[archipelago]

I'm at a kind of turning point, having done some intense work, and then having time off while my therapist was away. But I start up sessions again this week and am torn between two things I could take up and could use some other viewpoints.

One thing that has come up is anger. I am experiencing going from irritability to frustration to anger to even rage in a rather quick sequencing. Then since I am not good with anger (who is?) I tend to not handle it well. My therapist in the past has said that anger for me is a good sign because I had to stuff it most of my life and have plenty of stuff to be really angry about. Since it is up, it seems that working with that would be the way to go.

On the other hand, because it is so volatile and powerful, I am wondering about doing something more positive and possibly helpful before I get to the anger since it does seem hard to contain. Before the anger surfaced I was thinking about how areas related to self-care in terms of playfulness or creativity were not as developed as they have been in the past or as I would like them to be going forward. (I know the reasons why so don't have to figure that part out.)

In continually puzzling over what sorts of things I could do to bolster this area of my life, I found myself attracted to the notion of "being in the zone" or "in the flow." It came from watching a guitarist just obviously disappearing into what he was doing with complete absorption and even joy. I thought that trying to cultivate things that might provide that kind of experience would be strengthening and give me avenues for release and insulation that would modulate other areas of tension and stress.

So now I'm wondering if it would be better to try to take up the more positive self-care type of thing so that the work on anger would be more contained or if taking up the anger while it is surfacing which is not typical should be more a priority. Though in principle the two are not mutually exclusive, I don't feel like I could do both together at this point. That would be a goal but not realistic now.

[unaluna]

Julia Cameron recommended an artist's date every week. I feel i could go to the movies, but i barely make it once every 3 months. I know im depriving myself.

[SnakeCharmer]

I don't see the two as mutually exclusive. Being tossed around by angry emotions is one of the biggest obstacles to reaching those magic moments of being in the zone or flow. It seems like working on the anger would allow you to free up enough to more easily reach those zone moments.

[archipelago]

Thanks. Hankster, yes I've tried that artist's date idea and it seems so simple and obviously valuable and doable but why is it that it seems so impossible to carry out...sigh.

SnakeCharmer, yes I agree and said I don't see them as mutually exclusive but for right now I am experiencing them as impossible to do together and would make the project too daunting to try to do both at once, which seems like it could be a goal but not the starting point.

I do see that anger is one of many things getting in the way and my tendency is to go with what is up and the difficult stuff. Now though I can see it another way, which is it may be healthy to work on positive things for a while to try to have more to turn to when approaching the difficult stuff because it is so powerful and overwhelming. Then perhaps the anger wouldn't just take over as much or if it did, I would still have an easier time coming back to baseline.

[SnakeCharmer]

You know yourself best, archipelego, and what will work best for you. It impressed me when a person can state their therapeutic paths as clearly as you have.

[archipelago]

I guess I can lay things out, but that is due to being in therapy a long time (and also being in training so I see the inner workings a bit more now). Still I suppose because the idea of trying to do a positive thing like developing a particular self-care idea, which is elusive, this whole idea is not typical of me. I tend to be an intensity junkie and go for that intense stuff however negative. So to entertain another approach is very much hypothetical, just on paper so to speak, which might be why it is producing a feeling of not knowing which way to go.

[Bill3]

I am not sure if I am understanding you correctly. When you speak of the positive things, are you envisioning them as tools for actual distress management in the moment? Or are you thinking of them as making you more resilient and stable, such that there will be less need for distress management in the moment? Or perhaps something different from these?

[archipelago]

Good question Bill3. I'm thinking of overall effects of resilience that then could also be turned to when taking on difficult issues that sometimes take over, but perhaps with more positive things to turn to would not take over completely.

[Bill3]

How urgent is it to address the manifestation and consequences of these new expressions of anger?

[archipelago]

Another good question. It is definitely up which means there is a window open, but it comes and goes. I'll erupt. Then it will vanish for a while. Then reappear. This is not typical so that tells me to not lose the opportunity, but since it is not constant and in my face all the time, perhaps I can wait a little bit.

[Bill3]

What I think you are describing is not an "either-or" situation, but more like "some of both". Therefore, a "some of both" response might be suitable.

For example: you could decide that anger does not require work with your T, but it does require some sort of plan for use when anger threatens to get out of hand. The plan could consist of tasks that you set in place beforehand and you can rely on yourself to do when in the throes of anger. Perhaps standard ideas such as leave the room, count to 10, go to your peaceful place, use the STOP technique (search STOP Goldstein short on youtube, it was the first hit this morning, it is a 4 minute video), something you are confident will help in the moment. Then, with that safety framework in place, you could work on the flow, personal growth material with your T.

Or, if you judged it appropriate, something vice versa could be devised as well.

[archipelago]

Thanks, Bill3, for sticking with me on this and coming up with so many good questions and ideas. I can see now that it can be a combination more than I felt before. And I was starting to see that working on self-care was probably what makes sense to work on especially since it will take time and practice to get something to become more "automatic."

I do have self-care things that I do regularly, like safe place visualizations, meditation, Tai Chi, exercise, and journaling, but all are kinda on the serious side and aren't all that playful really. They could be more so, but I'm looking for something else that I've not tried. Or haven't done in a while. That will require some outside help.

But so does the anger since it is coming from a deeper place than the surface irritations. I tend to implode rather than explode so actually allowing myself to have some safe form of expression seems to be what would be the best as a first move. Once I feel that I can experience anger and not have to shove it or turn it into something more internalized, I think then I can start to use techniques to modulate it. If that makes sense.

This is helping me clarify things by thinking out loud. I will go into session expressing an interest in doing both and see what evolves. He doesn't make decisions for me and is not the directive type, but he is excellent at understanding what is underlying what is going on and getting that out there to be seen and talked about.

[Bill3]

Maybe you are saying that first the anger has to be accessible, then it can be worked with?

aren't all that playful really

I am interested in your use of the word playful. I wonder if you would be willing to speak further about that word in this context.

actually allowing myself to have some safe form of expression seems to be what would be the best as a first move

An art therapy exercise comes to mind, maybe it would be of interest?

The exercise is to take a sheet of paper and draw a window frame on the whole of it, so that the impression is that one is looking out of that window. Then sketch/draw/color as aspect of one's life.

In the context of looking for a safe form of expression of anger, the exercise could be simply that you draw some aspect of the anger (as if you are regarding it through the window).

[archipelago]

Taking things out of order, yes, I am interested in art therapy and this therapist strongly recommended when we first started because he saw that I rely on verbal abilities when access to non-verbal is really important. So I did have a huge notebook and used chalk to draw abstractly based on mood. I did once produce a very vivid expressive picture of a volcano. I could try going back to that and see what happens.

The things I do like mediation and Tai Chi are disciplined activities. It is a bit like boot camp sometimes in the way it feels. Often when doing them something frees up, but I still have to make myself do these things. They don't attract me in terms of being fun or light or releasing. Just as exercise doesn't. They are beneficial and have a balancing effect, but are work.

I work too much and too hard. I need something as intense that is the opposite. Something creative, involving, enjoyable, freeing...those are things I mean by playful. I'm not a musician and don't have a lot of resources so I have to be modest about what I come up with. So far I draw a blank.

[Bill3]

Is there a correlation here (acknowledging that correlation is different from causation ): did you find that anger started to spike up more or less around the time that you stopped the art work? Just asking.

What is fun for you?

[archipelago]

The anger is very recent. There has been some stress that is definitely contributing, but it is clear that very old stuff is being activated. Again according to my therapist this is a good thing for me, but it is also very difficult.

I can't say exactly why now. I think that it could be in the wake of processing some trauma material. It also could be that I have reached a point where I am able to experience anger directly.

I used to have more fun activities that I would do frequently. For various reasons these haven't been part of my life for a while now. And when I try to go back to them, I usually fall short and don't carry through. It seems I need to find something new.

I used to write poetry and post online about it, plus go to writing groups and so on. I don't really have the interest in poetry now. I do have an interest in creative non-fiction, but it is a bit time consuming and doesn't come naturally so is still a bit like work.

I also used to go tide pooling at low tides. I know all the invertebrates and love poking around as well as taking pictures. But when I drive to the beaches that have pools I tend to turn around instead of doing it. It doesn't feel the same.

[Bill3]

I wonder if you would enjoy birdwatching.