[Ellahmae]

I didn't want to hijack another thread but this topic has been on my mind a lot recently as I progress through my own therapy.

My spouse doesn't like that I go to therapy - he's somewhat supportive because I need it but would prefer I just figure it out on my own, and I can "talk to him". He doesn't trust T's (bad experience when he was a child) and is always questioning when she's going to tell me to leave him. Which she never would.

I have noticed that my spouse is very his way is ALWAYS right no matter how wrong he is & I'm too dumb to know the difference. I feel this is his low self-esteem and non-existent confidence in himself (unless it’s his job). The more I progress throughout the process and see myself changing and see things around me differently - especially how others treatment of me, positive or negative, and how I internalize/process it this has bothered me more and more. The phrases he sometimes uses, how I am talked down to a lot, etc. He’s a good man and there is a lot in his past that causes him to be this way, I know about it and I understand it – but it really REALLY is starting to bother me – I would be tempted to say hurt me more that he doesn’t see me in a better/smarter light.

Do marriages seem to suffer when one spouse begins to change in therapy and the other wants nothing to do with it? I really don’t want to go down that road but I also really don’t like feeling hurt and “smaller” than him, especially since I used to feel I had to be that way towards men because of my past but now I’m realizing otherwise and should I just hope with all my might that he will love the new me and learn to treat me differently?

[justdesserts]

My marriage hasn't suffered because of therapy, but as I have become more vocal about what I will and won't tolerate in terms of how my husband treats me due to what I've learned in therapy, we've had some serious growing pains. My husband has had to grow along with me.

[Ellahmae]

I'm hoping that will happen - T is mainly a couples/marriage/family therapist and she assures me that we will do what we can to help him via me learn how to treat me and better the relationship. It's reassuring to hear that the spouse can grow with us while in the process as well. I'm not looking foward to the growing pains but I know going through my individual ones that good things await on the other side of them - thanks for your thoughts -JD

[Orvel]

This is normal. My T said that things always tend to pull back into status quo. People will be bothered by the change in you, they will feel uneasy and do/say things just to keep the "usual you". This really has nothing to do with you, it has to do with them. Talk to your therapist about it.

One reason I am able to change through therapy is the fact that my husband doesn't know I go. And since we can never change anybody else, only ourselves, in the hypothetical situation that I would want my marriage to change (not saying that I do want that, nor that I don't want it) the change would have to come from me anyway, so there is no reason whatsoever why H should be informed of my therapy. I don't think he'd be particularly interested in any case.

Here's the thing: we are not our marriages. A romantic relationship is only one aspect of life, and it doesn't have to be the most important one. If and when you grow as a person as the result of therapy, that affects you, but it doesn't necessarily have to change your marriage unless you want it to.

[Ellahmae]

I never thought about it that way - or about any of my relationships presently in that way - so thanks for that insight! T and I do talk about it

Originally Posted by Orvel

This is normal. My T said that things always tend to pull back into status quo. People will be bothered by the change in you, they will feel uneasy and do/say things just to keep the "usual you". This really has nothing to do with you, it has to do with them. Talk to your therapist about it.

My therapy was a disaster for my marriage for quite a while there. As I became stronger and healthier, it was no longer okay that my H had to always be right, argued with me about everything when I resisted that, and how he thought and said everything was my fault. We were right on the edge of divorce, and I had already told him I wanted a divorce when he finally agreed to try marriage counseling. The good news is that marriage counseling was a huge success for us. He learned to take more responsibility, to listen and to discuss things more constructively. I am happier in our relationship than I have ever been.

So, that is my bad news/good news experience.

My husband was actually quite jealous of my current therapist when I first started seeing him; in his BPD brain, I was abandoning him and falling in love with my therapist, which was crazy ridiculous and pretty delusional.

I actually encouraged my husband to go see my therapist and meet the man. He did and actually ended up using him as his own therapist which was completely okay with me; I sent him knowing that was a distinct possibility and really hoped that would be the case. I knew my husband would like him, would mesh well with him, and hopefully be able to work on his own issues while I worked on mine. (Husband realized pretty fast, by the way, that T would never have been my type and that T is extremely professional, so at least that resistance to my own therapy was quickly resolved.)

Our marriage has grown (not without growing pains). Our communication is much more honest and open than it ever was before. With better communication does come more conflict at times, but it is conflict we are able to work through because we lay it on the table instead of just seething quietly about things. We've both grown as individuals, and at times my husband still feels a bit threatened my my growth (as I've progressed a bit faster and farther at this point), but the discussions about his fears and my growth are much more open and productive than they ever stood a chance of being before.

[JaneTennison1]

My spouse is quite happy for me to go to therapy. It helps me talk and hopefully I'm improving.

[Raging Quiet]

My h says there are 3 people in our relationship... :/

My husband thinks therapists are scammers and just out for money. I sort of agree.

[JustShakey]

Well, you could say my marriage is over because of therapy. I don't see it that way though. I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Stbx, on the other hand is perfectly happy being miserable. Long story short, we are just not compatible anymore. You either grow together or grow apart. We grew apart.

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[Soccer mom]

When I started therapy over the death of my mom, my H thought it was making me worse. He was very concerned and even asked me if I was having an affair because I would be gone for about an hour after my session. He told me to ask T. what he could do to understand. She asked him to come in. That was probably 6 months ago and he now comes in with me once a month. It's been very good for him to hear how transference works and her perspective. And, she will ask him how I am at home and give her insight on how my mom used to treat me.
I think it has helped him learn to tolerate my irrational thoughts and behavior and support me when I'm sad after my sessions. Because of him understanding more, I've been able to talk to him more about it.
It did test our marriage but from my end. He kept questioning the therapy, my whereabouts and other personal stuff. So, the best thing that happened was for my T. to ask him to come in. I just asked her this week if he needed to come in anymore and she said oh yes. I think she recognized my strong feelings for her and didn't want them to interfere with my marriage, our communication, etc.

[iheartjacques]

In some ways it was worse, because I got better and did things better, so he needs to change to keep up. In other ways it's better because I'm more open. After telling T about stuff that I've never been able to tell anyone else, it gets easier to tell someone else a bit of it. He knows my depression is getting better and my anxiety is less, generally, except when I've hit some rough patches. But it's my safe place to dump my **** I only wish it was every week instead of every fortnight.

[Favorite Jeans]

My partner and I are each in therapy separately. I think it's had a net positive impact on our relationship but with bumps and growing pains. We are more aware of our own and each other's issues and can be more patient and loving about our various quirks and faults. I think it has also helped us identify which issues truly threaten the relationship and which are annoying or upsetting but ultimately not such a big deal.

'marriages' are always changing and face times of pressure.
Another's insecurities are a different kettle of fish.

[Ellahmae]

Thanks for all the responses - it's opened my mind to some possibilities and actions that I could take/talk about/etc.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My therapy was a disaster for my marriage for quite a while there. As I became stronger and healthier, it was no longer okay that my H had to always be right, argued with me about everything when I resisted that, and how he thought and said everything was my fault. We were right on the edge of divorce, and I had already told him I wanted a divorce when he finally agreed to try marriage counseling. The good news is that marriage counseling was a huge success for us. He learned to take more responsibility, to listen and to discuss things more constructively. I am happier in our relationship than I have ever been.

So, that is my bad news/good news experience.

This gives me hope that this crap will work out and we'll grow stronger together and work through this.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I actually encouraged my husband to go see my therapist and meet the man. He did and actually ended up using him as his own therapist which was completely okay with me; I sent him knowing that was a distinct possibility and really hoped that would be the case. I knew my husband would like him, would mesh well with him, and hopefully be able to work on his own issues while I worked on mine. (Husband realized pretty fast, by the way, that T would never have been my type and that T is extremely professional, so at least that resistance to my own therapy was quickly resolved.)

Our marriage has grown (not without growing pains). Our communication is much more honest and open than it ever was before. With better communication does come more conflict at times, but it is conflict we are able to work through because we lay it on the table instead of just seething quietly about things. We've both grown as individuals, and at times my husband still feels a bit threatened my my growth (as I've progressed a bit faster and farther at this point), but the discussions about his fears and my growth are much more open and productive than they ever stood a chance of being before.

T has encouraged me to see if he'll come in. He's so resistant to it though. However, he has gone from, "No way in hell" to "I'll come say hi, maybe, one day"

Originally Posted by Raging Quiet

My h says there are 3 people in our relationship... :/

I have a feeling this will be where we are for awhile. Right now I'm just focusing on me and getting myself stable but stuff in the marriage is starting to come up and it needs repaired.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Well, you could say my marriage is over because of therapy. I don't see it that way though. I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Stbx, on the other hand is perfectly happy being miserable. Long story short, we are just not compatible anymore. You either grow together or grow apart. We grew apart.

Thanks for sharing. I think my biggest fear is the unknown of which direction ours might take.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

When I started therapy over the death of my mom, my H thought it was making me worse. He was very concerned and even asked me if I was having an affair because I would be gone for about an hour after my session. He told me to ask T. what he could do to understand. She asked him to come in. That was probably 6 months ago and he now comes in with me once a month. It's been very good for him to hear how transference works and her perspective. And, she will ask him how I am at home and give her insight on how my mom used to treat me. I think it has helped him learn to tolerate my irrational thoughts and behavior and support me when I'm sad after my sessions. Because of him understanding more, I've been able to talk to him more about it.It did test our marriage but from my end. He kept questioning the therapy, my whereabouts and other personal stuff. So, the best thing that happened was for my T. to ask him to come in. I just asked her this week if he needed to come in anymore and she said oh yes. I think she recognized my strong feelings for her and didn't want them to interfere with my marriage, our communication, etc.

Very similar. I always spend an hour to myself after my appointments to go over, compose, think, etc. He sees me as getting worse - I see myself as getting better. He thinks I'm too sensitive. I think he needs to watch some of the crap he says, etc. I'm more open with my needs (a little more than I used to be) and he isn't a fan - one day I hope to get him to go in her office....

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

In some ways it was worse, because I got better and did things better, so he needs to change to keep up. In other ways it's better because I'm more open. After telling T about stuff that I've never been able to tell anyone else, it gets easier to tell someone else a bit of it. He knows my depression is getting better and my anxiety is less, generally, except when I've hit some rough patches. But it's my safe place to dump my **** I only wish it was every week instead of every fortnight.

I never thought about opening up more to my H or it being easier - but it might help him see me a little differently than he does now - thanks for that insight.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

My partner and I are each in therapy separately. I think it's had a net positive impact on our relationship but with bumps and growing pains. We are more aware of our own and each other's issues and can be more patient and loving about our various quirks and faults. I think it has also helped us identify which issues truly threaten the relationship and which are annoying or upsetting but ultimately not such a big deal.

This is very helpful, thank you!

Originally Posted by _Mouse

'marriages' are always changing and face times of pressure.
Another's insecurities are a different kettle of fish.

Thanks, mouse. You have a way with words that really makes me think about things differently.

[gayleggg]

My husband is threatened by my therapy. He seems to think that all I do in therapy is bash him. He resents my therapist knowing the details of our lives. However, he doesn't feel like he needs any help. The marriage can't improve as long as he feels like that. I've gotten to where I won't discuss my sessions with him.