Language, language

I am having trouble describing to my T what I feel - I just don't seem to have the words, let alone the sentences. I would be interested to know how others have dealt with this - I surely cannot be alone.

My T suggested one word at a time, here goes; unfocussed, listless, paralysed...

Thanks in advance.

Have you done any journaling? It might help you focus. I had to listen very hard to my doc who seemed unable to understand me when we talked about symptoms to discover what words he liked. He needed me to use words like he used them, to quantify everything. It worked like this: I journaled about all aspects of what I was experiencing, then distilled it down into a brief synopsis.
I could relay a symptom then very briefly describe how it presents. Once I figured out how He talks, our communication became easier. I made the effort because he is one of the best docs in the country and I didn't want to waste his time or mine not communicating. In your case a word like unfocused; what does that mean to you? Figure it out for yourself, use as many ways to describe it to yourself so you can tell him later.

Some version of this might work for you. Best of luck

The depth of my despair is so deep no words describe it. So I no longer try... Rather, I sit quietly with them with lovingkindness and compassion. An author whose work I appreciate, Parker J. Palmer, has written that some hurts are so deep no words are sufficient to describe them... or to provide comfort...

I send warm wishes your way... that you may find the words you need...

I agree that journaling would probably be the best way. Maybe make an outline of feelings that you have and then elaborate, then take it with you when you go in for your appointments.

Best wishes, Gayle
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There are authors who are able to describe what I can't. I sometimes use their words and images.

I've also found that it depends very much on the therapist. My current T understands what I mean. ExT didn't.

When young, I couldn't describe my feelings, so I found a list of emotional words. It helped. Not everything I felt was on the list I used, but I viewed it as a starting place.

Over time, I discovered much of what I felt was paradoxical -- freezing hot, screamingly silent, despairingly happy, enraged peace. Does that make any sense at all? Nope. I just let it flow, accepted it, said, huh?

The word list was shallow compared to what I felt inside, but it allowed me to use words that other people could comprehend to give them a small glimpse of at least the tone of my feelings.

I agree with Skeezyks, some wounds and feelings are too deep to put into words, all we can do is sit with them, accept them with compassion and let them flow away. I seldom try to describe my feelings any longer, but if necessary I can now use words that others can begin to comprehend on a surface level. And that's an okay place to start.

Here's a long list of both positive and negative English language words to describe emotions, feelings and tone. I also needed a list to describe physical sensation. For me, certain negative emotions trigger physical sensations which are an important part of the mix.

List of Adjectives to Describe Tone and Feelings and Emotions

When I have words I journal - but usually there is no way to actually verbalize my pain/hurt/etc so I tell her that there aren't words and she understands and says sometimes there aren't words that describe what we feel.

This. Love. This. Makes 100% sense to me. Thanks!

I finally told my T. that I didn't have the words to describe my feelings - just the basics: sad, mad, happy, etc. She gave me a feelings list. After posting here, someone shared a feelings wheel. It helped me realize what basic feeling my other feelings let to. THe feelings list gave me words to put to my emotions.

One night I was writing in my journal and wrote "I think...", scratched it out, got my feelings list and wrote "I feel....". As I saw the words to chose from, the tears flowed and I got a lot out. It's almost like I wasn't connecting the feeling TO a word.

If I don't use basic feeling words, I also tend to use paradoxical terms too. One that comes to mind is drowning in air; not drowning in water or suffocating.

Another way to convey feelings is to describe a situation (even if the situation is different than what you're experiencing), using poetry, music, movies, stories, etc. I know some people here use art.

Have to be careful with art. I showed my T some of my art once. It was metal embossing of a dead tree, another a dying rose, and another a vortex into a black hole. By no means was I trying to convey sadness or depression, but it sure came off that way. I just wanted her to see examples of my art and I happened to pick those 3 Next session I made sure to bring in my uplifting art

The Guest House - Poem by Jelalludin Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

Rumi has a great poem called "The Guest House" (I've seen multiple books and university counseling sites reference the poem as well) where he talks about letting different emotions come into your home and you entertain them no matter who or what they are. I think if you're willing to let them in, by choice, then you acknowledge them one by one.

I write poetry sometimes myself cause I tried journaling, which worked for a bit, but ended up talking about everything BUT. So it became too time consuming and OCD thing for me. If it works for you, do it. But if it doesn't, just say the words as you saying now. Or alternatively, do what I do, write poetry (ha, that's even harder, you might say!)

One of the nice things about poetry is that you use metaphors regularly. Sometimes this works both ways, like you use metaphors not to say what's on your mind but also it works the other way, in that you get closer to truth of your feelings by comparing it to things, if the actual feelings are too threatening or confusing to express in the first place.

Here's an example. I had a pretty difficult day when I went over to mom's place yesterday, had a nightmare last night and woke up today feeling extremely tense and in discomfort. Here's a poem I wrote:

I'm a bowl
to you;
only needed
when hungry,
forgotten,
when full.
I sit alone
in cupboard,
in darkness.
But I'm growing
arms and legs.
This might frighten you,
and it has frightened me,
but I think tomorrow
I might pour
hot soup, in me,
and for the first time
enjoy
from my own
warmth.

During last session I had hard time describing a person to my t. She kept asking what kind of person is he and all I could say "he is just regular and normal". Whatever that means I had it in my head but couldn't describe all I could say was that he is normal. I was annoyed with myself

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Does your T do sand play therapy? My t is certified in sand play and I found that very useful when I didn't have words for anything. those times when I just didn't have words I'd do a sand tray, she'd stand quietly nearby just watching, not saying anything, and then when I was done we'd talk about what I'd made in the sand.

Many thanks for all input - I have got off to a good start, with first words, then phrases and now as Partless says even snatches of (very bad) verse (my verse is bad, not Partless' of course). And I have captured an awful lot to work on with trying to match up the cognitive distortions, and I think things below the cognitive distortions, but I have not yet found the words for that.

Thanks again.

Writing it out before therapy always helps me.

Also, before I knew the words "trauma" or "PTSD" or "flashback," I had to rely on metaphor.

"I feel like I'm standing next to a cliff and if the wind changes slightly, I might blow over."

"I feel like I'm standing next to a pit and if I look inside, I might die."

It turns out, I had a lot of unexpressed grief. I had no idea that word -- "unexpressed grief."

And I had PTSD from abuse. But I didn't even know that until I said to my T, "To this day, I can't (do X normal activity) because I panic thinking that (Y will happen.)"

Do metaphors help?

I think there is actually clinical language to help but I needed a therapist to help me.

Another example. I had a bad therapist. And I was trying to describe a traumatic event in my past. (But again, I didn't know to use the word trauma.) So I said to the therapist, "Something HAPPENED to me. Like it changed me drastically and something huge HAPPENED and I can't describe it, but I know it affects me to this day."

The therapist sucked and had no idea what I was talking about and gave me some lame answer that I knew was not true.

My second therapist, in the VERY FIRST session, said, "That was a trauma, like in a normal situation that would be trauma, but with your case it was like trauma times 10."

I went home, Googled "trauma," and realized - AHA this is what plagues me!

...Another time, I had this out-of-body feeling as if someone else were living my life. I had NO IDEA about the word "dissociation." I didn't have the language for it.

So I kept saying, "I don't feel like myself. As if there is this other person carrying out the motions of my life and I am just watching."

Later, I found that I was dissociated much of the time and that I do have some degree of multiplicity of personality. (I think we all do.)

Looooong way of saying that maybe it's OK to not find the exact perfect word, but instead to describe the feelings in terms of metaphor, using the words you know. The more you describe, the better!

Sometimes I really still like metaphors better than the "real" words... they actually feel more real and personal to me? There certainly isn't a *right* way to express yourself, you can do it however you want to (especially in therapy)...

I think sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel to someone else. It is like explaining the color red to a blind person. You may want to start with the way your body feels and go from there. If you feel tense then you may be anxious, if your heart is pounding then you have be afraid, but however you may really feel nothing at all. I don't know your race or gender, but that can hinder you being able to feel and express emotions as well.

I'm curious what you mean by that. Like presumably men having tougher times get in touch with their emotions and expressing them, given their biology and gender role? Then about race?

Totally. I remember the early in counselling. What's the problem? I'm confused. ABout what? Everything?

It's taken me years to identify my feelings better, an >50 years, I'm still working at it, with a vengeance most recently. Meditation helps a lot. I'm sure there are quite a few other emotional awareness and conceptualization methods.

Language is imperfect, but the challenge in bending and shaping language brings its own rewards. Maybe the issue isn't just language, but that your internal sense of feeling and meaning doesn't match with the words most use? For me, it was a challenge relearning language because my experience of emotional language developed in my childhood was so full of contradictions: it hurts, but is good for you; love is abuse; happiness is selfishness; crying is weakness; pleasure is shameful, etc.

As infants we learn about our feelings by seeing them reflected in our parents' faces. If that doesn't happen, or the parent's expression is imposed on the child, it impacts us.

What helped me counter these lessons was learning to read very young and developing reading skills far ahead of my grade level, and watching TV. It gave me more words, engaged my imagination, and gave me visual info to understand what "normal" expressed emotions looked like. I had to learn it all like a foreign language. I learned in therapy that it was ok to show expression because showing emotions was either punished or shamed as a child. So I guess I'm saying that it can be a process that has many layers to explore.