[granite1]

my T is so pushing the how well I am doing thing. does she want me gone ? it is adding to me being completely overwhelmed. nothing fits . nothing I am doing fits with how I am feeling or what she is seeing . I feel fake .im terrified that things will never be better if she sees me as doing so well and making so many good changes .she is not hearing me .at least I don't think she is .things are going to implode if they don't level out in my head and start making sense. she isn't seeing me or im not showing or saying the right things. I feel invisible to her . like she is trying to convince me of something that isn't true.i just wish I had better words then things just are not matching . they are not connected . my head is getting so scattered . yup I am teaching a craft class .yup I am trying to talk and keep the lines of communication (epic failure this week but seemed to go unseen, did she not want to see it) im terrified that I am going to stay in this fragmented unconnected state forever because im all better and I don't know how to do that . im fake

[granite1]

T - the sky is blue
g- no it is red
T - the sky is blue and this is why
g- oh but it still looks red to me
T- but it really is blue I know it may feel red but trust it is blue
g - ok if you insist the sky must be blue and im seeing it wrong
T-you are doing so well to be seeing it as blue
g- wow thanks for being so proud of me I am trying
T- you are doing well
g- F-ing sky is red will always be red and T is crazy but hey she is proud of me and that feels good for a change .so let her think I see the sky as blue. and prey that some day the true color will be shown to me . until then so confused

[BonnieJean]

It can be so hard and confusing not to feel understood especially by t. I'm glad you wrote about it here.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

It can be so hard and confusing not to feel understood especially by t. I'm glad you wrote about it here.

im scared this is it that it will get no better .if my T is correct about things

Granite, it seems like your T is seeing the positive changes you are making in your life and is validating the good choices you are making for yourself. You are hypercritical of yourself, so she is working with you to see and own that you are capable, you are stronger than you ever begin to give yourself credit for. I don't think it is about her not seeing that this is hard for you, that this is outside your usual box, that this is a struggle for you; she knows that AND she knows you know that times a thousand. And I don't think for a minute she is anywhere near saying you are all better and don't need to see her anymore; that's just your fear.

You have this kind of disconnection between how you perceive things and how they really are a lot. And you have a tendency to want your T to see you in the same way you see yourself and don't understand how anyone can see you or your history differently than you see yourself. You do it with your history; you do it with your perception of yourself as a baby. One of your T's big challenges is to help you see beyond the negative perceptions you have of yourself that tend to be very hypercritical based more on fear than reality, into the reality of yourself which is a caring individual who keeps on fighting and IS moving forward despite all the obstacles that have been thrown, and that you yourself psychologically throw, in your way.

As far as feeling fake. I get that. When I started making purposeful changes in my life, it didn't quite feel right. It at times didn't even feel like it was me really making those changes. But over time, it became more comfortable and now I know these changes in my life really are me and I'm really proud of myself. But that odd feeling that it wasn't real I think is pretty normal at a certain stage.

[granite1]

thanks chris .none of it feels ok at all and I am so scared that I am going to be left this way forever. no one has ever been able to help me change this stuff about me . my behaviors yes but this stuff no way . I cant really put into words how it all feels but it makes me just want to give up .

[SnakeCharmer]

Granite, if you'll excuse me being gross for a minute ... I've been extremely proud of people's progress because they used a rest room and flushed afterward instead of pooping in a Big Gulp cup and tossing it into an empty doorway. Progress is gauged on where a person started from, not on how far they still have to go.

It's possible your T is looking at where you started from and at the efforts you've made and she's validating your effort and changes, all the while knowing, along with you, there's a long way to go.

Your opening post says a lot. If you don't know how to express what you're feeling, what you wrote there is strong and profoundly moving. It's a way to make yourself heard if you can express even half of it.

If you're faking it until you make it, well ... at least you're making the effort to make it. It's part of the process of change. I wish you the best.