[Willowleaf]

So I regularly read this board and occasionally post, but at the moment it strikes me how futile it all is. We all struggle, we try and get help from t, problems are remarkably similar even though when we're in them it feels so unique. Can anyone really say there's a way out of this? Sometimes I don't think it matters how hard I try I can make small changes, but I can't change my life in the way I want, no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's too late after a certain point in your life? What are your opinions?

I agree that it's futile. It's also very sad to come to that realization.

It's not futile. And it's not too late. When I'm depressed, though, everything seems that way. I don't take this forum to be representative of anything other than a handful of people with certain issues and another handful with other issues.

[archipelago]

I understand this feeling. I have felt it before about myself and now feel it at times with people where I work. And I often find myself expressing it even if I don't completely feel that way so I think I get it.

I'll say upfront that I am not the smiley, optimistic type at all. Given all I've been through that would be just being in denial to pretend that I could overlook all the terrible things. But I do believe in the potential for therapy and personal work. And I believe it can be something that has a transformative effect, not just little changes. The little changes add up, but there are also big moments of breakthrough too.

It doesn't depend on age though I wish that I had started earlier because I do think it is harder or sadder to do it later, but it also makes me work harder and savor the moments and strides forward.

I went in without a particular goal, just symptom management and support at first. As time went by, I started to see areas that I wanted to work on either because something was tangled or because I wanted to strengthen something.

I admit a lot of times it is slow and seems like it isn't worth the work, but in the end I realize how much I was able to do. And when I look over even the span of a few years I see a different person in many ares of my life. That is just cool and feels great. I can't say it is futile even if at the ground level on the day to day process it may sometimes feel that way.

[stopdog]

In a bigger picture sort of way, I think most things are futile. You are born, you mark time, then you die. Therapy is not going to fix or change the past and may not help with the present or future - but it does fill the time and sometimes doing that enough can give one the space to shift around. Can a shift take place without therapy? Of course. Therapy is just one thing among many - it is not magic. I don't think anything (therapy, meditation, extreme sports etc) can make it so one does not have memory or pain. - so if that is the goal it is not particularly probable. One might find the space in one's self to change the goal. Therapy could possibly help with that as well as could any number of other things one might engage in.

[archipelago]

I recently read a line from a poem that went "Give up all hope of having a better past." I think this is where people can get stuck underneath it all. There is that fundamental "why?" question, why did this happen? why to me?

Trying to let go of that is something that I've actively done because stop dog is right, we cannot just erase these things. In that sense it is futile. But the overall work can lead elsewhere so I don't believe that we give up when we accept that about our pasts.

It is absolutely not futile. After many years of suffering and hospitalizations and therapy and therapy and therapy, I finally made it through to the other side about the age of 49. I am more content, more stable, and happier than I've ever been in my life and look forward to what is to come.

'I can't change my life the way I want'.
No, but sometimes the change pops it's head up in a different way to the way we imagined.
Therapy is about building inner resilience to withstand the bits of our life we wished were different.

[Willowleaf]

Thanks for all your answers. I think stop dog was right when she said you are born, mark time and then die. I am not looking for therapy to have a magic wand ( ok I admit in the early days I hoped it might!) I have also tried a host of other things, but I am beginning to think it is futile to think I can undo the effects my childhood had on me.
I love the line 'give up all hope of a better past' I was talking about this very thing recently and when I talked about giving up hope it was suggested that the hope I had been holding on to was actually connected with the past not the future.
Lolagrace lickerysplit and archipelago I was really pleased to hear that you felt that for you things had changed but at the present time I relate more to simmering and agree the realisation is horrible.
I don't know what I wanted from this post, reading the fact that other people felt the same felt terrible that this was universal, but then reading that others felt different just made me feel sad that it didn't relate to me. I don't think I am depressed, but I do think these feelings are of that nature. I feel increasingly hopeless about the present and future. I have talked to my t about this, but neither she or anyone else can convince me otherwise at the moment. I find it interesting that I have read other people's posts like this and then later the same week even read posts where it was clear that they were feeling differently. But when I am in this place myself I just feel I have failed at life and no one understands that I'm different, I can't be helped. Sad isn't it when so many of you have clearly felt the same at various times. Thanks for making time to read and answer this

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

...but I can't change my life in the way I want, no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's too late after a certain point in your life? What are your opinions?

I disagree, because i have noticed that i do feel differently about my life, that certain things about it have changed - maybe not hugely obvious to the naked eye, but the little things eventually do add up. Throw a couple of big things in there too, and poof you are on your way. My t often asks, how can he help. Partly, he is just a good role model for change in later years.

[Restin]

Well, I will be a total escapist and admit that therapy is my joy in life, not a means to an end. If this therapy I'm enjoying now cures me, so much the better. If it doesn't, I will go to the next one. I know that's totally deplorable, irresponsible, manipulative, and selfish. I had a serious mental illness and suffered terribly, and I'm a lot better now. I agree with StopDog somewhat about life being mostly frustrating, though I do have religious beliefs that rescue me from total despair. But it's only with a therapist that I ever get to talk about myself or anything, in any depth at all. I certainly haven't gotten to the stage where giving to others in my community is just as good as talking about my self! Maybe someday, but not now. I refuse to feel guilty if I stay in therapy the rest of my life, if that's all that gives meaning to it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't find it futile. In one year, I accomplished more than I did the 6 years prior. Maybe they're not huge accomplishments to most people, but they are to me. My life hasn't gotten any easier, but surviving has gotten easier.

I also don't believe you can fix anything with life. But I do believe you have choices, you can change, and can cope better. The goal is to be better than where you're at now...not fixed.

[precaryous]

My T helps organize my chaos and rides this ride with me.

[growlycat]

It seemed futile in the beginning. Too many problems not caught early enough.

But over time those small changes add up to huge shifts. Hindsight is 20/20.

It is futile.

That doesn't mean therapy is pointless, however. It helps me survive and be a less frustrating person to those around me.