[PaulaS]

I saw a potential T last week and got a pretty good impression of her. A couple of days later I wrote her an e-mail where I told her the things I´d thought of as positive during the meeting. Just on four or five rows in the e-mail. I also just stated that I´d been abandoned by my former T but that it hadn´t to do with any kind of crossing boundaries within therapy.

Last I asked her about a meeting in this week to come, another evaluation session.

She replied but mentioned absolutely nothing about the things I wrote to her. I now mean something like "I´ve read your text, lets talk about it more in the next session" or "Your previous therapy doesn´t affect me, let´s schedule a meeting on that date and time". She just asked me about a certain appointment time and then signed with her name.

I mean, if you receive an e-mail in any other situation from a person you don´t know that well and you´re about to meet and by that, you don´t discuss things further in an e-mail but when you actually meet you still comment on it! Saying "we´ll talk further at the meeting" or something just to confirm you´ve read the text and that your´re at least somewhat interested in what the other person have to say.

It´s just crap that many T:s think they have some kind of privilege to act in an impersonal way and in ways "normal" people wouldn´t. In this case there is no reason at all for her to not comment on the things I wrote in that short manner I described earlier in this post.

I think it just shows that she´s trying to make me uninterested of showing up but of course she can´t suddenly say "I have no free appointment times" from one week to another. And she can´t ignore answering my e-mail either.

I felt she was a bit hesitant about the fee I said I was able to pay her when I saw her at the first evaluation session, she didn´t say no to it but she didn´t seem convinced that fee was enough or acceptable.

She was one of those T:s I saw as possible to start therapy with, now I´m no longer sure about it. I interpret her answer as not being that interested, that she doesn´t bother if I´ll contact her again or not.

[pbutton]

She wrote back with a response to the question that you asked. If the other parts of the emails were statements and not questions, she likely viewed that part as information you were providing to her.

I would take it as encouraging news that she is interested in meeting with you too.

[clairelisbeth]

I've read your other threads, and I'm wondering what you're trying to avoid by being so picky? No T is going to say the exact right, perfect thing all the time. If you count every T who doesn't give the precise response you're looking for out, I don't know if you'll ever find a T.....

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Lots of mind reading going on there. Just make another appointment and actually follow through with one more session without overinterpreting what she didn't say into something you have decided she is thinking and meaning. You keep finding reasons to run. How about finding a reason to follow through: "I saw a potential T last week and got a pretty good impression of her." Start there, and wait for actual one on one interaction IN session before you judge her for everything she hasn't even said or done.

[ThisWayOut]

perhaps you need to take a break from the thought of going back to therapy right now. As stated above, you keep avoiding finding a new T by picking out anything and everything that might be wrong. It's ok if you are not ready to start this again just now. It's ok to take a break and work on finding a T again after you have had a chance to balance after losing last T.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I have to say, it does seem like you are shooting yourself in the foot with all these worries...you are assuming off the bat that all the responses have some kind of negative drive behind them. If I was viewing the world through that lens, I would be exhausted and could not be bothered trying to find a new therapist. What pushes you to keep searching even though they are all not good enough in their replies? I am curious.

I think you need to give somebody a chance, take the leap of faith, accept that sometimes they won't reply in an ideal way to information you venture, but that can still be okay. A dialogue between two people is going to be like that. They are not going to say the things you feel they should say.

What about having a chat with a real-life friend, somebody who knows you well and could help you assess are you sabotaging things before they even get off the ground for some reason that is not quite clear?

[Petra5ed]

Most therapists wouldn't respond to that info in email. They won't do therapy via email.

[stopdog]

I would be extremely put off if a therapist seemed eager to have me return to them for an appointment. But I like them all detached and disinterested - which was harder to find than it might first seem.

[Lauliza]

Actually she absolutely could have come back and told you she was booked or could have chosen not to respond. Instead she answered the question you asked, so I'd see that as a positive thing. Lots of people are short in their emails (an texts too). That has more to do with personality than it does about her being a therapist.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T emails me back ALL the time things like "We'll discuss this on Tuesday". And if you have read any of my posts about my T, she is an extremely caring and supportive T. Emails do not reflect the type of T a person will be.

Try to ignore your fear. Acknowledge it, but don't let it control you. Make an appointment with this T. See how it goes. Post back here with how things went...factual things. You'll get a ton of constructive criticisms and support. Right now, the only thing we can do is encourage you to take the next step and try to relate to your fears.

So try out this T. What's the worst that can happen? You hate her? That's okay. You can always decided not to continue.

[Ididitmyway]

I tend to agree with other responses here. You tend to do the mind reading and to overwhelm yourself with your interpretations.

She responded professionally. Everything you told her in your email, except for the logistical part that had to do with the next appointment, is a your personal material that needs to be discussed in session. If she had started discussing your situation via email correspondence, this would have extended her therapy contact with you outside of the therapy settings, and that's a professional boundary crossing.

If you felt good about the first meeting with her, that's a good enough reason to meet with her again and to discuss your previous therapy with her in person and in session. Then, if you feel that she doesn't get it or doesn't give this issue the attention it deserves, let her know that it's very important for you to process what happened with your previous therapist. And if she dismisses it again, then consider seeing someone else. But unless you get to that point, there is no use to waste energy on imagining that she is not interested in discussing what's important for you to discuss. I really encourage you to see her again and give this a chance to work.

[PaulaS]

I think communication in e-mails is important as well. I wrote an e-mail to her to show my interest in therapy and I think that´s worth some kind of notice. If I choose to run, it´s because I get disappointed with people and most often I can´t forget the disappointment, Then, it´s not worth trying to do so either.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Lots of mind reading going on there. Just make another appointment and actually follow through with one more session without overinterpreting what she didn't say into something you have decided she is thinking and meaning. You keep finding reasons to run. How about finding a reason to follow through: "I saw a potential T last week and got a pretty good impression of her." Start there, and wait for actual one on one interaction IN session before you judge her for everything she hasn't even said or done.

[anilam]

But ppl will disappoint you. No one is perfect, if you can't forgive/forget it / have very high standards... then, I'm afraid, you might lead a very lonely life.

[PaulaS]

The responses don´t have to come with a negative drive but they still show something. I keep searching for a T to be really sure I´ve done what I could to find one. If I search in a thorough manner but still don´t find one, I´ll know I can´t do anything to improve my situation. That´s how my whole life looks like. I try things out, I get disappointed and don´t go there again, why should I?

I´ve answered the e-mail from this potential T now. I used the same unnecessary shortenings of text, using both first name and surname and so on, strictly impersonal and unengaged. I confirmed the appointment time. You now see, I´m already a bit irritated with her, not a good start.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I have to say, it does seem like you are shooting yourself in the foot with all these worries...you are assuming off the bat that all the responses have some kind of negative drive behind them. If I was viewing the world through that lens, I would be exhausted and could not be bothered trying to find a new therapist. What pushes you to keep searching even though they are all not good enough in their replies? I am curious.

I think you need to give somebody a chance, take the leap of faith, accept that sometimes they won't reply in an ideal way to information you venture, but that can still be okay. A dialogue between two people is going to be like that. They are not going to say the things you feel they should say.

What about having a chat with a real-life friend, somebody who knows you well and could help you assess are you sabotaging things before they even get off the ground for some reason that is not quite clear?

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I think communication in e-mails is important as well. I wrote an e-mail to her to show my interest in therapy and I think that´s worth some kind of notice. If I choose to run, it´s because I get disappointed with people and most often I can´t forget the disappointment, Then, it´s not worth trying to do so either.

This T behaved in an appropriate, professional way. It may not be what you wanted but it was appropriate to the situation. People are not always going to behave the way you want them to - if you expect that then it's guaranteed you will always find something to be disappointed about. Why not focus on the fact that you liked her in person instead of looking for flaws? Everyone should have high standards but yours are unreasonable and keep you locked in a pattern that clearly doesn't work for you.

[PaulaS]

Yes, I agree. It´s a choice between being lonely and constantly hurt and disappointed.

Originally Posted by anilam

But ppl will disappoint you. No one is perfect, if you can't forgive/forget it / have very high standards... then, I'm afraid, you might lead a very lonely life.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Yes, I agree. It´s a choice between being lonely and constantly hurt and disappointed.

when i arrive at two choices, my ts have always presented me with at least one more choice i was unable to see on my own. I hate when they do that, but its why i go to them.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

The responses don´t have to come with a negative drive but they still show something. I keep searching for a T to be really sure I´ve done what I could to find one. If I search in a thorough manner but still don´t find one, I´ll know I can´t do anything to improve my situation. That´s how my whole life looks like. I try things out, I get disappointed and don´t go there again, why should I?

I´ve answered the e-mail from this potential T now. I used the same unnecessary shortenings of text, using both first name and surname and so on, strictly impersonal and unengaged. I confirmed the appointment time. You now see, I´m already a bit irritated with her, not a good start.

What do they show?! You are making major assumptions!

Maybe it shows she has a different personal style of emailing to you. Maybe it shows she had three minutes to fire off a reply so focused on including the important information. Maybe it shows that she feels it is appropriate to veer more on the businesslike side, until you have had a few sessions, know one another better, and take first steps into an established relationship where warmth and interest are natural follow ons from that connection.

And this -

"I keep searching for a T to be really sure I´ve done what I could to find one. If I search in a thorough manner but still don´t find one, I´ll know I can´t do anything to improve my situation."

This sounds like you are desperate to prove to yourself (and, interestingly, to us, perhaps to reassure yourself further) that you are past help, past all redemption, past moving towards the life you really want.

What is more important to you? Getting a better life? Or being 'right' and proving there's nobody suitable to help you?

I used to have a friend who did something similar with me and others in her life. She had some sort of hidden rule book that I had no clue how to follow...like, if she said no to something, I had to insist yes a certain number of times or I didn't care. It was exhausting and unsustainable.

People, in real life and the therapy world, can't read your mind to know what the magic response is to show that they are willing to be there for you. You have such strict rules, I don't see anyone being able to follow them without tripping up.

Maybe try something different for your appointment, and go in with a clean slate, expecting this therapist to listen. It's going to take time, anyway. No therapist, matter how good, can know what we're about and how to interact. It's a learning process that goes both ways.

I hope you give it time. Otherwise, it sounds like you are looking for this to go badly.

[PaulaS]

Yes, if a therapy will actually work that would be a very big surprise to me. My whole life is a disappointment but I don´t want to just state it is, I want to know that I´ve tried to make changes in different ways.

I don´t think it´s anything strange about being beyond help, not everyone can be helped. What I mean by a better life is quite different from what others mean by a better life. I won´t strive towards some "acceptable level", that will only make me as disappointed as I am right now. I know where I am right now, a bit above the absolute bottom.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

What do they show?! You are making major assumptions!

Maybe it shows she has a different personal style of emailing to you. Maybe it shows she had three minutes to fire off a reply so focused on including the important information. Maybe it shows that she feels it is appropriate to veer more on the businesslike side, until you have had a few sessions, know one another better, and take first steps into an established relationship where warmth and interest are natural follow ons from that connection.

And this -

"I keep searching for a T to be really sure I´ve done what I could to find one. If I search in a thorough manner but still don´t find one, I´ll know I can´t do anything to improve my situation."

This sounds like you are desperate to prove to yourself (and, interestingly, to us, perhaps to reassure yourself further) that you are past help, past all redemption, past moving towards the life you really want.

What is more important to you? Getting a better life? Or being 'right' and proving there's nobody suitable to help you?

[divine1966]

My T told me I can call her on her cell if I have emergency situation (not 911 kind but just very anxious) as I see her biweekly and she is often out of town. I never did but know that I could.

Saying that I am pretty sure if I emailed or texted just some general non emergency stuff she would just say "come to the next appointment". If stuff you mentioned was not urgent then it is ok she didn't comment on it.

I am somewhat surprised you would even email her after one initial session, she doesn't know your history yet or your true issues. Give it time. It took me almost 6 months to fully trust my T.

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[Ididitmyway]

I think, it'd be best if you discuss this with the therapist directly. You already got the feedback you were asking for on this forum. If you still feel unsure, at this point, the only way to deal with it is to talk with this therapist about it when you see her next time. At the end of the day, the most important thing is whether you and the therapist can come to an agreement on how therapy will be conducted and if you both follow the terms of the agreement, whatever it may be. If you and the therapist are not on the same page about it from the start, then, I agree, it's not a good start. But there is no way for you to know that unless you see her next time and talk to her about it.

[stopdog]

I interviewed one therapist who said she once spent over 6 months just emailing with a client who could not speak at an appointment due to anxiety. They would sit during the appointment and email back and forth. And they did start with emailing first before being in the actual room together because of the anxiety. I did not stick with that one, but I thought it was interesting.
Some of them can be creative.

[PaulaS]

I´ve scheduled another appointment with this T and I hope I´ll get the same positive feeling as last time I saw her. I know she told me already that it would be ok for me to e-mail her between sessions and that she reads them and she´ll answer them in a short way. She seemed open to different approaches to therapy and it´s now crucial how she act upon the mail I sent and how she talks about it. I sent her only positive remarks and comments, but still, I don´t know if her reaction will be positive.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I think, it'd be best if you discuss this with the therapist directly. You already got the feedback you were asking for on this forum. If you still feel unsure, at this point, the only way to deal with it is to talk with this therapist about it when you see her next time. At the end of the day, the most important thing is whether you and the therapist can come to an agreement on how therapy will be conducted and if you both follow the terms of the agreement, whatever it may be. If you and the therapist are not on the same page about it from the start, then, I agree, it's not a good start. But there is no way for you to know that unless you see her next time and talk to her about it.