Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Glad i'm seeing you, have had a horrible day

Today I think you are the most awesome person on this planet.........can't say how I'll feel about you tomorrow

Those two things are so intertwined that I don't think I can separate them out. For the first time, I'm considering cancelling my appointment with you b/c I can't talk to you. The irony is that you are the one I talk to when I'm having trouble communicating with someone. I feel like we're at an impasse.

Sigh.. T1, you're still in my thoughts and dreams.

Thank you for everything. Really. I wouldn't be here without you.

I'm very ashamed of that, but I would really like to be fully vulnerable with you . I hope one day I'll be so open with you that I'll ask you to hug me - I would really like that.

D'ya know what T? Why do you stay with me? You understand my 'little person' you accept my 'angry teenager' & give her, her mouth & you accept me too. Why? Are you mad? You keep asking me if you are giving me what I need. I wish you would not say that to me. I'm here aren't I? I'm not sure what I need. I do know that I need you & I know I challenge you & sometimes catch you off guard, but that's my way of reinforcing to myself that you are genuine.

I love that your T asks you what you need, Jobo. He sounds great.

I am so f***ing frustrated. When I came into the appointment I was feeling very good. I told you that I had 5 rough days but yesterday and today have been good. Well the appointment is over and I feel like ****. Very low. See no reason to do anything. What is wrong with my head? Less than 2 hours ago you asked me what I thought about life and I said hopeful or something like that. Not now. How can that change so quickly?

Fell asleep typing the above... I'm now waiting on my NA meeting to start but I'm on the verge of tears. I have so many questions. Is this just a lack of sleep? Is it because I have to wait 2 weeks to see you? Is it because I am thinking about my mom's death again? Not only do I get sad on the 25th of March, the day she died but also on Good Friday, the day she died, and then her birthday is the 4th. Is it just depression?

You said to text you if I start crying and getting depressed for several days. You will call in more meds... I'm worried about taking more Welbutron because you said that I am already on a high dose of that and the Cymbalta.

I gotta go.

I don't know that there is any help for you if you believe her. Can't you figure anything out already? I'm waiting.

Dear T,

I just wanted to tell you I miss you. Five more days.

Me

Dear T. I am one part in a million parts of your week and you are one part in a million parts of my week, but you are the one part where I get to feel what I feel without any guilt.

Tonight you made me feel guilty and invalidated and so I pushed back to say that if I want to be effing miserable then I get to be. If I'm angry then I get to be. That's how this works.

All I ever wanted was to be heard. Well you certainly heard me this week.

Dear T,

I am not sure that I can show up tomorrow. Sorry.

Healed

Dear T,

I already sent you 3 emails and I wrote you I wasn't going to send anymore while I'm with my family. So I have to write here instead. There is always so much to talk about with you. I miss our 90 minute sessions once a week.
I feel a little bit like I'm failing. I can't feel your hand when you take it away like you want me to. I still need your touch. I'm sorry I'm so challenging but I can't help the way I feel. It helps that you understand about my wanting. I'm frustrated because I don't want to feel like this. I know it's not about you so I feel sad. I wish you had a magic wand. I hope I'll be distracted and enjoy myself with all the kids. One initiates hugs goodnight and that makes me feel great. The others let me hug them but they never say I love you back.

Hiya T,
It's me, Shakey. I just want to say hi, just because. I miss you this week. I hope you're feeling better. You really have to stop running all over creation and working every hour God gives. You'll run yourself into the ground. You finally quit that job that you hated only to start that other thing which, in my opinion, with my limited knowledge, is going to wind up being even worse. You're too important to too many people (I'm sure) to be killing yourself. There'll be money when we're all dead.
I might tell you this when I see you next week. You always tell me that you care about me, because I'm your client. You say that like a client is a very important person. I appreciate that in more ways that I can say. Well, you're my T and I care about you too, even though it's probably not my place. I don't care. I care about you as a person too, and gawdammit T! I'm worried about you!

I hope you accept my apology. Not looking forward to seeing you next week. Be interesting to see if you'll still have your unconditional positive regard.. I don't know what will make me feel worse, if I see that you're annoyed at me, or pretending nothing happened till I walk in and you shut the door behind me.

Doc Dee,
People are just to funny sometimes. I'm glad I have the good sense to know it ain't about me, and something is off for them, thanks to having had good therapy.

I'm blessed.

Waiting patiently for the population parameters.

Dear Doc Dee,
It was good judgement on my part to end it.

Oh, and I'm glad we have no secrets as to why you are my standby therapist...because I am friends with my previous therapist. Glad to know you are fine with that.

Goodnight Doc Dee.

i wonder what you're doing for Easter. i wonder if yours will be as crappy as mine.

Dear T ,
I promise the world won't crash down if you give me call and talk to me. i wish you had an Intuition telling you when your clients are so desperate.simetimes i even hope you get a feeling , when i'm feeling down , though i think the emotional connection i had to you is long gone.

Can I get a hug?

you were crying when I came in. I know it's none of my business but I'm so sorry, I probably made things even more difficult crying so much myself, for such silly reasons.

50 to 60 min a week? It's just not enough time. There's always so much more ground to cover. I feel bad emailing you. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you and your time. Not to mention the risk of bothering and annoying you. Ugh! If you could only hear the debate that goes on in my head!

I had a dream with you today It was a nice dream, I felt cared for. We were just talking, the atmosphere was nice. Jesus,I've been thinking too much of my therapy recently.