[Partless]

When I first went for therapy, it seemed I was in the driver's seat. I could decide everything. I wanted change with a specific thing. The therapist seemed hopeful that it was easy to do. But soon it seemed if I changed one thing, I had to change another thing (my feelings, views, thoughts, beliefs, values...), and now, after all these years, the metaphor that comes to my mind is: I went into for an oil change and came out with a rebuilt engine that cost me thousands!

To many that metaphor would make little sense - perhaps I was really messed up beyond words and did require such drastic change - but to a lesser degree, were you taken by surprise by what you were committing to, the kind of major changes that were required? Did you feel like your therapist really explained to you what you were in for, at the start of your journey? If you have felt you've been in charge the whole time and made only the changes you originally wanted, I envy you a little. I kind of look back at my journey and think, I do remember this part of it but this other part...I don't know how that was decided and how I got here!

[catonyx]

Uhm. For me it snowballed into more than originally intended, but in my case that's a good thing. I'd rather not be completely in the driver's seat. I also don't need to know what exactly I'm in for. I find if I know too much I get in my head and am not "in the moment" as much.

I also use it as an outlet to talk about the crappy thoughts I have that I wouldn't want to share with someone I know personally.

Nope. Infact I am
In love with the chance to change 360degs

It was a bit of a surprise for me too, I am not dismayed, just surprised. I thought my therapy was going to be about something completely different to what it is about.

I didn't go in with any idea what would happen, but I can't say I was surprised it required as much change as it did. I knew it was going to require a great deal of change to get my life in line. Didn't know what that would be, but knew it would have to happen and was absolutely determined to do whatever I had to do to get there.

[stopdog]

No but I never wanted just any change. There are a good number of things I will not change. If the trade would be change the things I don't want changed to get to the thing I do - I would choose to not change at all. The parts I might like to be different are not worth changing the things I don't want changed at all.

I went into therapy this time knowing that it was only a matter of time until I killed myself if I did not change something. I was so depressed that being shocked or dismayed by anything was beyond my capacity. I have two kids and really did not want to screw them up so I was willing to make whatever changes were necessary.

[JustShakey]

I wouldn't say I was shocked by the amount of change required, but I was completely blindsided by my own reaction.

When I started therapy I believed I was 100% committed to the process. I knew that things were bad - scratch that, I was hit over the head with a 2x4 with how bad things were. I wanted to be in therapy, I knew I needed to be in therapy. And then, bam! Resistance. I can't even describe it because even though I was there and (I thought) fully present, I can't even remember most of it happening. At best I am aware of blank spots in my memory. Hands down the trippiest experience of my life.

[Soccer mom]

I went in dealing with one issue and then realized how much that one affected EVERYTHING in my life. I guess like the onion analogy of peeling back layer after layer and finding more.
My friends have mentioned how much I've changed and I know I'm much better with my kids. I'm willing to change but didn't realize how hard, painful, sad, etc. it would be. I just want to get better about my time in between sessions and more settled with my relationship with my T. Then, I think it will be a little easier. It has taken so long to trust her.

[FTad]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I wouldn't say I was shocked by the amount of change required, but I was completely blindsided by my own reaction.

When I started therapy I believed I was 100% committed to the process. I knew that things were bad - scratch that, I was hit over the head with a 2x4 with how bad things were. I wanted to be in therapy, I knew I needed to be in therapy. And then, bam! Resistance. I can't even describe it because even though I was there and (I thought) fully present, I can't even remember most of it happening. At best I am aware of blank spots in my memory. Hands down the trippiest experience of my life.

But did you fix your issues?

The best therapist I had told me over and over I was okay the way I am. That helped me SO SO SO much. I hated myself so intensely and blamed myself for everything bad in my life and my family's lives and even stranger's lives that I could barely function. He told me over and over I just needed to see myself the way I really am. I have started doing that a little bit and it has changed so much. It has been hard and quieting those horrible, negative voices in my head is difficult, but just having someone tell me I'm okay the way I am was very healing.

[Partless]

Thanks for sharing your views. I guess I went in there expecting a medical type of solution that's specific and time-limited. Like as if you have bad skin rash and get a cream or two (if first one doesn't work) and that's how you fix the problem (or at least manage the symptoms). So I went in there expecting something similar. I suppose if that time limited CBT had worked, it would have been somewhat similar. Unfortunately it did not. It seemed each symptom was related to another symptom and then you get rid of one and another one takes its place. Like behind the depression was anxiety and behind it PTSD and behind it....

[sherbet]

I started therapy because after years of silence and wanting to be able to speak to someone about what I was actually thinking and what was really going on, I was more than ready. There were times I thought I'd implode from just wanting to say "Hey, I'm hurting." I always thought that if you knew how to talk you knew how to explain what's happening to you...all I needed was an opportunity to be heard.

I was so wrong. I was surprised to discover my complete unawareness of my feelings, a lack of understanding of my needs and desires, and inability to admit the difficult things I never shared with anyone. In retrospect, it makes sense that if you never related to people that way before then you'd lack the skills to do so.

Finally finding myself in therapy after years of wanting it and discovering that I had no idea what to say and how to say it was a disappointment. I was never really able to let my guard down with my first T, but I was finally able to start sharing painful thoughts after 7 months of seeing my second T.

I thought that once I talked about what's bothering it would be cathartic, but I didn't realize just how much work I'd have to do so that I could even start talking and that just talking about it isn't really enough.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by FTad

But did you fix your issues?

'Fix' really isn't the right word... I'm light-years ahead of where I was in terms of awareness now. I'm aware of the conflicts within myself (or some of them at any rate) and I can tolerate them without having to block them from myself all the time. I have changed a lot. I'm functioning much better these days. Still have a ways to go, but I'm getting there.

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[StressedMess]

I'm not sure therapy changed anything for me. I'm pretty sure this is the first time in my life I've ever sunk so low, even in high school when I was emo before the term was coined.

Therapy was supposed to help me figure out what was wrong and help me fix it. So far all I've done is compound the blame/shame/guilt triad and martyr myself in the process. I've lost touch with who I am (if I ever knew!) and who I wished to someday become. Now I've settled for just existing through the end of this day and waking up to slog through the next one.

These are the times I find myself questioning WTF was I thinking? Being unaware, with my head in the sand, letting whatever happened happen; that wasn't so bad! Sure I was depressed but now I'm desolate and very aware of it.

What made me think the ride was worth the price?

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[WrkNPrgress]

For me that change is exactly what put me IN the driver's seat. I certainly hope I change. That's what I'm in it for!

[archipelago]

I went into therapy clueless. I had no idea about what it was all about and was not all that convinced that it was worth doing. I wanted to stop hurting, but didn't think of it in terms of change at all.

What has happened is a deep and lasting change. I have become very different in so many ways that I don't feel like the same person. When I realized how powerful this was, I started taking it up as a focus and becoming more active in selecting areas that I wanted to work on. And the commitment to the hard work came after I saw how significant change was possible.