paper to read and then we talked about it. I had no problem talking about it. I just didnt know how to introduce it. T was usually good with asking the appropriate questions from there. i just could never figure out how to go from t asking me How are you? OK...to I was molested. so it was, i have something really difficult to talk about, but i feel it is really important, i just dont know how to say it, so i wrote it down. then i would hand them the paper. I know, i am a chickenshit....lol

oh, panic attacks..........a way to stop them is to relax. it is physically impossible to panic and relax at the same time. you dont even have to really relax. just fool your brain into thinking you are relaxing. imagine as if you just did a meditation or had a massage and all your muscles have turned into limp noodles. just let them all go. this will stop the panic attack. you may have to do it a couple times over your first tries, but when i started doing this it ended the attacks and soon i never had a panic attack again,

[RedSun]

Hey just a name, I could have written your post! (In fact, I've written some very similar, feel free to snout cos I got given lots of great advice). I've very very recently started to open up a leetle teeny bit about csa, which I hadn't really remembered until I started therapy a year ago.
Long story, I won't bore you with it now...
i also worry about panic attacks in session, crying uncontrollably, not being ale to keep it together....ugh. I think I'm going to take advice from peeps on here and ask for. Longer session, almost plan the disclosure with t. That way, I have time to panic, cry, whatever, and hopefully that in itself will be calming. Can you not go outside for a smoke mid session if needed? If you discuss with t first?
Also, I've written poems about stuff out of session, then given them to t to read. I even read on out myself last session, it was very very difficult but I felt proud if me afterwards! It certainly helps for me to write things down rather than say them, it keeps the panic under control better, I often scribble things and hand t a little scrap of paper....she reads it, nods, then folds it up very carefully and puts it in her pocket

[just_a_name]

One more thing that is stopping me from opening up is the thought that maybe I am over-reacting and maybe the situation wasn't as bad as I think...

[ScarletPimpernel]

You sure you can go out for a walk with your T? Some Ts will do this. You can also tell your T that you would like to talk to her about something, but you're worried about having a panic attack. Ask her how she could help you cope if you did have a panic attack. And you could always ask for a break if you need one.

My T has me do deep breathing, she helps by trying to engage me in a different topic, she took me to here window and had me be mindful of everything outside, and she touches me (though I know you mentioned that wouldn't be a good thing for you). I think my T would be willing to walk with me outside. She made a comment about it once.

Originally Posted by just_a_name

One more thing that is stopping me from opening up is the thought that maybe I am over-reacting and maybe the situation wasn't as bad as I think...

I read your other post. You are not overreacting.

[just_a_name]

Well... Today I found a courage and told my mom about this. I just could not stand this overwhelming feeling of panic, shame and thoughts of SH. She was sad that I did not tell her about this earlier (we did not have a good mother-daughter bond at the time which is why I did not tell her) but also very supportive. She also said that what that dude did was an attempted rape. She told me to find a courgae again when I will be seeing my T. I feel a little bit relieved now although I know there is a long road for recovery ahead of me.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you were able to tell your mom, and that she was supportive! That's SO awesome!!
I hope you will be able to tell your T also. It may take a few false-starts (it did for me), but hopefully you can reach that point.
Another thing I thought of that had helped me in the past: I left a message for T on her voicemail saying I needed her help in talking about something really important next session. I told her it was really difficult to talk about, but that I didn't want her to "let me chicken out" over it. I vaguely mentioned what it was about, and asked that she push the topic. It was really helpful to have her know that I would be nervous talking about it, but that I wanted her to keep on the issue. When I panicked in session, she reminded me that it was ok to feel nervous about it, and that she would help me talk about it, but that I had asked her not to let me back out. Just hearing again from her that it was ok to talk about, and having her know that it was something I needed her to keep on me about made it easier to talk. Dunno if something like that would help, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
Good luck next session.

[ladytiger]

I came to the realization of sexual abuse now which I kept it in the back of my head for so long. I told my bf more in depth info that I never shared with him 9 yrs ago, told him having a pedophile for a "dad" and a mom who has some kind of incestrous thoughts or whatever just as stupid! My new gyno told me to find a sexual therapist to speak with as I did therapy not too long ago which left me bitter because of how I was treated. The ex-therapist is a complete fool with a Masters degree knows nothing about life only what she was spoon fed.

Their rates are too much for me trying to find other options. i was told to talk to a hotline which I have done in high school they were great but the aftermath was horrible. i was seeing if the women's center offered a support group which they do but i can't do it because i work nights.

[just_a_name]

So today I had a meeting with my T. It was very hard for me to speak today but eventually I blurted out "Some guy tried to rape me couple years ago". After that there was a lot of silence. She did not want to push me. Then she asked how am I feeling right now, so I told her I am starting to have a panic attack and she helped me overcome it. We talked how this situation affects my life and me. We did not go to any details. She just asked couple simple questions (where did it happen, if there was an intercourse etc.) but when she noticed that I am not ready to go deep into that topic she dropped it and told me that we'll go back to it when I am ready and that she doesn't necessairly need to know ALL the details to help me.

She also gave me a homework: I have to find 5 positive things about myself. It will be difficult...

Unfortunatelly I did not have a courage to tell her that I started to SH again. There was not enough time. She also told me that I should be on meds and encouraged me to go to psychiatrist as it will help me go through the therapy and also because my panic attacks are very intense.

It was very difficult session and left me extremely physically exhaused.

I'm glad you told her. Have you thought about also talking to someone who deals specifically with sexual assault?

[just_a_name]

I think I do not want to have two seprate Ts. It took me a long time to open up to her so going to another one T will just make me to stressed. Besides she is also a sexuologist so I think (or should I say hope) she has an understanding of the problems I am struggling with.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you were able to tell her, and that the session went okdespite being exhausting. Hopefully opening up about this can help keep you moving forward.

[Knittingismytherapy]

Just a Name, you've done a great job telling about what happened. I recently disclosed CSA to my T, I know how hard it is. Nobody expects you to be able to discuss details immediately, but a lot of work can be done from where you are at.

Be kind to yourself!! Take care of yourself, and the exhaustion (which is totally understandable), try to talk to your T about the SH at your next session, and really really consider her recommendation of the meds. It might help get over the hump, so to speak.