I have quit my T. Which was a very hard thing to do. I'm now reflecting on a few things. My T loved to analyse - but not my feelings. I often felt that she ignored the things I said about my feelings. One time I told her I had had suicidal thoughts at the age of 18, this is the first time I'd ever told anyone this, she didn't say anything at all. A couple of times I had a really severe emotional response after my session with her and felt like I was back as a toddler experiencing a trauma, I'd curl up and sob, she never really said anything about this when I told her. The last session I told her I was perhaps angry with her about something from 2 months previously. It was hard for me to say this, I dreaded what she might say, she didn't say anything at all, just talked about something else. Sometimes I cried when I was with her, she never commented on that at all. I don't know how a T might respond to feelings, I somehow felt that it would be helpful to talk about these things, especially the the curling up and sobbing. The only thing she said about that was that it is good to feel the sad feelings. I think I somehow wanted to explore what these feelings meant and how they might relate to my current feelings. Any thoughts?

[SoupDragon]

Hello Brown Owl, I am sorry that your T failed to validate these things with you. I actually find it really hard to share feelings with my T, but know when I do my T acknowledges them in a helpful way.

I wonder what background your T had? Where they a psychotherapist, counsellor, CBT practitioner?

I hope you can find someone else who will acknowledge these things with you.

Soup

I'm really sorry to hear that, especially as I recall you mostly had a good relationship with your T. I think different Ts with different styles will naturally react differently when faced with those kinds of emotions. I too wouldn't find it particularly useful to hear that it is 'good' to feel the sad feelings. What is her modality? Do you feel you were getting enough positives from therapy that this rupture is resolvable or do you think it is definitely time to search for a new T?

" I think I somehow wanted to explore what these feelings meant and how they might relate to my current feelings."

Did you express this? If so what response did you get?

My T was a psychotherapist, and I think a psychoanalytical one. No I don't think my relationship with my T would be beneficial to continue with. I mentioned that she ignored it when I said I thought perhaps I was angry, really I felt that much of what I said was kind of ignored and we focused on her thoughts, her way of looking at my life. I actually did like her saying that it was good to feel the sad feelings - it made sense to me as I have shut out all feelings for years, that to feel the bad feelings was better than shutting them out.

Soup Dragon, can I ask how your T acknowledges your feelings?

[nervous puppy]

Sorry about your experience with your T, Brown Owl. It sounds frustrating to me.
Both my ex-T and new T will try to help me figure out where my feelings are coming from. If I was crying, they let me cry for a few minutes, then try to get me to talk about why I'm crying. If I wasn't understanding why "this" feeling was so "strong", I would get a series of questions that would draw the answer out of me. It was like they already knew the answer and knew the questions to ask. I guess a lot like a teacher trying to get students to come up the answers themselves.

[archipelago]

I am really sorry you had this experience, and on many different levels and times. It pains me to read. This is the problem with approaches that are either neutral or hyper professional or whatever is the rationale for not being human in the relationship.

I also do psychoanalytic therapy and study it. This form that advocates neutrality has become almost obsolete nowadays. No one believes that being neutral and non-responsive is beneficial. The movement is toward the opposite--to be very actively engaged, empathic, even self-disclosing. You would be better off with someone else. Perhaps when looking ask about their approach or questions that relate to how they work with the relationship. It is clear that you would work better with a more active therapist who was involved and responsive. They are out there. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

Originally Posted by archipelago

I am really sorry you had this experience, and on many different levels and times. It pains me to read. This is the problem with approaches that are either neutral or hyper professional or whatever is the rationale for not being human in the relationship.

I also do psychoanalytic therapy and study it. This form that advocates neutrality has become almost obsolete nowadays. No one believes that being neutral and non-responsive is beneficial. The movement is toward the opposite--to be very actively engaged, empathic, even self-disclosing. You would be better off with someone else. Perhaps when looking ask about their approach or questions that relate to how they work with the relationship. It is clear that you would work better with a more active therapist who was involved and responsive. They are out there. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

It has never occurred to me that she was actively choosing to be neutral about my emotions. I did talk to her once about the fact that she didn't respond to my feelings, but she never said that this was intentional. If she had been explicit about it I think I might have accepted it. To me it feels like part of a bigger issue in that when I spoke to her she didn't probe to understand what I meant, she plunged straight in with a response or an analysis and I often felt really misunderstood as I had not had the chance to explain where I was coming from or what I was really trying to say. I discussed this with her, but I don't think she really listened and comprehended.

[archipelago]

Old school psychoanalytically informed therapy advocates the use of both neutrality and interpretation. This is how people were trained. And even your description of how she used interpretation seems to conform to this model. While people still do practice that way (and I had a therapist who did), there are tons of revisions and people saying that these things are actually harmful to many clients and do not promote change. Being non-responsive and trying to analyze to promote insight does nothing to promote change. That is simply not what works for most people.

Besides it feels bad as you have very clearly articulated.

When I had a therapist like this, I just felt dropped all the time and then bruised. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feeling better. I sensed something was wrong but then I would say to myself, he knows what he is doing and does care so....

I found another therapist practicing much more contemporary analytic therapy and it was a world apart. He is empathic, active, responsive, does not jump to conclusions or dwell on his views of what he has interpreted about me. If he does offer his view, it is often because I have opened the door for that and in any case he is humble and provisional about it. He also makes it clear that understanding at that level doesn't really affect how I'm processing things so it may be helpful just as an overview but nothing more.

I have made so much more progress much more quickly than before. It really can happen. It just takes the right match for you.

I have had those disengaged types who sit there and act as though I'm reading them a lunch menu, and they are just awful. The one I see now is not syrupy and phoney, but she is very human and responds like a normal person, only with the ability to ask for clarifications as I plow through. When I cry or sob, I just keep talking and answering questions, so there aren't any silences.

Thankfully, she doesn't make trite statements like, I'm so honored that you told me, or You're brave for saying that. I have gotten upset with her for something--really upset, but not angry/yelling, just more hurt--and she was genuinely sorry, tried to remedy the situation, and when I wanted to move on she asked if I felt okay enough with the other topic to do that. So much better than those other nitwits who just sit there.

You were smart to leave that therapist. I hope you find a better one. They are out there. God knows where. But they are.

Thanks Archipelago, you said you felt bruised, I felt that too. And you say your current T ' does not dwell on his views of what he has interpreted about me'. I felt that my T really did dwell on her views, I felt like we spent too much time discussing her views, which didn't always make sense to me, what I really wanted/ want to do is talk more myself about my thoughts and feelings and experiences and be understood.

Lickety that sounds great that your T was genuinely sorry when you were hurt. I was really upset at times at some things my T said, but she never connected my feelings to the way she spoke to me or the words she said. I don't know if I should have expected her to be sorry, but I did expect this.

I saw this T for 9 months, despite all I'm saying I think parts of it really really helped me. I feel less sad, I've made little changes in my life. I'm less tense than I was. I'm planning on finding a new T and am worried that I won't find it so helpful. When I started therapy I thought that there is one thing that I could never talk about. Now I feel that I could talk about it one day, maybe to my next T, this is a huge leap forward that the shame about this is not so overwhelming.

[Petra5ed]

When I get emotional my therapist will look empathetic, almost like he is trying to imagine what I'm feeling and feel it at the same time. He might ask what I'm feeling, or lately he'll say a couple things to acknowledge he sees I'm sad like "it's a lot to feel." He'll move closer to me, sometimes grabbing tissues that are right by me, or a couple times sitting next to me and hugging me. He'll give me space to be sad for a bit, so sometimes it gets a bit quiet but it's never felt like he was ignoring my feelings, more like a hyper focus on them.

[stopdog]

I don't think the woman does respond at all. She cannot seem to tell when I am having one -not even when I tell her.

[Ad Intra]

It was probably best that you left your T if you didn't feel validated. I do hope you're able to find one who can met your needs in a way you like.
My old-T would validate my feelings. A lot of time it was simple like, "That most have been terrible to live through". Other times she would make an 'awww...' sound when I would talk about my feelings and hardships. Above all, I knew she was coming from a place of sympathy.

Do you think there is any chance of my T adapting to how I wish my therapy was? It's not really the emotions that are the issue - it is the fact of her not probing me to understand the things I say and not giving me more space to talk, not sitting with how things look to me for a while before she gives her thoughts, it's the fact of her thoughts being so dominant in there I feel overpowered. I have tried to ask for this, I don't know how well I expressed it. Her response was to suggest that I don't want to do therapy that I just want to talk as friends. This pissed me off somewhat. Despite my denial she continued to suggest this, at my final appointment she repeated this, saying I had a problem with being a client and then said 'you are my patient'. It was only after woods I thought how peculiar this was and felt a bit angry. She also suggested that I don't have faith in psychotherapy because my mother doesn't. This pissed me off too as I have huge faith in therapy.

I suppose there really is no chance of her adapting. Even now I think shall I go to see her one more time to try? But having written this it has reminded me why I decided this is not therapeutic anymore. Quitting is so so hard. I don't really want to quit. I have an appointment with a new T on Wednesday. She sounded nice on the phone.

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

It was probably best that you left your T if you didn't feel validated. I do hope you're able to find one who can met your needs in a way you like.
My old-T would validate my feelings. A lot of time it was simple like, "That most have been terrible to live through". Other times she would make an 'awww...' sound when I would talk about my feelings and hardships. Above all, I knew she was coming from a place of sympathy.

That sounds good, she sounds like an empathic T.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Do you think there is any chance of my T adapting to how I wish my therapy was? It's not really the emotions that are the issue - it is the fact of her not probing me to understand the things I say and not giving me more space to talk, not sitting with how things look to me for a while before she gives her thoughts, it's the fact of her thoughts being so dominant in there I feel overpowered. I have tried to ask for this, I don't know how well I expressed it. Her response was to suggest that I don't want to do therapy that I just want to talk as friends. This pissed me off somewhat. Despite my denial she continued to suggest this, at my final appointment she repeated this, saying I had a problem with being a client and then said 'you are my patient'. It was only after woods I thought how peculiar this was and felt a bit angry. She also suggested that I don't have faith in psychotherapy because my mother doesn't. This pissed me off too as I have huge faith in therapy.

I suppose there really is no chance of her adapting. Even now I think shall I go to see her one more time to try? But having written this it has reminded me why I decided this is not therapeutic anymore. Quitting is so so hard. I don't really want to quit. I have an appointment with a new T on Wednesday. She sounded nice on the phone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound to me as if your old T is the right one for you. I would not do very well with a T who didn't give me space, and who pushed her opinions on me... to be honest, that's much more like "talking with friends" than my experience of therapy, which involves a patient T who validates my emotions, is not afraid of long silences, and is super respectful when he tells me his opinion.

But I understand that it is hard to quit. You have invested a lot in this therapist. I am very glad that you are meeting with another T, and I really hope she'll be a good match for you.

[archipelago]

When I left the therapist I described as being neutral and interpretive, it was so hard. I knew he really cared. I had worked so closely for so long and had made progress, but I also knew that we had stopped being productive together. I felt like a part of me was torn away.

But the new therapist really made up for that and rather quickly. And now I wish I had left a lot earlier.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Do you think there is any chance of my T adapting to how I wish my therapy was? It's not really the emotions that are the issue - it is the fact of her not probing me to understand the things I say and not giving me more space to talk, not sitting with how things look to me for a while before she gives her thoughts, it's the fact of her thoughts being so dominant in there I feel overpowered. I have tried to ask for this, I don't know how well I expressed it. Her response was to suggest that I don't want to do therapy that I just want to talk as friends. This pissed me off somewhat. Despite my denial she continued to suggest this, at my final appointment she repeated this, saying I had a problem with being a client and then said 'you are my patient'. It was only after woods I thought how peculiar this was and felt a bit angry. She also suggested that I don't have faith in psychotherapy because my mother doesn't. This pissed me off too as I have huge faith in therapy.

I suppose there really is no chance of her adapting. Even now I think shall I go to see her one more time to try? But having written this it has reminded me why I decided this is not therapeutic anymore. Quitting is so so hard. I don't really want to quit. I have an appointment with a new T on Wednesday. She sounded nice on the phone.

From your description, I would say there's no chance of her adapting one bit. She sounds shaming, almost. My previous therapist discouraged my talking by saying things like, "Oh well," and "It's just story." I felt shut down, but didn't feel I had enough energy to leave. Fortunately, she left by moving away. The one I have now is nothing at all like that. I shiver to think I stayed with that one as long as I did.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Do you think there is any chance of my T adapting to how I wish my therapy was? It's not really the emotions that are the issue - it is the fact of her not probing me to understand the things I say and not giving me more space to talk, not sitting with how things look to me for a while before she gives her thoughts, it's the fact of her thoughts being so dominant in there I feel overpowered. I have tried to ask for this, I don't know how well I expressed it. Her response was to suggest that I don't want to do therapy that I just want to talk as friends. This pissed me off somewhat. Despite my denial she continued to suggest this, at my final appointment she repeated this, saying I had a problem with being a client and then said 'you are my patient'. It was only after woods I thought how peculiar this was and felt a bit angry. She also suggested that I don't have faith in psychotherapy because my mother doesn't. This pissed me off too as I have huge faith in therapy.

I suppose there really is no chance of her adapting. Even now I think shall I go to see her one more time to try? But having written this it has reminded me why I decided this is not therapeutic anymore. Quitting is so so hard. I don't really want to quit. I have an appointment with a new T on Wednesday. She sounded nice on the phone.

I'm not sure without knowing her, but it could be that she misunderstood you. My therapist has asked if he could change things to make therapy better for me, so I would imagine they should open to suggestion to some degree. My thought would be, maybe put it in a letter. Write out how you feel and revise and revise until you've said everything but laid it all out there in a non-accusatory, non-mean way, as rational as possible way. If you just lay out the facts for her, and send it to her, and then she still misunderstands it's on her and I would move on.

Sometimes I think I say something to my therapist but I really don't, so I trust writing more, it's black and white. Maybe with my past issues I've just been so terrified to speak my mind I'm not great at it now. I'll hint at something and it goes right over his head. I'm not saying that's what happened, but it's possible, and also possible she totally misheard you. I don't see why a therapist wouldn't want to pause and let you sit in the moment with your feelings, especially since she even said herself she thinks it's good for you to be feeling them.

Thanks for all your helpful comments and sharing your stories.