[magicalprince]

I don't know how to tell my (DBT) T I fantasize about older women, like sort of being kept and possessed romantically by an older woman who treated me sorta like a child. I think it's hard because my T is an older woman.... sigh. Also she is straight and I'm male. We have both said that we care about each other but that is it. I don't have much fantasies about her specifically at his point bc it's not happening but this is something I've never empathized with about myself and I really want to be heard and somehow I feel like having her acceptance specifically on this would be a huge relief.

I also have not told her I'm Bi and I have not really come to terms with it either, she just assumes I am gay and I am in a relationship w/ a man right now but it's not going well

I keep feeling like she'll judge me or it will change how she thinks of me and it will get extremely awkward. ;_; I don't want to make our work anymore awkward. Sometimes she drops the ball when I'm talking abt my feelings and she doesn't know what I want to hear. But I do need her. And I feel like I still am not 100% open with her and it's hurting my faith in the work. How can I manage to tell her about this?? Help?

[ThisWayOut]

it can be hard to talk to a T about stuff we havvn't totally come to terms with ourselves. It gets easier if you've been able to build up some trust wiht your T. Being a DBT T though, she may focus more on the behavioral aspect of things rather than any emotional validation. You could try talking to her about the anxiety around telling her your fantasies, and what you would like to get from her (especially if it's different from what you normally get). I've bene known to tell a T that I just want to talk about something, be heard about it, and get some validation without having to think about interventions or "solving a problem".
I'm sorry your relationship isn't going well... That can be a huge added stress on top of everything else. I know when my relationship is on the rocks or more stressful, everythign else is impacted.
Hope you can find a way to talk safely about what you need to.
Also, if it helps, can you write it down and either read it to her of give it to her to read? I know that helps me when I have trouble verbalizing things in person.

[NowhereUSA]

If she's DBT trained, she should take a nonjudgmental stance. Is it a concern, is that why you're wanting to tell her? Everyone has different sorts of fantasies, I certainly don't tell T about mine - if I found one worrisome though I probably would find a way.

Any competent T should be nonjudgmental, no matter what you tell them - that has nothing to do with the kind of therapy they offer.

How long have you been seeing this therapist? Being 100% open can be a long process. Only today I told my T some things I have hidden from him for two and a half years...

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Any competent T should be nonjudgmental, no matter what you tell them - that has nothing to do with the kind of therapy they offer.

How long have you been seeing this therapist? Being 100% open can be a long process. Only today I told my T some things I have hidden from him for two and a half years...

I only mentioned it in terms of DBT because OP did - I was trying to remind him that nonjudgmental is at the core of DBT mindfulness and to, hopefully, encourage/comfort him with regards to talking to his T.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

it can be hard to talk to a T about stuff we havvn't totally come to terms with ourselves. It gets easier if you've been able to build up some trust wiht your T. Being a DBT T though, she may focus more on the behavioral aspect of things rather than any emotional validation. You could try talking to her about the anxiety around telling her your fantasies, and what you would like to get from her (especially if it's different from what you normally get). I've bene known to tell a T that I just want to talk about something, be heard about it, and get some validation without having to think about interventions or "solving a problem".
I'm sorry your relationship isn't going well... That can be a huge added stress on top of everything else. I know when my relationship is on the rocks or more stressful, everythign else is impacted.
Hope you can find a way to talk safely about what you need to.
Also, if it helps, can you write it down and either read it to her of give it to her to read? I know that helps me when I have trouble verbalizing things in person.

Thanks and yes, telling and being heard without interventions is what I need for sure. I hate when I say something I'm feeling and it's like, okay, why are you telling me this? And I told her that hurts me but she still usually does it and I end up using session time feeling not quite right about it.

I try to write it but I always get sidetracked and hate what I wrote! lol. Grrr it's so confusing.

I think I just feel very alone and vulnerable right now and I get overly careful about the relationship with T because I have nobody else but I don't want to be all pathetic and needy either.

What do you think it's fair to ask for from a T? I guess I just want her to hear me out and try her best to understand.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Any competent T should be nonjudgmental, no matter what you tell them - that has nothing to do with the kind of therapy they offer.

How long have you been seeing this therapist? Being 100% open can be a long process. Only today I told my T some things I have hidden from him for two and a half years...

Wow. congratulations on telling your T those things. It must have been really hard. I've been seeing my T for over a year at least.

I mean I know she's not supposed to be judgmental and she's NOT but also, sometimes things get really awkward and I can't seem to handle it. Sometimes she gets anxious not knowing what to do and changes the topic too fast. It's the little things like that that make me feel unheard. I know she's listenig Iguess I just need her to actually express more that she is listening rather than just going, "ok, have you tried x skill for that?" I just want her to seem emotionally present like I'm talking to another human being. :c

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Thanks and yes, telling and being heard without interventions is what I need for sure. I hate when I say something I'm feeling and it's like, okay, why are you telling me this? And I told her that hurts me but she still usually does it and I end up using session time feeling not quite right about it.

I try to write it but I always get sidetracked and hate what I wrote! lol. Grrr it's so confusing. I do this A LOT! I write, and then think it's stupid or wrong or whatever, and I don't tell T. I've found a good way to get around it is to simply hand it to T at the start of session or (when I had a T that did email) send it via email to be discussed in session...

I think I just feel very alone and vulnerable right now and I get overly careful about the relationship with T because I have nobody else but I don't want to be all pathetic and needy either. I think that's a common concern. I know I get that way a lot. I have found talking about it with T helps (admitting that I feel really needy, express my concerns around sounding pathetic or being annoying). Most T's have been open to talking about it all, and most have assured me that they don't think I am pathetic. It's totally understandable not wanting to lose the support of T. If you have conversations though, most T's deal with that kind of stuff pretty well. They are trained in how to handle relational issues and they often don't flinch when we tell them really shameful things. Hopefully, your T will take it in stride.

What do you think it's fair to ask for from a T? I guess I just want her to hear me out and try her best to understand. I've specifically asked T to just listen, because I wanted to feel heard. This was with a T that talked a lot, and focused on problem-solving rather than validating or empathizing. She actually took it really well, though I needed to remind her at times that I wanted to simply be heard. Most T's are open to "meeting a client where they are at" in terms of needs and what's best for treatment. There are some T's that are more inflexible, but asking to be heard is not anything outrageous. I hope you can find a way to talk to her. It can be a really lonely feeling to not be able to open up to anyone... For what it's worth, I've told my T some really shameful stuff, and she handled it really well. They were things I was afraid would change her opinion of me or freak her out, but she talked to me about it. It helped to finally open up about some fo that stuff.



Wow. congratulations on telling your T those things. It must have been really hard. I've been seeing my T for over a year at least.

I mean I know she's not supposed to be judgmental and she's NOT but also, sometimes things get really awkward and I can't seem to handle it. Sometimes she gets anxious not knowing what to do and changes the topic too fast. It's the little things like that that make me feel unheard. I know she's listenig Iguess I just need her to actually express more that she is listening rather than just going, "ok, have you tried x skill for that?" I just want her to seem emotionally present like I'm talking to another human being. :c

She sounds really solution-focused. Maybe telling her you simply want to be heard, without having to figure out what skill to use of how to diminish the emotion, will help the situation. Behaviorally slanted T's often only focus on skills, which can seem invalidating. While behavioral therapy can be very helpful, it doesn't cover everything. It's ok to ask a T to be more flexable.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

She sounds really solution-focused. Maybe telling her you simply want to be heard, without having to figure out what skill to use of how to diminish the emotion, will help the situation. Behaviorally slanted T's often only focus on skills, which can seem invalidating. While behavioral therapy can be very helpful, it doesn't cover everything. It's ok to ask a T to be more flexable.

Oh yeah, I've told her. Think she's getting a complex about it by now lol. Seems like it is a habit of hers and it makes me wonder if she's 100% in touch with her feelings. She is also a trauma T though so I feel like she should be used to this. Why isn't she comfortable with me being emotional? You know? I can't be the first one to come along with devastating pain!

I also respect and look up to her but I don't know how to tell her this. I might have to try handing her some writing like you said, even though I have always been reluctant to share diaries :c

[ThisWayOut]

Maybe you can write something specifically for her?

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Maybe you can write something specifically for her?

Ahhh gosh I don't want it to sound like I'm into her though ;A; she actually doesn't mind when I get all mushy about us but it feels like there's a line somewhere way before "I literally seriously want someone just like you who isn't you to steal me and make me a house pet"

uhh, okay, but good point. It never hurts to at least try to write something :x

[ThisWayOut]

lol. no, I meant instead of giving her your diary, write something with the intention of giving it to her. It's a bit less intimidating than handing over somethign you thought would only ever be seen by you.

Though if the fantasy is really about someone like her, but not her, that's something to talk about. I mean like her more than just the fact that you are looking for an older woman, but if the woman would look like her and act like her, but not be her... I can see where that would be very intimidating to admit.

Also, if you find that what you write is not something you want to show her, you can always chose not to give it to her. I write to my T all the time as if I was sending her an email. I find it's easier for me to both censor certain things while still being open about others. It's the distinction of writin gfor yourself vs writing for someone else's eyes...

(I'm suddenly pictureing something along the lines of what I imagine 50 shades of grey to be like... never read the books, but heard about them... that would be kinda hard to tell T about... it was hard enough for me to try to talk to one of my former T's about some bdsm stuff I needed to figure out, and it certainly didn't involve anyone like her. I don't know if I could have spoken to her about it if I was fantasies about a woman my age. I'm a lesbian, but for whatever reason the fantasies always involved older men... well, ok, I know the reason, but... yeah. It would have been weirder talking to her about it if it were about a woman around my age... and I'm sure that's tmi, sorry... o_O)

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

lol. no, I meant instead of giving her your diary, write something with the intention of giving it to her. It's a bit less intimidating than handing over somethign you thought would only ever be seen by you.

Though if the fantasy is really about someone like her, but not her, that's something to talk about. I mean like her more than just the fact that you are looking for an older woman, but if the woman would look like her and act like her, but not be her... I can see where that would be very intimidating to admit.

Also, if you find that what you write is not something you want to show her, you can always chose not to give it to her. I write to my T all the time as if I was sending her an email. I find it's easier for me to both censor certain things while still being open about others. It's the distinction of writin gfor yourself vs writing for someone else's eyes...

(I'm suddenly pictureing something along the lines of what I imagine 50 shades of grey to be like... never read the books, but heard about them... that would be kinda hard to tell T about... it was hard enough for me to try to talk to one of my former T's about some bdsm stuff I needed to figure out, and it certainly didn't involve anyone like her. I don't know if I could have spoken to her about it if I was fantasies about a woman my age. I'm a lesbian, but for whatever reason the fantasies always involved older men... well, ok, I know the reason, but... yeah. It would have been weirder talking to her about it if it were about a woman around my age... and I'm sure that's tmi, sorry... o_O)

Yeah, maybe it's not exactly her, but definitely close enough that it's awkward. But I had the fantasy long before I met her, probably since I was only 12 or so, and maybe that's what made me choose her anyway. Funny enough I have told her some of my fantasies about older men, and that wasn't awkward, but never the ones about women.

Hah I never did read 50 shades either but yeah it's nothing that intense! Lmao. My fantasies are pretty pathetically innocent at least, they're maybe more role fantasies than anything, though oddly the more messed up and specific the other person's fantasies are, the better I feel, maybe it helps me feel wanted. It's not TMI though, I don't really mind.

But yeah I haven't talked to her a whole lot about sex so that's new ground for me too. I tread carefully because she treads carefully because she doesn't want to trigger me re:csa. The closest I've ever gotten to any of this was when a friend sort of like T (just more my own age) was constantly hitting on me and I didn't know how to set boundaries. For some reason I took some weird pleasure in telling T about the topic, guess I wanted to see if it made her at all uncomfortable if I rejected my friend. Actually I think tbh I've tried to broach the topic in a lot of indirect ways ((( wow, that's sad, I really should write something and get this off my chest. Like you said though it's hard to let anyone else see it after the fact, lol. ;_;

[ThisWayOut]

there's nothing sad about trying to ease into a tough subject. I can think of a number of times I tried to bring up some stuff to a previous T but couldn;t actually talk about it. I had hoped that by some miracle she could read my mind enough to know the exact right questions to ask so I could finally say it... we need to get these T's trained in mind-reading already

You should be a blue to trust your T! go ahead and tell them anything that you want. Try!