I really don't know how to feel, I was physically shaking, we talked for twenty minutes but I spent most of that trying not to hyperventilate. I think I managed to splutter out a couple of things about the positive ways he has impacted my life but it was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had to have. I asked if we could meet and have a proper termination session, and he is going to phone me tomorrow to arrange a date next week. I'm hoping that will give me time to collect my thoughts and properly verbalise what he means to me and why I feel I have to move on.
I am so so sad about this. I f-ing love him and I have to let him go. It's not just an ending for now, it's for the rest of my life. That's huge, almost too huge to get my head round. This feels like such a huge decision; am I even capable of making such a huge decision?
I just feel the same numbness I felt right after bereavements in my life. Does this mean the grieving is to come? I wonder what he thinks about the call. He asked me twice whether I have seen another T.

[growlycat]

I hope you are OK!! Why do you need to stop seeing your T? Are you in the middle of a rupture or is this a long time coming? I'm heading back to work from a lunch break but I will read again later today.

You can always change your mind about therapy, right?

I don't know what to say to you except, you must be very strong & brave to have done that. I cried reading your post. Good luck. Xxx

Originally Posted by growlycat

I hope you are OK!! Why do you need to stop seeing your T? Are you in the middle of a rupture or is this a long time coming? I'm heading back to work from a lunch break but I will read again later today.

You can always change your mind about therapy, right?

I have had to be totally honest with myself and admit that all my reasons for going back to him relate to the fact that I love him and I miss him, and not the therapeutic benefit.
I don't think he can help me going forward with my issues and I'm finding that I am consumed with my feelings for him and that is blocking progress. That's not to take anything away from what I have achieved with him, which has been life changing.
Since I have started seeing T2 I have felt emotionally stronger and coping week to week and I am starting to feel some trust building.
If I go back to T1 there is a danger of it becoming more like a paid friendship and I can't let that happen. It is a huge loss for me but I have to protect myself.

Originally Posted by JoBo

I don't know what to say to you except, you must be very strong & brave to have done that. I cried reading your post. Good luck. Xxx

Thanks it really did take all my courage and went against every fibre in my body. My head is fighting my heart

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I have had to be totally honest with myself and admit that all my reasons for going back to him relate to the fact that I love him and I miss him, and not the therapeutic benefit.
I don't think he can help me going forward with my issues and I'm finding that I am consumed with my feelings for him and that is blocking progress. That's not to take anything away from what I have achieved with him, which has been life changing.
Since I have started seeing T2 I have felt emotionally stronger and coping week to week and I am starting to feel some trust building.
If I go back to T1 there is a danger of it becoming more like a paid friendship and I can't let that happen. It is a huge loss for me but I have to protect myself.

Your honesty deserves much respect. You've made a decision many therapy clients are unable to make, and for them therapy does turn into a paid friendship. Good luck with your termination session. I hope the grieving process won't be too stressful for you and that eventually you'll be able to look back at this chapter of your life with appreciation, not with sadness.

Thanks, I know that if I was reading my own post I would be saying 'you're doing the right thing' but part of me hates myself for taking him away from me. I am thankful for the time I had with him, and grateful I have T2 to process this with. It is a sickening feeling; I can't believe how hard it is.

[SnakeCharmer]

I admire your decision, Echos. I'm the one who recommended sticking with him when the rupture happened during the holidays. I thought it would be best to work on the transference and all that with him, if you could. You found T2 and, good fortune abounding, that turned into a positive therapeutic relationship.

I read your post in another thread about him not responding to your email, your distress and your suspicions of his wife. Seemed like the transference issues were still in full force and this was a T relationship that just wasn't going to work.

So please allow me to congratulate you on your good judgment, strength and courage in this matter! You have wisely chosen to work with a different T, for very good reasons. I wish you the best.

[Petra5ed]

Echos, is this still because you asked him to be his friend and he didn't reply? I would say maybe see another T and discuss it with them before the termination process. I get your frustration but I also get that he can't (ethically and professionally) respond to your text and say yes let's be friends, plus with a wife and with your feelings for him that would be extra awkward, even if he wanted to. Sometimes I go off the deep end and flip out and I think it's related to my upbringing more than my current T relationship. I also threatened to leave mine recently but changed my mind before my goodbye session. Maybe this can be an opportunity to open more dialogue on what's going on with you. Sometimes I feel like my therapist just doesn't get or cannot get how it feels to feel like us.

[JustShakey]

(((Echos)))
That was a hard choice to make. Good on you for making it


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I admire your decision, Echos. I'm the one who recommended sticking with him when the rupture happened during the holidays. I thought it would be best to work on the transference and all that with him, if you could. You found T2 and, good fortune abounding, that turned into a positive therapeutic relationship.

I read your post in another thread about him not responding to your email, your distress and your suspicions of his wife. Seemed like the transference issues were still in full force and this was a T relationship that just wasn't going to work.

So please allow me to congratulate you on your good judgment, strength and courage in this matter! You have wisely chosen to work with a different T, for very good reasons. I wish you the best.

Snakecharmer, I always appreciate your thoughts; you seem to often have useful insights on my threads! I am glad I waited until now to make a decision on whether to go back to him. I think the notion of only being on a break with him helped to bridge the gap until my trust in T2 started to emerge.
I asked him about the email and he said he hadn't received it; I still wonder why that is, but I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't think that effect of the transference could ever lessen. It would always cause me hurt if I continued to see him. I also don't think he has the experience or skill set to help me work through the transference. And I now know that I need to work through it.

[nervous puppy]

(((Echos))) I have a little bit of an idea of how hard that was for you. I can relate to the physically shaking part and hyperventilating. I vividly remember my last session with my ex-T, when I told her in the middle of our session that this was our last. I mean, from what I could see through my watery eyes, that is.
Stay strong knowing you did the right thing. Your new T will be able to help you through the grieving process and you will be twice as strong in the end!!

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Echos, is this still because you asked him to be his friend and he didn't reply? I would say maybe see another T and discuss it with them before the termination process. I get your frustration but I also get that he can't (ethically and professionally) respond to your text and say yes let's be friends, plus with a wife and with your feelings for him that would be extra awkward, even if he wanted to. Sometimes I go off the deep end and flip out and I think it's related to my upbringing more than my current T relationship. I also threatened to leave mine recently but changed my mind before my goodbye session. Maybe this can be an opportunity to open more dialogue on what's going on with you. Sometimes I feel like my therapist just doesn't get or cannot get how it feels to feel like us.

Hi Petra5ed, I think you're confusing me with winenot (?)

I just called it off with my old T a few days ago. The sadness in his voice killed me. I hung up and cried like a little girl.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Hi Petra5ed, I think you're confusing me with winenot (?)

Oh, my bad!

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Oh, my bad!

Thanks for the response though! And Echos, I feel your pain!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlycat]

I'm glad that you are working through it with T2. Sounds like a well thought out decision and that does take guts to follow through with it.

I am so impressed, I can't even find words of sympathy for how painful this must be. I'm just so pleased to see you do this for yourself. One of the hardest things ever to leave a therapist.

Thank you It's so great to have PCers who understand how huge and gut wrenching this is For me. Nobody in my real life sees this as a big deal, like I'm switching dentists or something.
I deliberately phoned him the night before seeing T2, so I can work through the pain with him today, although I still feel incredibly numb. I know that's masking a world of pain. Just hearing his voice last night was so soothing, how can I lose that?

[ThingWithFeathers]

I think the end of a close therapeutic relationship is incredibly painful, and people grieve in much the same way as a death.

Well done on doing what you think is best for you. Sending you warm and caring during this difficult time.

Thank you, all this support is so appreciated.
Just under 1.5 hours till I see T2. Thank god I have a safe space to talk about this today.

Hope it goes well, I can see what a hard decision you have made.

It did go well, thanks. T2 has proven pretty rock solid and supportive with everything so far. I spent the first half of the session fighting back tears. I asked him if I will ever look at T1 as simply 'a therapist I had once' because it doesn't feel possible. I told him that my heart and my head are at war. My heart is like a child stamping her feet, slamming doors and shouting "I hate you!" and my head is the parent calmly watching and saying "I'm only doing this for your own good!" Head and heart are not on speaking terms right now.
When I got home I had a missed call from T1 so I called him back and we scheduled for 9 days time. It was much easier to talk to him this time. I think because I had just been processing all the pain and sadness.

[mira belle]

love ur courage !!!! u r so genuine...and true to yourself...but yes life must go on...

Originally Posted by mira belle

love ur courage !!!! u r so genuine...and true to yourself...but yes life must go on...

Thank you, you are right we have to keep moving forward. He will always be an important part of my past, even when the intensity of these feelings fade.