I saw a consult T this week and now am suddenly having intense separation anxiety about the possibility of leaving my therapist. I haven't talked with him about it yet. I was too scared to talk with him about the consult this week, couldn't get myself to even meet with him and couldn't stop crying. Then I became numb. Now I'm panicking.... My therapist is on vacation this week. I didn't even think of this when arranging the consultation.

Next session we'll discuss this, but right now I am freaking out. I know these are feelings from the past--it is completely irrational that I feel like I'm going to die if we separate.

I met with this consult therapist only one time so far. He was extremely helpful and understanding, and now I'm fighting urges to contact him to talk with him about everything that's going through my mind. I can't just start calling this guy....Help

[Petra5ed]

I don't know if I have any good advice, but when the **** hits the fan in my therapy I write about it and write about it, and then I bring it into my next session and read about it. Sometimes just airing it out is all I need to feel better.

Thanks, I'm just going to talk about it here. Who else in the world understands feeling like you're going to die from just thoughts of leaving a therapist???

Anxiety meds are at the pharmacy. I feel so agoraphobic now, a little paranoid, like I can't leave the house.

I could really use some chocolate. The only thing even close in the house is peanut butter. I feel so pathetic.

My child parts are so in love with him.

[rainbow8]

I understand! I just posted a thread about my T being away. I feel unsettled and achy.

Maybe it means you really don't want to leave your T. Why did you consult with another one? I don't see anything wrong with seeing him again either. And, yes our past keeps coming up to haunt us, doesn't it?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe it means you really don't want to leave your T. Why did you consult with another one?

Yes, I want things to work out so badly with him. I just don't think it's going to happen.

I don't think he cares about me that much or even likes me as a person. He's emotionally unavailable with me, which makes it feel like it was with my parents (both felt like strangers to me). It feels like i'm being re-traumatized in many ways. I've tried to tell him several times now that it feels harmful to me.

We agreed to do more supportive therapy, but nothing has really changed. And he rejects me over and over again. Then my child parts go back inside. Then he'll be sweet for a moment, the child parts come out. Theln he'll be rejecting or distant. They go back inside and hide from the world.

I've never had an ending like this with a therapist. It feels like a massive rejection, in terms of the whole thing. IT feels like my mother rejecting me for being born. The feelings are the same. It actdually feels devastating for it to end like this.

I just can't take it anymore. I told him last session that I couldn't tolerate it...when I couldn't even meet with him. He called me and I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't stop crying.

He said to me-now I forgot. I wrote it last night. He said either "you're saying i'm not the right therapist for you" (he's been saying that a lot lately) or he said that I "am perceiving it to be this way"... I actually forget right now.

No kind words, no understanding. No comfort. Just intellectdualizations. Interpretations.

Adding-I am so incredibly angry about it right now. I can't think of anything else but fleeing. If I tell him all this, yes, working through this would be good, but he will still be emotionally distant and not care aobut me. So what's the point of being in a relationship like that? My self worth couldn't be lower. I need someone to help build it up. I need reconstructed. I've already been torn down...defenses dismantled. Stripped of everything.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry I had forgotten you posted about your situation. It does sound like it's not a good fit with your T, or maybe not the right orientation. I used to see a T who helped me in a lot of ways, but she refused to acknowledge child parts who were hurting. After 6 years, I left her for my current T who is compassionate and accepts all of my parts. It hurts to leave a T but it can provide you with the chance to have a better outcome.

[Middlemarcher]

I wish I knew something to say that would help. But I'm reading and sending hugs. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. This is rough stuff.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry I had forgotten you posted about your situation. It does sound like it's not a good fit with your T, or maybe not the right orientation. I used to see a T who helped me in a lot of ways, but she refused to acknowledge child parts who were hurting. After 6 years, I left her for my current T who is compassionate and accepts all of my parts. It hurts to leave a T but it can provide you with the chance to have a better outcome.

I'm glad things are working out for you Rainbow, and thank you for sharing.

I told the consult T that I think he's a really good therapist. I like him and respect him as a person. That makes it even more difficult. He is probably well suited for those who prefer some emotional distance. But not me--i want to be closer to him ALL the time.

I've seen articles and book chapters he's written online, and he sounds like a different therapist for others. It hurts so bad that he wants to be so distant from me. It hurts.

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I wish I knew something to say that would help. But I'm reading and sending hugs. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. This is rough stuff.

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness.

If I felt he believed in me, things might be OK. But he never shows that he does...

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

Yes, I want things to work out so badly with him. I just don't think it's going to happen.

I don't think he cares about me that much or even likes me as a person. He's emotionally unavailable with me, which makes it feel like it was with my parents (both felt like strangers to me). It feels like i'm being re-traumatized in many ways. I've tried to tell him several times now that it feels harmful to me.

We agreed to do more supportive therapy, but nothing has really changed. And he rejects me over and over again. Then my child parts go back inside. Then he'll be sweet for a moment, the child parts come out. Theln he'll be rejecting or distant. They go back inside and hide from the world.

I've never had an ending like this with a therapist. It feels like a massive rejection, in terms of the whole thing. IT feels like my mother rejecting me for being born. The feelings are the same. It actdually feels devastating for it to end like this.

I think you said before that he is a blank slate type of T? So the theory seems to go that our childhood issues come out. My T is the same and my childhood issues seem so real in the context of our relationship (I was finding my T domineering, overpowering, my 'self' is crushed, my feelings pathetic, my opinions ridiculous). As you know I've been considering quitting my T because of it. I have a feeling that my Ts other clients don't find her to be so, and I have decided to stay with her. However to say that my T is not as I see her denies my reality and I am hoping to be able to challenge her in the moment whenever I feel these things (when I have done this I have found that she did not intend me to take the meaning I did from her words, the problem is I have such brain lag that I don't usually process things in the moment, so don't feel my feelings till after the session).

I too felt a huge loss when I decided to quit, perhaps because I was angry and these issues were unresolved. I know what a hard decision it is.

I would call it more 'neutral', but yes, it can be blank slate.
But it's never consistent.

One day he told me his childhood dreams. One time he sent me a really sentimental email about the gifts I sent him. So I know this is not his personality. And like I mentioned earlier, I see that he is different in therapy with others. That's what makes it feel 100 times worse, that he distances himself from me when I know that is not how his 'real life' personality is.

I think I would be ok with blank slate if corrective emotional experiences follow. Because it truly does bring my issues to surface--and much more intensely than otherwise. But the whole felt experience is missing. There have been some connecting times, but like I mentioned earlier in this thread, when I tell him how this is killing me, he responds with intellectualizations. I need SOME caring, SOME corrective emotional experiences in order to heal.

Damn I've intellectualized for too many years; it was unhealthy; I LOVE feeling intensely and getting back my feeling passionately...I want to feel more like myself again, like when the child parts come out.....not an offspring of Spock!!!!!

What makes you feel angry about leaving? I mentioned some things but am interested in your take.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think you said before that he is a blank slate type of T? So the theory seems to go that our childhood issues come out. My T is the same and my childhood issues seem so real in the context of our relationship (I was finding my T domineering, overpowering, my 'self' is crushed, my feelings pathetic, my opinions ridiculous). As you know I've been considering quitting my T because of it. I have a feeling that my Ts other clients don't find her to be so, and I have decided to stay with her. However to say that my T is not as I see her denies my reality and I am hoping to be able to challenge her in the moment whenever I feel these things (when I have done this I have found that she did not intend me to take the meaning I did from her words, the problem is I have such brain lag that I don't usually process things in the moment, so don't feel my feelings till after the session).

I too felt a huge loss when I decided to quit, perhaps because I was angry and these issues were unresolved. I know what a hard decision it is.

Have you really seen how he is with others or is that just from things he's written? I had a therapist who writes a lot about her practice (equine therapy) and she seems really wonderful and intuitive and engaged with clients in her written version, but is not at all like that in person. She apparently had/has an idealized version of herself and her abilities as a therapist. Maybe that's the case here?

If you actually know other clients, or have seen him with them, then that would be different. I would love to see how my current (good) therapist is with other clients. Maybe. It might also be painful.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Have you really seen how he is with others or is that just from things he's written? I had a therapist who writes a lot about her practice (equine therapy) and she seems really wonderful and intuitive and engaged with clients in her written version, but is not at all like that in person. She apparently had/has an idealized version of herself and her abilities as a therapist. Maybe that's the case here?

If you actually know other clients, or have seen him with them, then that would be different. I would love to see how my current (good) therapist is with other clients. Maybe. It might also be painful.

So for example, there was an article or book(?) where he said he called and checked on his patients. He never did that with me. THat's just one example but there is a lot.

I realize therapists have to be different with different clients, but it's everything added up..

Interesting insight about your former therapist. I've mentioned something similar to him before but not quite. But he is wonderful in many ways....

The panic went away. I got my script too. Now i'm feeling gigantically sad.

After processing everything with my consult T, I've had some thoughts about changes in our relational dynamics that occurred over the past 2 months that may lead to insights about resolution in some areas. Maybe this all can be worked out after all?

the primary reason I sort of defaulted to having to change therapists is because he keeps saying "you're saying you think I'm not the right therapist for you"; "have you ever thought that I might not be the right therapist for you". I am so upset over his saying that all the time and feel very angry about it. Wouldn't that bother many of the insecurely attached if those words came from anyone you were in an attachment relationship with??? Last time he asked me "have you ever thought I might not be the right therapist for you", I did tell him that I was starting to wonder lately if I should be looking for a new therapist. After that, the very next session, he was really sweet. My child parts were so excited!! Then the session after, it was back to normal, err..neutral.

If he didn't say those things, i'm not sure if I ever would have consulted with another. Yet, I didn't even tell the consult T about this. It was one session, and there was so much to say. I might just ask him for another session but want to talk to my therapist first.

It kind of makes me mad that the consult therapist didn't even suggest to work things out even after telling him I thought my therapist was a good T, I was attached to him, and I like him. I kind of wanted him to encourage me to work things out. So I think I was really blindsided over that.

Also feeling bad about discussing this here without talking to my therapist first. I feel really bad about that. It doesn't feel right. I guess I just couldn't wait because the panic overtook me.

Don't feel bad. I think we all (or most) have a need to put things out there just to hear it, but it doesn't represent the whole of it. If that makes sense.

Does anyone have positive thoughts about this working out somehow? No one seemed to convey any hopeful thoughts about our relationship.

It might seem like I'm grasping for straws now, but I still feel that sense of dying.

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's not that I don't have positive thoughts, so much as I have no way of telling from the comments you've shared what he means. I only know that this has upset you.

Well I guess none of us can know, you included if things will work out positively, but I think it is possible they will. i think the sentence 'have you ever thought I may not be the right therapist for you' was quite probably not him making a suggestion (did he say those actual words? With my T I have found that I have paraphrased what she said to me and changed it slightly and altered the meaning). It is more likely he was asking if that is what you were thinking? You have the sense that he is a good T, so it is likely you will be able to talk about this al and eventually reach an understanding. Therapy is full of ruptures, and maybe the ruptures are the most important bit, if we leave at the ruptures we'll be leaving at the best bit.

[Middlemarcher]

There are cases on here where it seems very clear cut to me that the T relationship is not going to work out. This is not one of those cases. Perhaps your T can modify to accommodate you, or reassure you with what you need to hear. Perhaps you will get to a point where your wants/needs will change, and the relationship will work. I think it's quite possible, but it's hard to know exactly what's happening & what will happen.

In the past, when I've felt I've needed reassurances from my T, I've had to push for it, to get past the interpretations, reflective listening, etc. I told her once something that I saw Illegal Toilet post here-- "I'm drowning and you're describing the water." I told her that I was well aware of all possible facets of the blasted water, and what I needed was some reassurance-- a reminder that I know how to swim, some encouragement that she believes I can make it to shore, some praise for my ability to tread water in the meantime, something. I told her that if someone in her outward life told her about difficulties s/he was having, I figured that she wouldn't go into T mode, she would be a sympathetic, supportive human being, and that I needed more human & less T. It ended up helping. I hope that something similar can work out for you.

(((Middlemarcher)))

I love the example about drowning-yes, that's EXACTLY it!

thanks for that, and for offering your thoughtful opinions. Of course no one knows, but it's the insights, intuitions, and intellect that I was interested in hearing from you all this time around.

It really helped to read the feedback in this thread. Between writing here, the consult Ts advice, and my own reflection, I've processed a lot. I've come to the conclusion, and that it is that anger has surfaced and has risen to the forefront. He's been wanting to work through my anger for awhile now, but it never came out before...trapped by an introject..Now it's seeping out of every crack! I think it will be worthwhile to work through it; then again, I wonder if the Spock factor will remain...

Don't know if things are going to work, but I really like my T so it's worth another chance. We'll see next week when I meet with him.

I was recently watching a youtube video about borderline, and Marsha Linehan mentioned that separation feels LITERALLY like life and death. Fits in with all of this pretty well, good timing. Still enormously sad.

eta-"it" is one part of it...but a big part of it

I am so glad you sorted it out. It all seemed much too easy for anyone of us on the outside to mess up with the wrong interpretation. Thanks for the update. Please post how it goes.