Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear T
I saw you yesterday, but I already miss you. Two weeks seem so long.

Dear T,

I sent out a simple email last night for confirmation. u havent replied. I am waiting and waiting...hoping to see ur name in my inbox. please do respond...otherwise i will feel ignored.

Dear T. Sorry I emailed you. Again.

Please write back soon. I need you.

The little things you disclose about your family make me so sad. I wish I could've had the courage to walk away from the stbx 15 years ago when it was obvious that he was a jerk. I wish I could've found a nice 'normal' guy like you. I hope I still can. I hope I can be brave enough to try.

I read something here on PC about writing your T but can't find it tonight. I probably should write it all down, everything, good, bad, the highs and lows. Only have one problem with writing the letter and it's a BIGGIE...I would never have an ending...

Hi. Seriously!! I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I thank God every minute of the day for it. What a true gift you are. Thank you.

Dear t,
part of me wonders if you are here (or if you happened to stumble upon my blog) and if you have figured out who I am. Sometimes I write things and they are addressed next session. It's a bit creepy...
Today was good though (creepy or not). I'm glad we did that. You kinda rock. A lot. But seriously though, work on modeling self-acceptance around your art skills, ok? Lol! I totally get that everyone has their "thing", but it was funny to hear you tell me to go easier on myself in one moment then be just as harsh with yourself as I am with me In the next. Or maybe you were just trying to show me how it sounds to the other person? i dunno. But I hope you don't mind that I said something in the moment. In that room, for that hour, I have corner on the self-deprication market.
I found a free template for a paper version of what we talked about. I may try to get a few copies printed so I could try to put it together. I'm guessing it will not look as neat and professional as the version online, but it might be fun to try. It will also keep my hands busy. And maybe by the time I perfect the folding, I will have one for you too. I think it would be cool in real life, but sadly, magic like that doesn't exist.
Anyway, thanks for today. Can we do something like that more often? I like talking while being busy better than just talking.

I'm confused now. And scared that you'll drop me. And just plain scared. And tired. And lost. IDK what to do. The depression gets so bad. I'm just so tired.

U didnt respond to my email ! and i know you won't ! A simple yes or no would have sufficed.

Now i am not sure if you want me as a client or not.
Feel like i crossed a line and u have pushed me back !

should i cancel my future appts. ? each session makes me more invested. not sure if i should see how our next appt turns out..i know u wont mention my email..u will probably forget

it sucks !!!

surprise me !!! respond to my email !!!! pleassseeeeee !!!!

Dear T,

Thank you for caring enough to call me when I was not going to get out if bed, even to keep my appointment with you.

You said you are gonna miss me too. That means the world to me.

Dear T,

You've been fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I really couldn't have asked for a better T. This hurts... but the things I'm going to say to you? The rage I'm going to unleash?

It's not really about you. I just can't stand it when people care and so now you get to see exactly how I protect myself and you probably won't ever realize that's what I'm doing.

And I'm sorry. I know you really do care. I hate to say goodbye but these things must be done.

-Me

Im really sorry for whatever has happened in your family. Come back soon...but only when youre ready. I hope I dont cry when youre back. I hate to think of you hurting.

Dear T,

No one should benefit from causing misery to another. It's a terrible thing to seek don't you agree? How can they live with themselves and even smile after committing an egregious offense? I believe that even if one does all they can to cover up their misdeed, they will never be able to escape from the higher power that knows what they did and who they did it with.

It's a sad world today.

Dear T,
I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. Thank you for validating me and believing in me.

Dear T,

I don't understand why you did this to me, how you could do this to me and how you could walk away and let me suffer for as long as you did?

How could you possibly tell me that you cared??? Yeah right!

Dear T, I hope you're enjoying your thing this week, I had one dream that might be something like you thought might happen, we'll see when we talk again in a couple weeks. I'm going to do an active with it tomorrow and see where it goes. And Sunday I'm going hiking with my meetup group, looking forward to that! I'll be taking pics of course, and will share them with you as usual. I'm working on a photography blog, too.

Well, I'm reading your book. So far it has confirmed to me your competence, self-awareness and ability to keep your own 'stuff' out of my therapy.
It has also helped me to understand why therapy with T1 went off-track the way it did. I am glad I am reading it, even if you hadn't been my T. I am learning about my own behaviour and feelings too.
PS: I know I said I didn't need a response to the email, but I had hoped you would psychically realise that I would have liked one

thank you for the session yesterday

T:
I really don't know how I'm going to handle the funeral tomorrow. I know you'll be there, but I also know it's "the outside world". I hope I don't feel ridiculously awkward about seeing you there. I know she was your friend and you need to grieve too. I will try to avoid you so you have space.
Maybe we should have made a side bet on how many tissues I would go through just so we'd have something to laugh about in session next week.

Do you know about my paternal transference? Even though your not old enough to really be my father? I think you do and I really would like to know, but I'm scared to talk about it.

t, i wonder if you know i have maternal transference for you. i think you probably do.

dear T

i hope u dont think of me like the test results said. they sounded pretty negative. u said u didnt like that and how it pathologizes things. i found some of it to be true but a lot of it i felt was more relevant to how i used to be and not how i am now. i liked todays session, i liked that we laughed n joked/...it was light and fun. see you on tuesday T

me

Ex therapist:

I read on the internet about how some clients treat their therapists so horribly and they don't get terminated. I was always so respectful and tried everything you wanted me to try. I respected your boundaries. I paid on time and only missed a couple of sessions because of weather. Just because I wouldn't do ONE thing you asked me to do you got rid of me after seven years of therapy. I don't understand and never will. What you did was wrong and unethical.

I don't know who you think you are. Certainly not the man I thought you were. You are a coward, a user of people, a heel....the one's you have fooled will come to realize it someday. You think you can hide behind a fake persona but that only works for so long. I have begged you for the truth and you think I'm going to let this go? NEVER!! I gave you every chance to come clean. You forced my hand to do something I would never ordinarily do. Now you'll force my hand again but that seems to be the way you want it. You are cruel!!!! What you did to me was CRUEL. T's are bound by an oath. Are you even licensed?? How could you breach my confidence??? How could you mock me and tell other people my personal business?? What kind of human being would do that to me???