[rainbow8]

My T was wearing contact lenses today. For the first time. It threw me off, so she wanted to talk about why. I said I was afraid of changes and that maybe she's going to move away.

I didn't want to tell her more but I emailed it. I'm afraid she's slipping away from me! She's starting a new life for herself and I'm jealous, but also scared that maybe she'll meet someone from another state and leave. She's also slipping away emotionally. I don't think she cares about me so much. This may be transference about my father remarrying and becoming close to his new family. I know my T is still my T, but she's changing. We talked about how I don't like changes.

I was used to her in her glasses. She's becoming too sophisticated for me. I didn't tell her that. I don't want her to change!

I know this seems silly and unrealistic, but I see my T as someone different now. Someone powerful. We also talked about how I see myself as helpless, and how I can do things I want to do even if my H doesn't want to do them. I want to get passports so we can travel to Canada, so we made a plan, in therapy, that I'd get our photos taken by next week. I stopped at the P.O. to get the forms we need, on the way home. In my session, I said it will probably be too late to travel this summer, and she said it doesn't matter. Just get the passports.

So my session was not SE; it was about me complaining about my life, and about her suggesting changes, and telling me I'm not helpless.

I have to live in the real world. Maybe marriage was one way all my life, but I can still change it.

I said it's hard, and she agreed. I'd like to stay in my fantasy world but that doesn't work anymore. I'm in-between. Still, I'm triggered by her contacts! Yes, I want her to be happy, but the changes affect me even though she's my T and I'm her job, and all of that stuff I know....

[Miswimmy1]

I can totally relate. T1 was the opposite. she got glasses and that threw me off for a while. But eventually I adjusted. Maybe you just have to give it time?

[rainbow8]

You're right about the contacts. It's just that she's doing it because she's getting divorced. She's changing. I can see it, and I'm happy for her, but sad for me. The changes scare me! I have to make my own changes, but I'm not going to leave my H.

[skysblue]

I find it interesting how we fear change but change happens no matter what. We can't stop change. Learning how to welcome and embrace change is a good goal. Much better than learning how to endure it.

I think if we examine where our fear originates when it relates to change, we might be better able to adjust. What IS the fear exactly?

Do we believe unconsciously that change will lead to death? I remember once when my T was leaving on vacation when I was so attached to her and my emotions were out of whack, I realized that my emotional self believed I might die if she wasn't available to me.

Could there be something so primal in our subconscious that could affect our emotions so strongly? Maybe. Maybe not.

I like to dig deep and deeper to try to find core and possibly archetypal explanations for my painful emotions (and pleasant emotions also).

Existential angst can explain a lot. Simple solutions not readily available though.

[ECHOES]

Divorce is hard. Perhaps she's getting contacts as a way of boosting her mood, to feel better. Or as a metaphor for choosing to see things differently (through contacts).

I reacted to my T getting a different style of glasses a few years ago. It was like she wasn't the same person! Intellectually I knew she was, but it was unsettling to have her look different. I think that by modernizing her glasses, and appearance, she seemed more "now" and less my idealization of her.

It takes time to get used to change, and you will. But for now, here's hugs to you because it is hard an it is unsettling!

[unaluna]

So just say it. Say it's probably transference and stuff, but now she's too cute and for sure she'll never be your girlfriend, and that bums you out. Then you figure out together what the transference behind that is. That's how me and my t deal with my digs against his girlfriends and vacations or whatever.

[venusss]

fear of change... reminds me of Pat of Silver Bush series by L.M. Montgomery. Spoiler... everything... everything changes for her in the end and she's lucky her sweatheart of younger days still wants her, heh.

and... you never had passport? Time to change that. Really. Going to see places doesn't have to be that expensive.... and who knows it might help.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

fear of change... reminds me of Pat of Silver Bush series by L.M. Montgomery. Spoiler... everything... everything changes for her in the end and she's lucky her sweatheart of younger days still wants her, heh.

and... you never had passport? Time to change that. Really. Going to see places doesn't have to be that expensive.... and who knows it might help.

Thanks for replying, VenusHalley. We do have passports but they expired so we have to get new photos and renew them. I'm scared of flying, but oh, well. I've done it before so I'll do it again, I hope.

[venusss]

flying is only small part of the trip... hate it too, but oh well.

try to remember more people die cause of donkey accidents than in planes. At least I been told that by my pilot friend.

[Perna]

I don't see silly and unrealistic, I see so much growth and change in you, too, rainbow!

I like to think about change (but don't like it either :-) and the difference between when I would leave my friends and move versus when someone at work would quit and I'd be left, etc. It sounds to me like not only your T is changing with her contacts and sophistication but you are too, actually working on getting the passports and going on the trip, etc.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I find it interesting how we fear change but change happens no matter what. We can't stop change. Learning how to welcome and embrace change is a good goal. Much better than learning how to endure it.

I think if we examine where our fear originates when it relates to change, we might be better able to adjust. What IS the fear exactly?

Do we believe unconsciously that change will lead to death? I remember once when my T was leaving on vacation when I was so attached to her and my emotions were out of whack, I realized that my emotional self believed I might die if she wasn't available to me.

Could there be something so primal in our subconscious that could affect our emotions so strongly? Maybe. Maybe not.

I like to dig deep and deeper to try to find core and possibly archetypal explanations for my painful emotions (and pleasant emotions also).

Existential angst can explain a lot. Simple solutions not readily available though.

Thanks, skysblue. I think for me, the fear is that my T is going to leave me. So it's fear of the unknown, when people leave. I do sort of feel like I'm going to die without my T. Maybe not die, but feel totally despondent for a long time. Change is scary! I like to dig deeper too!

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Divorce is hard. Perhaps she's getting contacts as a way of boosting her mood, to feel better. Or as a metaphor for choosing to see things differently (through contacts).

I reacted to my T getting a different style of glasses a few years ago. It was like she wasn't the same person! Intellectually I knew she was, but it was unsettling to have her look different. I think that by modernizing her glasses, and appearance, she seemed more "now" and less my idealization of her.

It takes time to get used to change, and you will. But for now, here's hugs to you because it is hard an it is unsettling!

Thanks for understanding, ECHOES. I thought people would think I'm being silly. I think my T is fine, better than before. I can tell she wanted this divorce, and she's free now. Maybe I'm projecting how I would be, but my situation is different. I've got to work within my marriage. I identify her getting contacts as part of her "new life". It's threatening to me, and your're right, it's hard and unsettling!

Originally Posted by hankster

So just say it. Say it's probably transference and stuff, but now she's too cute and for sure she'll never be your girlfriend, and that bums you out. Then you figure out together what the transference behind that is. That's how me and my t deal with my digs against his girlfriends and vacations or whatever.

I don't know about this, hankster. It's not that she'll never be my girlfriend; it's that she's stronger than I am, and she's moving on in her life. That's the transference part. She's "leaving" me. I'm left behind. She may even leave the city, but she told me she has no plans to do that. But anything can happen. It's the NOT KNOWING that's also upsetting.
I appreciate your bluntness, though!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

try to remember more people die cause of donkey accidents than in planes. At least I been told that by my pilot friend.

LOL! I'd never heard that one. snopes.com: Donkey Deaths

I don't like to fly now that I'm older; both my husband and myself are obese and have medical problems so I have to pay for business/first class tickets and that's often more than the hotels, etc., like half the cost of the trip sometimes!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's the NOT KNOWING that's also upsetting.

Rainbow, can you share what it is that IS KNOWN for sure? The fact is that we don't know what's going to happen in the next second let alone in the next month or year with us, with anyone, with anything.

NOTHING is known except it's guaranteed we'll die - we just don't know when.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Rainbow, can you share what it is that IS KNOWN for sure? The fact is that we don't know what's going to happen in the next second let alone in the next month or year with us, with anyone, with anything.

NOTHING is known except it's guaranteed we'll die - we just don't know when.

I think that's the problem. Your post is depressing but it's the truth. I'm scared now; my grandson is having a procedure in the hospital starting soon, today, under general anesthesia, to prepare for heart surgery in the summer. I hate not knowing. It makes me scared and depressed. Anything can happen. Life is precious, and getting older is depressing too. Lots of my contemporaries are dying in their 60's, though my Dad lived until 95, my Mom didn't. I'm afraid.....

Lest people wonder, I'm not in the hospital with them now. Maybe later. It's an all day thing. I love my grandson and he's more important than my T to me!!!!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T was wearing contact lenses today. For the first time. It threw me off, so she wanted to talk about why. I said I was afraid of changes and that maybe she's going to move away.

I didn't want to tell her more but I emailed it. I'm afraid she's slipping away from me! She's starting a new life for herself and I'm jealous, but also scared that maybe she'll meet someone from another state and leave. She's also slipping away emotionally. I don't think she cares about me so much. This may be transference about my father remarrying and becoming close to his new family. I know my T is still my T, but she's changing. We talked about how I don't like changes.

I was used to her in her glasses. She's becoming too sophisticated for me. I didn't tell her that. I don't want her to change!

I know this seems silly and unrealistic, but I see my T as someone different now. Someone powerful. We also talked about how I see myself as helpless, and how I can do things I want to do even if my H doesn't want to do them. I want to get passports so we can travel to Canada, so we made a plan, in therapy, that I'd get our photos taken by next week. I stopped at the P.O. to get the forms we need, on the way home. In my session, I said it will probably be too late to travel this summer, and she said it doesn't matter. Just get the passports.

So my session was not SE; it was about me complaining about my life, and about her suggesting changes, and telling me I'm not helpless.

I have to live in the real world. Maybe marriage was one way all my life, but I can still change it.

I said it's hard, and she agreed. I'd like to stay in my fantasy world but that doesn't work anymore. I'm in-between. Still, I'm triggered by her contacts! Yes, I want her to be happy, but the changes affect me even though she's my T and I'm her job, and all of that stuff I know....

I can certainly relate to this, although it wasn't contacts, it was make up at the time. And yes, change can be so difficult to accept and sometimes it seems that's life constantly moving forward! The best!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Rainbow, can you share what it is that IS KNOWN for sure? The fact is that we don't know what's going to happen in the next second let alone in the next month or year with us, with anyone, with anything.

NOTHING is known except it's guaranteed we'll die - we just don't know when.

For darn sure, that's an immutable fact!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

flying is only small part of the trip... hate it too, but oh well.

try to remember more people die cause of donkey accidents than in planes. At least I been told that by my pilot friend.

use to have to have something for my nerves before flying, tho I knew this intellectually. Hate turbulence in general, I guess!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think that's the problem. Your post is depressing but it's the truth. I'm scared now; my grandson is having a procedure in the hospital starting soon, today, under general anesthesia, to prepare for heart surgery in the summer. I hate not knowing. It makes me scared and depressed. Anything can happen. Life is precious, and getting older is depressing too. Lots of my contemporaries are dying in their 60's, though my Dad lived until 95, my Mom didn't. I'm afraid.....

Lest people wonder, I'm not in the hospital with them now. Maybe later. It's an all day thing. I love my grandson and he's more important than my T to me!!!!

"I hate not knowing", you write. So, you want to know the date and time of death? That would make you feel better?

The truth is is that for peace of mind, we MUST find some way to accept that we're not for this world forever. Different people find different ways to learn to live with this fact. Without a kind of acceptance, life could be one of constant dread - like what you feel now.

Maybe if you look for your own personal understanding of the life/death issue, you may resolve the painful issues with your T.

[tinyrabbit]

I totally hear you on this, Rainbow, I'd feel really freaked out if my T swapped his glasses for contacts. One thing that occurs to me: have you heard of object constancy? Part of trusting our Ts is believing they are constant and there even when we can't see them.

If they change how they look, that can shake us a bit as a result.

[likelife]

Thinking of you and your grandson.

[Brightheart]

I hope all goes well with your grandson. (((hugs)))

Rainbow, did you read the attachment link I posted in our social group? I also fear separation, loss, abandonment, the unknown, and aloneness... I think these fears really go back to the fears I experienced as a child when I learned to attach in an anxious insecure way. We learn what is modeled for us, so I am having to go back and learn now, as an adult, how to practice self-care.

How is self-care going for you? Are you being compassionate with yourself? I hope so.

Thinking of you today.

[Perna]

We knew soon after the granddaughter was born that she was going to have heart surgery when she was 5, they did it when she was 4 and everything turned out great! Hope you have that experience with your grandson. We still joke (she's just turned 9 so doesn't quite get why it's so funny) about her waking up from the anesthesia and "complaining", ending with the statement, "This is the worst hotel I've ever stayed at!" She was 4, remember, and not in the habit of staying at hotels very often

[unaluna]

Perna that is so precious!! here I go again!

[ECHOES]

rainbow, I am thinking of you and your family. I trust that your grandson is in very capable and loving hands

It is hard not knowing, yes. I have a relative who we knew at age 2 would need a multiple organ transplant as a young adult. That happened this past year, and all went very well and that's behind us now, after being a persistent shadow in the room for many years.

[purplemystery]

I know how you feel. My therapist had medium-long hair for two 2.5 years, always tied back in the same ponytail. Then one day she had cut her hair very short, to just below her ears. It was difficult to get used to, and I also felt similarly that she was somehow a different person. I pondered what could have been going on internally for her to make such a change after having the same hairstyle for years. If I had the kind of background information about a divorce that you have, I'm sure it would have bothered me even more. Maybe it's because we want stability. I'm glad you were able to talk to your T about her contacts though- it can be a potentially difficult conversation to have. Any sort of big physical change like that is symbolic of the fact that our T's are not static, and are always changing somewhat. However, I have actually come to like my T's hair after awhile, and I hope that in time you will come to like your T's contacts!