Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

thank you for today. im so sorrry i've dropped again. im sorry im doing this.

Dear T, I'm thinking a lot about you today. And I like it.

dear T

iTS THE WEEKEND !!!!!!!!!!!!! not for you..yet. but for me it is

me

T2, Today went exactly as I expected, shocker.

I'm new here and would love to hear about Moosolini!

You're an awesome shrink, but your office smells funny

You're a miserable low life for putting me through this. For destroying my reputation. For making me a spectacle for ridicule. YOU did this. I may not have had much in my life but I had a career. You took that from me. You took my dignity. You are despicable. I will fight you until the very end. You will hear from me again.

You think this is some kind of game but it is not so for me. You better shape up as a T and as a human being.

Dear MC,
Thinking of you. That's all really...

Based on the example you have set (with how you treated/disgraced me), I can safely say that there will not be many people (who know me) that will be flocking to see a T for help with their problems.

All I want to do is quit. And, I'm afraid I won't be able to, or that it's the wrong thing.

I don't know what to do. I was stable and OK before coming back to therapy. I was getting healthy, eating well, losing weight, sleeping better than I ever have in my life... I was on the right path.

And therapy is completing destroying that, and I don't know why or how to stop it.

Now, I can't stop eating crappy sugary foods. My sleep is restless and awful. I forget to do exercises. I'm useless at work, and am lucky if I get an hour or two of work done over 8-9 hours in front of the computer. I can't get anything done around the house, and I think you have no idea of the level of "not getting stuff done" that I'm currently indulging in. I spend way too much time in bed. I had one week where I work the same t-shirt for... 3 and a half days, slept in it and wore it all day, no showers in between.

When I was out of therapy, I stopped having SI urges. I was *fine* and SI felt like a lifetime ago. Now, I'm struggling and still sometimes cutting. I'm having *sui thoughts and doing research and daydreaming about how it would be.

This is not better, and there's no sense that it's going to be better. I can't see any improvements or any way that this is the path to better. I think I'm the biggest idiot in the world for getting caught back up in the fantasy of therapy leading to a better life

And, I just want to cry. Because I know you think you care. You've said it. But the way that you care isn't translating to me. It doesn't come through. It's like caring on paper or something, or like reading lines from a play. It doesn't feel real, and it doesn't feel like it exists. I believe that you believe, but I think it's too much to ask from you.

But it makes me sad too, because I don't want to be the ******* client from ****. And, as hard as I try to be respectful, and polite, and to be honest about my stuff, I think it's pretty clear that I *am* that client.

I don't know what to do here. I'm crying. And, just once, I wish you'd say something helpful and supportive, instead of something else that makes me think this was a bad idea.

Why did I even bother sending you that email?

i'm so sorry for collapsing and sobbing like i did yesterday... im kinda embarrassed. i was out of control. thank you so much for comforting me and telling me you care and it will be alright.

im feeling a bit better today and realising it was PMS... i get it really bad. i'm gna go to the doctor and ask to get put on the pill. sorry.

The language in my head is what my mother would describe as colourful - sooooo angry with you right now.

Things have changed so much the past few months and IDK if it's me or you or both of us or if I'm imagining it. IDK if it's b/c I've read alot of stuff here on PC about therapists. All I really know is that you don't answer the emails that I need you to. You only answer the positive ones. I know that you've always had my best interests at heart, but I feel so lost now. Not talking about the "bad thing" doesn't make it go away. It just pushes it underground. You know how strong underground movements can be. What happened this week is pushing me over the edge. Since you didn't reply, I deleted your email from my contacts. I still remember it and it's still on my iPod, but it's much harder to email you now. Hopefully, it's difficult enough that I think before I send.

Also, are you OK? Are you thinking about moving? Do you need to drop me as a client? Is this just my abandonment fear or my difficulty with change rearing its ugly head?

I want to be the person that you believe I am.

This is making me cry again. I think I'll go hide in my bed.

idk if i should text you and tell you im okay... are you worried? i don't want to intrude

dear T

i like talking about funny tv shows/movies with you. thanks for making the copies of the book. i think it will be much more manageable to read now. my mom will be here soon...yay! good to see you today.enjoy your weekend T!

me

I'm very sad today. It always hurts so much when I get reminded that you see 8495037 other people..

I would love to see you now. Or call you.

How come, just when I think I have finally accepted that you are gone forever, you creep back into my thoughts and I just want to go into the deepest part of my cave and cry...
13 years I spent with you and there were so many things I should have told you, but was too scared to say them. GAAAHH!!! I'm so sorry. I miss you so much!!

I'm so sorry for your pain. It must be really hard some days. I've been with my therapist for 10+ years. I don't know what I'd do.

dear T

well i'm feeling calmer, i think it's dying down now. sorry for freaking you out!

Dear T,

Wednesday in our session I felt terrible (and also the days/weeks before our session). I cried. I don't think I've cried like that in front of you ever before. The 3 days after and today I felt kind of alright. What is this? Most days I feel bad, full of selfhate. And then there are a few days I kind of feel alright. But it are just a few days. And it doesn't happen often. But this has happen before. Are the medication finally working. Or what? Is frustrating. Because the last time I felt alright for 2-3 days, I felt really bad again after those days. I'm so tired of this.

I can't stop thinking about what would happen if you dropped me or abandoned me. I'm definitely attached to you but I don't want to bring it up, at least not directly...I want you to tell me you won't leave. I don't want to need you but I feel like I do right now. I hope I can get to a point soon where I don't feel that way but for now I guess I just have to accept it and have the awareness that those feelings are there.

I'm starting to think that I should tell you this when I see you in a couple of days.

dear t

i can't wait to see you ^_^

Feel like I have the same thing going on. It's a miserable way to be. I don't know how I'm going to be one day to the next.