Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear T

I feel broken

T, I am just confounded by you. You seemed to initially be agreeing with me about ending. Now that I'm really talking seriously about it you seem to be backpedaling. On the one hand you say that I don't need therapy anymore, instead am now on a path of self-growth or something, which is all well and good, but why do I have to need help with it? And why did you cut us off at 25 minutes today when we had previously agreed to and I paid for 50? I wasn't done!!!!!!! And what the hell was that big sigh about? I called you on it, but you didn't elaborate. I should have pushed more. I'm trying to be mad at you here, but I can't be. I guess that means I kinda sorta get it. I think you were afraid I was going to cry. I didn't though. Ha.

Dear CBT T

I'm boring you, aren't I.

I'm bored and that's leading to slips.....m help

I can be so annoying, and frustrating, can't I? I'm sorry that you have to repeat your self every week

i'm so terrified you'll be angry all the time, i know its for but that doesn't stop me... i'm so scared you'll get mad at me

MB
today we hate you
that is all

4 hours until I see you...nerves have gone into full throttle. Stomach is in knots and my heart seems to be racing. Why do I get myself all worked up?

Dear T

I'm so sad to go but I just need more and I've asked a lot for what I need.

Sorry for posting so much.

dear t

i'm looking forward to seeing you. i messed up. but its okay.

I'm daydreaming about our final session. I finally hug you and you tell me you'll miss me too. You even tear up a little. And you got me a present. You're the best!

I would like to ask you if you have obsereved any kind of transference on my side. However, I find this question so silly - why shouldI ask that? I'm afraid that would be the proof I'm obsesed with the therapy. OMG, I am and I'm really ashamed of that.

Please don't abandon me not now not when I need you the most. I just learned to trust you. I'm sorry it took so long. I just didn't want to be left again. I know I can be stubborn but I am trying to work very hard at changing. I know I let you down when I do you know but it's all I know at the moment. I do want to have friends but I'm terrified they won't like me after they get to know me. I'm not the best person to have around. I only cause trouble for everyone. I'm not sure if you even like me. You haven't done anything but support me. Maybe it's me trying to push you away so I don't become attached. Too late because I find myself now dependent on you. Please tell me you can help and will continue to provide support. I need to know you will be here

Good grief, it just struck me how ******* long 5 ****ing months is. I'm going into a panic.

It's something how you so often manage to dig yourself deeper and deeper into a mess. I wonder how you'll weasel your way out of this one.

We have somethings to talk about. ............ and its tearing me apart. I want to talk but company policy says otherwise. How do I get around this........ its all just too much

Today was very hard day. Lots of hard things happened. I'm glad you emailed me and were willing to text me, but the day kept getting worse. Life is really hard right now. I don't know if it will ever get better. Thanks for hanging in there with me, though.

I want to be angry at you for going away over easter but I have so much to talk to you about I don't have time

i'm so scared you'll abandon me. i'm finally going to tell you about my fear today. and i'm going to tell you about what happened on Tuesday night (not all of it tho) and why i got scared that you didn't care...

Every morning I wake up and ask myself how you could do this to me? Every day I have to face embarrassment and humiliation. Why? How could you? Even if you didn't like me, why do this to me?

Every day I have no answer and you do not call.

Thanks for the session yesterday afternoon. I was hard, but I knew that going in and I knew we had to discuss the email. The issues and emotions that came up in discussing the "issue" kind of link to the old "letter" I sent to ex-T years ago. Maybe it's time for you to read it...ugh! It's ugly stuff I don't want to talk about. But I know it's the basis of many of my fears, insecurities, and shame.

Are you back from wherever you've been yet?

T-

Pleaseeeee don't cancel today!!!!

I just emailed you and didn't get an 'out of office' auto reply, what does this mean? I thought you were away? Now it will be harder for me to accept if I don't get a response from you. I'm feeling very needy. waiting for you to come back makes me feel like a child waiting for her parent to return. I'm not comfortable with it.

We have a lot to talk about. ....