[ThingWithFeathers]

Today was the first time I've experienced so much doubt and uncertainty around my relationship with my t. It happened all of a sudden and it's a horrible feeling.This feeling hit me suddenly in today. I started thinking and feeling as though my t is totally and utterly sick and tired of seeing me. I just feel awful and alone and like she doesn't care any more. I shouldn't, because I've got no particular reason to feel this way, it's just a strong overpowering sense I have.

Idk if my thoughts are distorted or if there's something happening that I need to pay attention to (eg my t has been away for 3 weeks, is it that the the connection needs to be built back up again? was I holding too much back in session so now I feel disconnected? etc.).

It's just that I felt so close to my t before - I felt connected, understood, cared about. And now, for no reason I can see, that feeling of closeness has given way to a feeling of extreme fear and insecurity around the relationship.

Has anyone else ever had a sudden change in perspective around their relationship with their t? Support and advice welcome xx

[Soccer mom]

Yes. Mine can shift from one session to the next. It's really hard because I feel like I won't feel better until I see her again and see if things are ok. She reminded me that she doesn't change, she's not my mother (negative stuff I'm projecting), etc.

I would talk to her about it. Mine has gotten better but I still feel insecure about it all. If I feel connected to her during a session, then I will probably have a good week. If I don't feel connected or she makes a statement that hits me wrong, I worry that she doesn't like me anymore or thinks differently of me.

Hang in there. I'm sure on her end nothing has changed. Deep down you probably had an expectation of how the session would go and it turned out differently.

Are you able to make eye contact with her? At the end of my session last week I told my T. I didn't feel good about leaving (usually a sign I'll lose it the next day). She asked why and the only thing I could think is that I didn't feel connected (meaning soaking in eye contact). So, she just sat there and locked eyes with me. It helped. I realized later that most of the session I had looked everywhere except her (happens if I talk a lot). So, now I realize I need to make more eye contact to feel it.

[divine1966]

I told my T that sometimes sharing deep fears makes me so anxious that id rather do small talk but then it is a waste of my time and money. And then I said that I am afraid she will judge me if I share deep fears.

My T said it is NORMAL to feel the way I feel. There is nothing unusual about anything I feel. That put my mind at ease.

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[SnakeCharmer]

The fact the feelings hit you out of nowhere, with no evidence to back them up except the feelings themselves would seem to indicate the feelings, thoughts and beliefs about this are coming from your own insecurities, rather than anything about her actions toward you.

In the last few months, many Ts took extended breaks. I've noticed in the forum since around Thanksgiving (the end of Nov in the USA) a goodly number of posters felt rejected, betrayed, enraged, despairing, anxious, abandoned, longing for, done with, eff you, I need you, I know you don't like me, you're sick of me, go away, please come back ... all that kind of stuff with some of it cycling in the same poster, changing as the days passed ... because the Ts had taken some extended breaks.

It's a symptoms of .. I don't know exactly. But it seems to happen to people with strong attachment issues, maybe it's a borderline trait (and I'm sorry, I don't know if that applies to you at all.)

If you read the thread about people needing to tell their T something but not knowing how -- man oh man oh man! You will see that your feelings were shared by others while their Ts were gone for several weeks.

For some people the connection gets broken without regular reassurance and contact. Some posters say they can't even remember what their T looks like. To me, that's a symptom worth talking about in therapy.

In others -- this is my opinion and I could be wrong -- it's possible that the feelings are causes by projection. If I'm angry at my T, I might think my T's angry at me although there's no evidence of that. That's classic projection -- unconsciously attributing my own emotions to another person while not recognizing it's what I'm feeling about them.

If my T's away on holiday or family leave or for some other reason for a long time, I might begin to feel sick and tired of them being gone. If I know they're legitimately away and that I'd be a selfish schmuck for resenting them taking care of their own needs, well ... I might turn that around and start suddenly feeling that they're sick and tired of me and all my neediness. It just might feel too embarrassing or painful to admit I have selfish, schmuckish feeling (but we all do at times!)

That's classic projection. An unconscious defense mechanism. As bad as the projected emotions feel to us, it might feel worse to consciously admit our true feelings.

All this is worth working out in therapy. I used to project a lot of my negative emotions onto others because if I was open about any unpleasant feelings as a child, I'd be severely punished in painful ways. So I started projecting it outward onto others. It got the emotions out and even if it felt terrible, it didn't feel as terrible as negative emotion + external punishment.

Therapy works wonders on that stuff if we're willing to face the embarrassment of talking about it with T -- saying something like I felt like you were sick of me and I wanted to throw up, but I think I was feeling sick of you and what you're doing. Yikes.

T took it in stride. It was nowhere near as hard as I believed it would be to deal with. I wish you the best and hope your T is back soon.

[Bipolarchic14]

That happens to me too. Sometimes I feel connected and other times I feel as though she is sick of me too. Idk what is up with the inconsistency. I think it could be that therapists have not so perfect lives too. So when they feel disconnected it may in fact have nothing to do with their patients, just something going on in their own life.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Yes. Mine can shift from one session to the next. It's really hard because I feel like I won't feel better until I see her again and see if things are ok.

Yes, I feel like I have to see her or contact her to smooth things over and make sure she is okay with me. It's an awful feeling. Obsessive almost. It won't let up. It just preys on my mind constantly. And all I can do is wait until next week. It's not like I'm going to email her about this. Just sit with it and wait it out.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

The fact the feelings hit you out of nowhere, with no evidence to back them up except the feelings themselves would seem to indicate the feelings, thoughts and beliefs about this are coming from your own insecurities, rather than anything about her actions toward you.

It's a symptoms of .. I don't know exactly. But it seems to happen to people with strong attachment issues, maybe it's a borderline trait (and I'm sorry, I don't know if that applies to you at all.).

I have complex ptsd, so yeah, I guess borderline traits are evident. I think it is me too, not her. It's just such a powerful feeling of inadequacy and fear of disapproval. Thanks for your extended reply, it makes sense on an intellectual level. It's just hard to feel so pathetic.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I have complex ptsd, so yeah, I guess borderline traits are evident. I think it is me too, not her. It's just such a powerful feeling of inadequacy and fear of disapproval. Thanks for your extended reply, it makes sense on an intellectual level. It's just hard to feel so pathetic.

I sometimes feel my t judges me and I told her that and she ensured me that absolutely not. It comes from my own need for approval

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[growlycat]

I have felt shifts too. My CBT T has told me to remember it may have nothing to do with me--maybe he got a traffic ticket that morning or something. If you can voice the change you are noticing sometimes T will clarify what is going on.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I have felt shifts too. My CBT T has told me to remember it may have nothing to do with me--maybe he got a traffic ticket that morning or something. If you can voice the change you are noticing sometimes T will clarify what is going on.

I'm not sure I'll be able to voice it to her, but will certainly think it over. Thanks.