Attachment styles with you and your therapist

I was one whose score indicates secure attachment (I've always gotten that result on these tests). It isn't surprising for me as I grew up in a very intact, loving, tight-knit family and always felt that security and safety in relationships. The one thing I've never stressed over in my life has been my relationships with others.

That security, for me, has been the bedrock of my ability to survive the horrible abuse I experienced at the hands of non-family. I've been able to fairly easily trust in the help and support of those who are there for me and lean on them in time of need. Despite what I've been through, ultimately that security in relationships has been my salvation.

To clear up something, I didn't mean that you take the test with your therapist in mind as the person you are in a relationship with though that is an interesting idea. I don't particularly like this form of the test because not all have the kind of relationship that is assumed and romantic attachment differs to a degree from overall attachment, but it is used as an easy way into the topic.

I see that many got avoidant. I can relate. This was probably my initial attachment style. Therapy has changed it to secure now, but when I'm upset I go back to insecure styles, not necessarily avoidant though. I think with my therapist when we have a fight or something is wrong I become more anxious.

I guess I believe that not only can we change, but we are also capable of having more than one attachment style, depending on the situation and relationship. Attachment doesn't just form in infancy and stop there. It is a life long need that is modified along the way. Apparently our attachment systems fire more quickly than the fight or flight mechanisms so we search for security right away. Perhaps taking the test thinking about what you are like during a state where you are upset might be another way to see how you act in that situation.

I think some of my discrepancy comes from the way I think of some of the words used To assess anxiety. I don't "worry" that someone will leave, I expect it because I think of myself as very difficult to live with. I would be crushed if my wife chose someone else, but I wouldn't say I worry about it. It is what it is. I busted my butt trying to make a prior relationship work, but nothing I did changed the ending. I think experiences like that have given me a more resigned attitude. I'll work to change things and try to make relationships thrive, but if they don't, they don't. Maybe it's growth, but I no longer run after people who choose to run from me. We all have circumstances in our lives that prompt our actions...

With my t however, I do have a lot of anxiety and worry around losing that relationship. In the past 6 months, I've had 2 therapists leave suddenly and unexpectedly. With this t, I keep reminding myself I only have 4 months. After that, I have to move on. I know they only do brief therapy, so it will definitely end...

Preoccupied. No surprise.

I took it with the idea in mind of, who would i let into my life at this point? And picturing people who i know liked me in the past - how would they have treated me, if i could have appreciated what they were offering. That came out secure. Instead of trying to relive my horrible past with my parents, which is how i took the test previously, answering for actual ex-hs, and not coming out secure. Probably anxious avoidant or dismissive, the old score is on pc somewhere.

But i feel pretty confident in my ability to protect myself from falling into a bad relationship now. I dont feel so vulnerable, or desperate for attention. Ive gotten that from t, and from you guys

Eta - and from david wallin. Archi, please tell him thanks for me and that we love his book on here and promote it often!

I forget if it was Mullen or Waller who got all pissy in a book and related he was upset because a potential client came in and asked questions and he felt interviewed him before hiring him. The woman had a lot of questions. My response was a client IS interviewing a therapist they are hiring for a job. I hate these guys when I read their books.

Dismissing.

I'm pretty sure my T would agree on that. He's always telling me to be open, that I need other people :P I'm like, "Yo, I got this." And I'll say that right up until the point I fall completely apart.

I have to agree with you on this. I can't imagine taking this with a T- I personally don't want want that kind of disclosure- it would be TMI for me. I also don't think a T's attachment to clients is always indicative of their attachment style in ther personal life, though that probably depend on the T. Perhaps a T who has an insecure attachment style to the extreme would show more dysfunction in any relationship regardless of the context.

I did read an article once about a therapist's attachment style and how it could help or hurt their interaction with the client depending upon the client's attachment style

But that's simply the same as saying that it is usually considered important that the personalities of the T and the client allow for a decent match.

I merely offered it as an indication that if one searches one can find articles which discuss the attachment style of the therapist as well as attachment styles directed to clients. I made no claim in my post as to the value one might find in such an article.

I so wish I could get a book by David Wallin!!!!But have you seen the prices on scholarly therapy books on the web? No way can I fork out $60 or $80 for a book of any kind. Kindle is no better. Not fair!

Secure, with anxiety and avoidance both below 2.

Did it first thinking of my spouse and got a secure/mid-scale-anxiety result. When I did it thinking of my therapist it's around 4.6 on both scales, placing me in the fearful-avoidant area (though not deep in it).

Low anxiety-secure
Ok test, not too sure about the validity and reliability though.

For the book, try Abe Books, which has scholarly books used and is cheaper. Wallin is interesting; I am interested in the mindfulness and metallization ideas, which the workshop is also going to go into.

As far as the therapist revealing an attachment style, this conference is all about the therapist's attachment style, not the client's. It is called "We are the Tools of Our Trade," so attachment style is part of how a therapist works, especially closely with others. And we will cover how there may be layers or modes of occupying each of the different attachment styles depending on the client and situation. The idea behind some of this is that clashes often do boil down to differences in attachment. Or rather that differences in attachment (or too close similarities) can get in the way and we need to be aware of this potential.

I personally don't see a problem with disclosing a general sense of attachment style in the therapist client relationship. It seems to be important information. I will be able to figure it out anyway. It will be in the room just like other things about the therapist. So I'm not exactly sure why a therapist should not say something about it.

My therapist told me his but I had already figured it out. We are both secure from an avoidant insecure background. We have very different personal styles and different life trajectories, histories, etc, but we do overlap in this area. It told me that he can understand that if I do fall back on avoidant and pull away or seem to be functioning without asking for anything that he is careful to not miss that because he understands at a gut level how people are who have an avoidant background. He probably understands the other styles too, but this one he knows because he lived it. Since I know that, I know that I don't even bother to try to retreat back to being avoidant. In other words, and I'm not really putting it that well, but it has helped in understanding and also in action.

i see my therapist as a mother figure. i can't help it; i have attachment issues and bpd features from CSA so i kind of need that.

Omg. This is starting to make sense to me now. I have been in therapy for 40 freakin years, but the first 30 years were with regular people ie people with relatively secure attachment. Current t's situation was not so simple - lets say it was secure with interruptions. This was something he pretty much literally advertised and why i chose to see him - i wanted him to tell me how, with such an unhappy background, he could be happy today. Happy in all senses of the word - working, loving, healthy, blah blah blah.