Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

No longer feeling fine. Crying my eyes out again because I miss you. And I'm still very angry. And I want to call you. I hate this! I hate what you make me go through!

turns out i can do this! i went for a run and wrote things down. i'm proud that i actually managed to do positive things

Dear T
I want to see. I'm feeling so low and sad and hopeless. I know you can't make it better, but I always feel better after seeing you. Unfortunately that feeling doesn't stay long.
Also, I want to see pdoc.

Dear pdoc
I don't think this medication is working. Can you please give me something that will make me feel better. I know it's hard to find the right medication that works for me, and this is only the second we try. But I want to feel better, even if it's just a little bit. I can't handle feeling like this much longer. I'm so tired.

Dear T.
You made me really angry. You told me you thought I chose to be in a state of anxiety, you told me that I wasn't facing my issues & you did all this right at the end of the session. I don't want to be so stricken with anxiety, I do & have spoken to you about my 'issues' I know it's not masses, but it is for me. You told me that I bring to our sessions what ever I want too, so have you now changed your mind? Or, is it that I can bring to our sessions anything I want, as long as it's on YOUR agenda?
I am sorry I sent you that text saying that I didn't need you, but you hurt me & I wanted to hurt you back. I am also angry that you are not seeing me as usual. I don't like the routine changing because of the holidays.

Dear T,
Thanks for calling me. And thanks for checking up on me tonight.

I'm glad I'm seeing you tomorrow. I'm all over the place...

At times I feel...u will drop me as I m too ugly n its torture for u to sit across from me and talk

Hey T guess what I did today? I assisted with a training class at work, and the trainer asked me to go up in front of the class and tell them some things about the new system enhancements that we were training. I was NOT expecting to have to do that. But, I did it!! And not only did I survive, I actually ENJOYED it!! My voice didn't shake at all, I spoke loudly and clearly, didn't know I had it in me to do that and I know, t, who am I and what did I do with Art, right? haha. I'm really looking forward now to the module I get to present to the new hire class in May. I'm gonna rock it!!

Why do I still feel like I'm falling apart?

I'm sorry I let you down T. Please don't terminate me. I need you now more than ever even though I want to push you away

Dear T and PDoc,
It feels like y'all don't care anymore. Really can't blame you. It's not like I'm Suzy Sunshine. I know it's hard to be around me and listen to me whine all the time.

You were right

I'm getting madder and sadder!!!

Can't wait to see u !!!!

Dear T
For the first time in months & months, I am not looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I know you will want me to talk about my being angry with you & no doubt, you will point out the error of my ways which will just reinforce my realisation as to just how nasty & useless I really am. Please don't speak to me crossly, as it will upset me. Then I'll know that I'll have let you down & will have disappointed you. Please, please don't terminate me.

Ur last client was drop dead gorgeous!!!

U r 5 mins late....arrghhhhhhh....have enough cushion between appts..that no one loses their time even if last client is taking longer to finish..
6 mins !!!!!!!!!!//.

OMG T! I know you're sick and it's not your fault but I feel like a lost little girl right now.
You know my stbx used to get angry at me for being sick and not being able to take care of him. That's horrible and selfish. Having someone yell at you for being too sick to make him food while you throw up on the carpet because you collapsed on your way to the bathroom. And then clean it up yourself after laying there on the floor for a while gathering the energy and will power to do it. And having your toddler try to take care of you.
I lived that life for more than a decade. Unbelievable. It nearly destroyed me. I wish you weren't sick today, but I wouldn't be thinking of all the stuff if you weren't. So maybe it's a good thing. I'll email you. Not today, I'm not going to bother you while you're sick. Maybe tomorrow, hopefully you'll be feeling better.

T , i thought i have been extremely lucky for meeting you .but i could be a little luckier , never meeting you , i would have been happily dead now. Basically it's because of you that i didn't kill myself and suffered all this time.we talk about normal stuff recently , as if i'm fixed inside, but , but you just don't know.you have no idea how much i want to die.

thanks for today. just want to say that i dont like it when i see your other clients. if you could time them better somehow that would be nice but you won't...

Please be kind.
I'm having a nervous breakdown. Please.

I wish you could read my mind about why I am hesitant to say yes to the extra sessions. I wish I could articulate why... I wish I could bring myself to call you and take you up on that offer late... but I might get more attached. I might ask for more than I deserve. I might get super annoying, and you would hate me.
(and I might slip and say something I don't want to)...
and... I... um... I dunno.
Can you just know this is all defenses, walls, and safety measures?
just want to fold into myself and disappear...

Dear T, I wish I had a second hour to talk to you today. I feel like I had so much to process between my solo session with MC last week, the fight with my H over the weekend, and my joint session with MC yesterday and all that came out of that re: my relationship with my H. And my trouble dealing with people being angry with me, which I said I'd think about more in the time between sessions.

And then you probably won't be able to see me next week because of your vacation (unless someone cancels on the two days you're in the office). Hope it's OK I sent you a sorta quick e-mail. Could have totally sent you a novel. If you don't write back, it's OK. Just trying to figure stuff out.

Dear T,
It's less than 3 hrs til I see you and it seems like the time will never pass. I need time to speed up, then move in slow motion when it's time for our session. I miss you so much and it feels like our time will never be enough for me...

Why don't you hold my hand anymore? Why did you held it before at all? To give me something like that and then take it all away? If you never had touched me, I wouldn't even dare thinking about anything like that. And now all I feel is sadness and longing..