Input....T takes phone call during session

LindaLu and Myrto, THANK YOU!

I'm sitting here feeling badly for not being more understanding...for overreacting...but I agree. After a 10 minute phone call, I don't even recall what we were talking about! I do sometimes have a hard time getting going, so, when her phone rang 15 minutes into my session, I lost it (in my mind....my concentration). It took quite awhile, but I finally regained it, and disclosed some things I've been holding back for 8-9 months, and then BOOM, it's over. I'd just started talking again. That extra 1o minutes could have made all the difference!!

Just to update, T Emailed me late last night. Here's what it said:

Thank you for telling me another piece about XXXXX. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to remember and then share these fragments that together weave a picture that matches the extent of your struggle. Meaning real abuse is what you are trying to recover from.
And that takes infinite patience and a lot of time. Trauma does not let go of a person readily.

Trust me if you can, don't try so hard, let it happen. It will. Just only in it's own time.
______________________

Nothing about disruption.....or the anger I obviously felt when I was booted out of there. I'm very sensitive, I know I am, and I DO have a hard time talking. So that she got ANYTHING after the phone call is pretty amazing. And,she got some big stuff. I couldn't face her when I told her. In fact, I didn't face her the entire session....I have a hard time with that.

I think, without the phone call, it would have been an ok session. But it took me out of my mode....

That was a really nice email! Did you email her first or does she send unsolicited emails? That's unusual for a T. Maybe it was her way of telling you she didn't miss anything, but I think it's odd that she didn't apologize for the 10 minute phone call. If you emailed her first, did you bring up your feelings? Are you going to wait until your next session?

It reminds me a little of my situation with my T and my "rude email." I emailed her after the session that it bothered me, and why. I also said I was worried she didn't like me anymore. Her reply was only that it wasn't true at all that she doesn't like me. She didn't say anything about the situation itself.

My T answered her phone once in 5 years, but it was very brief and she told me first. I think it was her daughter. If it were an emergency I would understand because I have kids too, but I would expect an apology. If my T didn't have anyone after me, I would ask if we could make up the time. Maybe your T had to rush home to take her daughter to the Dr. Things happen.

My T started a few minutes late with me, maybe 5 or even 7 minutes, a few sessions ago. She apologized. We ended on time because her next client was waiting.I said "that's not fair!" She gave me a couple more minutes but first repeated "it's not fair" and said something about that's the way life is. In a nice way, meaning things happen.

I don't know. All I see is that you are questioning and doubting your feelings more and more, and then feeling guilty when you do have feelings. Is that good? Are you having a chance to address the effect of therapy on your life and mental state?

Granted, it's messy and there is backsliding, but the process and impact of therapy and incidents that arise during session can be a useful topic. Either you get sidetracked away from it or your therapist diverts/ignores it, but these things seem to keep coming up.

Obviously you and your T have a different perception here. If your T doesn't apologize or even mentions something about it in that email, she probably isn't really aware of the effect it has on you. Or maybe even the fact that it was inappropriate. While you, obviously, care a lot about what happened.
I have experienced some similar things and I think that it's important to take your feelings seriously. If it bothers you, it bothers you. But then it's up to you to do something about it (because she clearly doesn't see it the same way you do). You have to bring it up and then it's up to her to try to understand your point of view, to see things through your eyes, and to see where it went wrong. It's hard, but necessary I think.
I've had a hard time doing this and the effect was that it happened over and over again. Because I 'clearly didn't have a problem with it'. Truth was, I did but didn't have what it takes to bring it up. So the frustration built up inside of me and I was the only one responsible for it. We can't expect people to know how we feel without saying it. Until the day I mentioned how I felt... It's all about setting your boundaries.

She apologized as she took the call, and then after the call, so YES, she did apologize. Just want to make that clear.

The Email she sent me last night was unsolicited. I have not Emailed her. But, I intend to before mys ession on Thursday.

I wonder if after having a day to de-stress if it's possible to consider the idea that maybe there was an emotional over-reaction to losing ten minutes of your session? It's a pisser, alright, but is it worth that much upset?

I think it's good for us to question our emotional reactions, whether they're helpful to us or get in our way and if they represent any kind of pattern in our lives that may cause us problems. I do that sort of thing all the time -- basically, I count ten to calm down. Maybe count 100. I happen to be a highly emotional person, with my emotions near the surface and sometimes something will set me off that later ... well, I know I was over-reacting. And then I start asking myself what triggered that big response?

Maybe I'm not as emotional as others here. To me, ten minutes for a personal call from a doctor about a family member would be at most a minor annoyance, unless such things were happening on a regular basis. I do seem to remember that you've posted before about having emotional responses to a few times when something was going on with her daughter.

Could this reaction specifically have something to do with the mother-daughter relationship that particularly brings out emotions? Or is this a feeling of being deprived and it triggers old past feelings of deprivation? Or just being in a bad mood and when this was added on top of the bickering with T it was too much to take? Is it a feeling of being under-valued?

Those are the kinds of questions I ask myself when I've had a big emotional response. To me, getting all bent out of shape when something doesn't go the way I'd like it to go doesn't necessarily serve me well. That's why I ask myself all those questions. I want to self-assess. What's going on with me? Then, back when my T was still alive, I'd talk to him about it and we'd analyze it some more from different angles. My goal was to be free from being tossed around so violently by my emotions.

I was surprised by the angry responses from so many people who found her taking a call from the doctor an intolerable act and you should not be billed etc etc. How many people pay for calls, texts and emails made out of session? Is there room in therapy for some human understanding going in both directions? Or is it all about "you done me wrong and now you have to pay?"

To me, these are serious questions that helped me get at what was making me tick. I had been plagued by "you done me wrong" feelings because, in fact, I had been done terribly wrong when I was too powerless to fight it. Getting rid of that stuff improved my life tremendously. Hence, all my opining here. It's serious stuff.

I wish you the best.

My Therapist has done it as well, it does irritate me sometimes.

Lickety, there is a reason I've finally entered therapy. If I thought rationally, was not over sensitive, and didn't over react, I don't think I'd be in therapy at all.

There are many issues in my life right now....and therapy has been very hard on me. I'm feeling very overwhelmed, and yes, perhaps I over reacted, and yes, I feel like ***** about the whole thing.

Any number of people spend their lives being told to be nice, don't express unpleasant feelings, take it and shut up, don't complain, etc. I think it is good when someone speaks up to a therapist and tells that therapist how they feel about what the therapist did. And it does not have to be nice, correct, pleasant, etc.
So when they speak up about it - it is to be applauded - not criticized for not being nice, or thinking of the therapist and letting it go because the therapist is such a good guy usually or etc. In fact, I believe, therapists themselves set it up so that there is not normal human give and take at appointments. A client gets to tell a therapist when something they do upsets the client regardless of whether that is the nice, polite, be a good girl response or not.

mussinglizzy, My comment wasn't about you or your response at all. It was about your therapist's pattern of behavior. That is what I was commenting on and asking if it was helping you or not. I don't understand what I wrote that made you think I was saying you were being too sensitive. I wouldn't have left that office without making it clear that what she did was inappropriate, especially having to listen to her talk about her daughter's therapy. Just...no.

What If the shoe were on the other foot? What if you sat fiddling with your phone the entire session, staring at it waiting for it to light up because it was on silent? What if you answered a call from your doctor, and spent 10 minutes of your session talking about something just as important and much more related to you, then tuned back in as if there had been no interruption? What would T's reaction have been?

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I'm sorry Lickety, I didn't mean to direct that at you. Wrong name. It was directed towards SnakeCharmer's post. I'm sorry!! You've helped me a lot....in other posts as well.

You told her things you never have before so she probably thinks all is ok. If that had been me I would have shut down for a bit and discussed my feelings then and there. As you carried on and even opened up further she probably sees no wrong.

If her behaviour upset you then you get to feel upset. Tell her next time you would appreciate a warning if she expects a call. It's common courtesy. As for missing 10 mins then ask her if you can have that time another day or apply it to the emails she sends.

StressedMess, whenever I'm in therapy, or a dr. apt, meeting, or anything of the sort, I always put my phone on "airplane mode." That way, I don't even get calls or texts. They show up after I take it off airplane mode. I keep my phone on, should reference to a photo or something I have on my phone pops up and I share it....but my phone is not touched during my therapy session. I try hard never to show anyone any disrespect. My T Emailed me tonight explaining herself (which made me feel bad she was explaining herself...ugh) and she elected not to excuse herself because she trusted me to hear what was going on. She couldn't stay late because she had to pick her daughter up for an appointment.

Lizzy I do the same! As a courtesy (the whistles pings and keyclicks can be quite annoying in and of themselves) but also I'm paying for my session, my T deserves my full attention and I deserve hers. I would not be happy if I got to be privy to T's private call, nor would I be happy that it occurred on my time (and my dime!) but I would never be brave enough to speak up about it. My disappearing-backbone syndrome. . .

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I have been reading the posts and can't help but think this was highly inappropriate, not to say you don't care musinglizzy, or as a mother she should forget she has a sick child at home BUT there are ways to deal professionally with these issues as they crop up, make calls in between clients and ask for a voicemail message to be left with further details or ask for an email, explain that she is about to go into an hr session/meeting and will be uncontactable or to leave the message with her secretary so many options are open all the way to cancelling for the day! Personally I would not be impressed the first time let alone the third, she talks about the love required in therapy for it to be beneficial well she is not showing you love you can't have love if you don't have respect and she clearly showed you no respect!

I take my hat off to you (not sure if that's just an Aussie saying) I think you were composed and an adult about it, you continued your session talked about some particularly difficult issues and were very strong and courageous, so you had a little tanty at the end your T should be grateful you were so grown up and gracious.

I would be annoyed and likely a little hurt if my therapist took a call during our session. There have been a couple of times that she forgot to silence her phone... she got up to turn it off but didn't answer it. It was an interruption and I thought it was rude. I wouldn't talk/be on my phone during our session.

Thanks...we've been Emailing and sort of clearing the air before my next session. BTW, her child, although still a child, is 16. In her defense, she does not have a secretary. She owns her own practice and the only "employees" she has are a couple of other T's in training (LCSW's, etc). I decided to Email her about this tonight, and when she responded, she said she intended to do the same, but I beat her to it. I was uncomfortable about being in the room with this personal phone call, but she did it for my benefit....she didn't want to "hide" anything from me. It takes me awhile to get warmed up to open up, and I just had, then the phone call. Then took me time to warm up again, a little longer....but I did. She couldn't stay late because she had to go to an appt. She regrets not telling me that.

I do think that therapists sometimes have to take an emergency phone call, but I do believe that they should only do this by setting it up ahead of time and letting their client know before the session even begins that he'll be taking the call. And it should NEVER be an ongoing situation.

An example of an agreed upon "emergency phone call" is a therapist working with a client who is in crisis and the therapist has agreed to take a phone call from a psychiatrist working with the client or hospital admitting the client. (Personally, I think, in most cases, even this kind of conversation can be set up at a time other than a client's session time.) If the situation is related to his family and can't be done at ANY other time, he should reschedule the appointment with the client --still painful, but something clients learn to deal with.

When the call comes, the therapist excuses himself and leaves the room to take the call (I would not want to know anything about what is being discussed during the call--everyone, even your therapist's daughter deserves confidentiality! I'd be wondering if my therapist would as casual with my private information if I ever had an emergency and called during a time she was with someone else. She wasn't even protective of her own daughter's confidentiality, how could I believe she'd be vigilant protecting mine?)

When the therapist returns, it is critical that he opens up the conversation to talk about how the client feels about him leaving in the middle of the session. The therapist, at no time during this conversation, becomes defensive. In other words, the conversation is about the clients feelings/reactions to what just happened. It isn't helpful for the therapist to try and explain or excuse his actions. And a really good therapist is aware of this and will even come back to the issue at the next session to just "check in" to see if other feelings or thoughts had festered during the time between sessions. This conversation really needs to take place face-to-face, in session.

I'm not trying to pile on your therapist, musinglizzy, I just think she didn't handle this situation very professionally. She made a mistake and I hope she's able to owe up to it and process it with you. I don't think it's something I'd personally leave a therapist over, but I'd want to have a very open and frank conversation about it with her. I'd want her to really reflect on how SHE would have felt in a similar situation with her own therapist. Hope you guys are able to work it out.

Jaybird, I hadn't even considered the confidentiality thing. Wow. You're right about that. She does talk about her daughter quite a bit, so most of what was said in the phone call I already knew a little about. She had told me because she had to cancel last week....and she knew it was going to be a crucial session she had to cancel. I had planned on touching on that with the next session, but that was the phone call session, so I kind of lost my thoughts. I see her again tomorrow. Hopefully I'm able to talk face to face and just get everything out in the open.