truely awful session

he couldn't say anything right. i wouldn't let him. pissed off that he is taking time off, i guess.

who cares.

don't need him anyway.

I guess you care AK, I know it hurts, it hurts to care? But thats how it used to feel? I care that my T is on break. I felt it was a punishment to me, that she doesn't care about me because she wouldnt leave me if she did.

I know this is old tapes, she has to take care of her as well as me . By her doing what she also needs to do for her, she teaches me how to do what I need to do for me.

Someone once said to me that taking a break from anything is healhty, I thought she was crazy, then I was full of green envy that she could think "normally" like this.

The pain we feel at times like this, is there anyways, if we dont feel it and face now then it will seep out sideways everyday in other ways. Ive had enought of this pain, I want to face it, deal with it and move on. I want to be able just "miss" someone like normal people and not have it turn into a life or death situation.

If Therapy didnt make us feel uncomfortable then it wouldnt be worth it. Well thats my take on it.

OUr frustrations have to be dealt wiht evenutally, we have to go through them, and now with the aid of someone that really does care, our T's we can do this!

i'm not sure he really does care.

i'm not quite sure how it happened but i ended up talking to him about some of my experiences with community mental health back home. about how i could hardly say a word to my first therapist. i would feel all choked up and hardly said a word. saw her for a year and a half and one day she said that she had run through all the cognitive behaviour strategies for someone with my problems and what did i want to talk about? i said 'i don't know' and she said 'well you may as well leave then'. that i got put in the control group for DBT then community mental health refused to treat me saying DBT was the only thing that would help me. i wrote the DBT people a letter and said it was unethical for them to run a control group that was meant to be 'treatment as usual' when community mental health was refusing to treat due to the introduction of the program. they ended up dissolving the control group and i got to do dbt. after dbt (which was great) nobody would work with me. therapists got burned out with me.

he said he wouldn't get burned out because he looked after himself and took time off and had a full and busy and varied life outside of his work.

i then told him that since the psychologists refused to work with me (because it was in my file that my clinicians burned out and that i functioned too highly to qualify for treatment and that i'd shown no progress in 4 years of therapy and that their money would be better spent elsewhere) i'd work with p-docs or registrars (p-docs in training). that after a couple months they would move on.

that it was hard when they left. that i'd usually end up in hospital for a time. that it wasn't so very hard that they left (hard to get attached in a couple months). what was harder was not knowing what would happen with me once they left. whether someone else would be assigned to me or not. whether i'd get on with them or not.

he doesn't give a %#@&#! about me. he lives a varied busy life outside therapy and his wifes having a baby. woo hoo for him.

i told him i read linehans manual and it helped but it didn't cure me. talked to him about my thesis. he said 'quite often people try and cure themselves'. i was like 'yeah well what are you supposed to do when nobody will work with you'.

i feel cold.

he was like 'i guess i am taking quite a bit of time off'. i was like 'i'll be ok. it isn't like you haven't had time off before'. he was like 'yeah, but not for this long'. i was like 'well you took 2 weeks off over christmas and then we had a session or 2 and then you took another 2 weeks off'. i think he couldn't wait for me to get the hell out of there.

yeah well whatever.

i'm sure i'll be all apologetic but it might well take 1 or 2 or more likely 3 weeks for me to feel that way.

right now... i don't %#@&#! need him. ok?

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alexandra_k said:
i'm not sure he really does care.

i'm not quite sure how it happened but i ended up talking to him about some of my experiences with community mental health back home. about how i could hardly say a word to my first therapist. i would feel all choked up and hardly said a word. saw her for a year and a half and one day she said that she had run through all the cognitive behaviour strategies for someone with my problems and what did i want to talk about? i said 'i don't know' and she said 'well you may as well leave then'. that i got put in the control group for DBT then community mental health refused to treat me saying DBT was the only thing that would help me. i wrote the DBT people a letter and said it was unethical for them to run a control group that was meant to be 'treatment as usual' when community mental health was refusing to treat due to the introduction of the program. they ended up dissolving the control group and i got to do dbt. after dbt (which was great) nobody would work with me. therapists got burned out with me.

he said he wouldn't get burned out because he looked after himself and took time off and had a full and busy and varied life outside of his work.

i then told him that since the psychologists refused to work with me (because it was in my file that my clinicians burned out and that i functioned too highly to qualify for treatment and that i'd shown no progress in 4 years of therapy and that their money would be better spent elsewhere) i'd work with p-docs or registrars (p-docs in training). that after a couple months they would move on.

that it was hard when they left. that i'd usually end up in hospital for a time. that it wasn't so very hard that they left (hard to get attached in a couple months). what was harder was not knowing what would happen with me once they left. whether someone else would be assigned to me or not. whether i'd get on with them or not.

he doesn't give a %#@&#! about me. he lives a varied busy life outside therapy and his wifes having a baby. woo hoo for him.

i told him i read linehans manual and it helped but it didn't cure me. talked to him about my thesis. he said 'quite often people try and cure themselves'. i was like 'yeah well what are you supposed to do when nobody will work with you'.

i feel cold.

he was like 'i guess i am taking quite a bit of time off'. i was like 'i'll be ok. it isn't like you haven't had time off before'. he was like 'yeah, but not for this long'. i was like 'well you took 2 weeks off over christmas and then we had a session or 2 and then you took another 2 weeks off'. i think he couldn't wait for me to get the hell out of there.

yeah well whatever.

i'm sure i'll be all apologetic but it might well take 1 or 2 or more likely 3 weeks for me to feel that way.

right now... i don't %#@&#! need him. ok?

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Alex is pains me that you were pushed aside by so many. I think this T does care. He recognized that his time off is effecting you. I love that he told you, I won't be burned out which translates to "I won't abandon you..."

The rest abandoned you and made you think it was your fault. It's not your fault okay? You did good. You told him some hard stuff.

AK, I agree with Almeda, its not your fault! Unfortunately there are a lot of people that go into the caring professions and couldnt care for a dog let alone a human being!

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he lives a varied busy life outside therapy and his wifes having a baby. woo hoo for him.

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%#@&amp;#! that. I don't know, that makes me mad just to read it. My T never discloses anything to me about his family. But he wears a wedding ring and I always have these visions of him and his wonderful wife sitting at the dinner table with their wonderful kids.

Do you ever tell him that you're mad at him?

Oh and I cannot think about my T being with anyone. Luckily, he has said because then I'll have something else to be upset about.

Doesn't he know that I am his only friend and no one else? Giggle...he didn't get the memo apparently.

i really didn't think this was going to be a big deal. like i said he has had time off before. i guess it got to me a bit but i don't think it was a big deal. though i guess i would need to check the archives to be sure... but this is getting to me. a lot.

i guess he reminded me of it a lot. and he did keep saying that his wife was having a baby so he wouldn't know when his time off would start because it depended on delivery. i thought he kept telling me this to make sure that i understood that he wouldn't know when his time off was going to start. i think it might have been more that he was really excited about it though. i didn't tell him about p-doc who terminated me 'cause he got a promotion. p-doc who said 'i've been promoted :-) but it won't make any material difference to your care' at the same time as saying 'we won't be seeing each other anymore'.

he did keep saying that he wouldn't abandon me. but he also said that they were just words... but they were probably worth saying... but only time would show me...

i don't think it actually occurred to him until that session that this really was affecting me.

i've expressed anger to him before. he wasn't the object of the anger but i've expressed anger to him and he held it ok. don't know how he would go with holding that if he was the object of the anger, however.

i guess i was pissed in the last session. but i didn't say that i was angry with him, no.

but... i won't be emailing him. or phoning him. don't want to encroach on his life etc etc.

i really don't feel very well.