Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Thank u for the great session...n for going easy on Me..I was almost on the verge of crying...thank uuuuu for bringing things down a notch!!!!

Do you think of me too?

Darling T -

Your simple validations of my crazy ramblings mean so much and help greatly.

~EM

I f**king think of YOU all the time. It hurts g*dd*mmit!

Yup. It sucks. I am better than I used to be but I think about my T probably 6 times a day. Work helps keep my mind present. if it's ok.

Tomorrow, regardless of whatever you say, all I'm going to be thinking is "don't kiss him, don't be stupid, he doesn't feel that way, STAY PUT!"

I have to wait another week till I see you. Normally I would find two weeks too long. But lately, I just don't feel like going to therapy. I know it isn't supose to be something fun, but I'm really dreading it. I feel stuck. My brain or thoughts are so stubborn. I'm so depressive. I can't do much. Everything is too much. And when I see you, I'm only repeating the same stuff. I'm not looking forward to the EMDR sessions. It's so fustrating. It might be helpin with some things, but... I really dislike it.
In our last few sessions, for the first time I had the urge to walk away. Just walk away without saying anything. I'm just so done. I think I'm giving up. I have enough of everthing. I have enough of being in and out and in therapy for so long.

I don't think you can help me.

Dear T,
I hope whatever you had the MRI for earlier this week isn't serious and that your results (which today you said you hadn't received yet) aren't serious. Mainly concerned because you had an eye issue a few weeks ago, then recently had an MRI. I know I talk to you about my feelings for MC, and don't really express my feelings for you aside from mentioning some maternal transference, but I really care about you deeply too.

I'm going to replace you because you are not helping.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, but please, please don't tell me you are going to leave again...

Do you know how "horrible" I feel?? Do you know how "horribly" I have been treated for years?

Do you know what it's like to have your personal private information strewn about as if you mean nothing?? All for a good laugh during lunch hour? As if your not even human and do not deserve any dignity??

Do you know how it feels to never be able to put out of your mind how cruel people treated you? People you thought were decent.

Do you know how it feels?? I do.

So when you said anything goes and you'd always be there, that was a big huge pile of crap?

Thanks for nothing. Termination by email when you know I needed you most is just peachy.

Dear T,
Sorry for being such a potty mouth during my last appointment. I've been watching DVDs of a show that was on a premium cable channel.

Dear T
I keep staring at the phone willing you to call me and say you have a cancellation and can see me earlier..

Dear T,

I want to quit again.

Stay with it. I so know that feeling. Stay strong, which you are. Work through it. xxx

Darling T -

I am not going to want to leave your office today.
I will but I won't want to.
If I had enough courage I'd ask you to just let me stay.
Just let me stay.
You don't have to be there - I just need the comfort of "my space".

~EM

Dearest T. It's been six days. Today was the first day I didn't cry. I wasn't angry either. But I know I'm not done yet. These feelings always come and go. Like waves in the ocean. One wave down, so many to go.

I just can't believe I'll never see you again. That's something I'm not ready to face. Yes, I'm grieving, but it's like I only think of what I've lost. Every thought about not ever seeing you again I push away immediately. That's something I'll deal with later. One thing at the time. Now isn't that strange? I wonder what you'd say about it.

Dearest T: I do wish you would make up your mind. Last time we talked you were making noises again like you're moving back here. Now today, you said you'll be in town for a weekend in May "to tie up some things" and we can schedule time to meet while you're here. Like, you've decided again NOT to move back. Geez, this flip-flopping is maddening, woman! lol actually it's ok. I get it, I do. Moving sucks!! I'm just glad I'll be able to see you in person one last time and in 2 weeks, to boot. Thank you for that. After I told you today about the party my friend had for me the other day when I was back in St. Louis, how great it was seeing previous coworkers some of whom I hadn't seen for 20 years and how I had all these realizations about myself ... you said "It sounds like you're really on your way" and that I sound so happy. I am and I am. Do you know I didn't think about you or therapy at all while I was on my trip. I didn't do any writing, didn't remember any dreams... I just lived my life and had fun. And thank you for bringing "IT" up - lol - the subject I always have a hard time with. You suggested we stop scheduling and just go to an "as-needed" basis now, if something comes up I call or text for an appointment. Sounds perfect to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, t. For EVERYTHING - for not letting me quit those times in the past when I tried, for pushing me when you have, for being so gracious with me, for just... everything. You have helped me grow and help myself SO much. Looking so forward to seeing you in 2 weeks to tell you in person.

where did my post go? bah. i can't re-create it. oh well.

OH. it's there now. My computer is just on drugs or something. ahahaha.

dear T
your text this morning helped me a lot. i know i already told you it meant a lot to me but i want to tell you again. it meant a lot to me! i didnt feel like i could face going into the store again, but your text helped me and i felt more prepared to do it. youre the bestest T ever! see you on saturday.

me

Darn it. I tried hard not to rely on you, not develop attachment but I failed. I'm so reliant. Don't go away for a long weekend. I need you. Don't turn me over to crisis. I can't be honest with them. I'm afraid I'll cave into my darkest thoughts.

Dear MC,
Part of me wished I'd answered the phone instead of my husband tonight when you called to reschedule next week's session, because it would have been nice to hear your voice. But part of me is glad that I didn't, because what I need to focus on right now is studying for an exam I'm taking Saturday, not your voice (and you in general). A little sad I won't be seeing you till later in the week next week, but it's going to be a really busy few days, so maybe it's for the better anyway. Still gonna kinda miss you till then. (OK, not kinda...)

I've been reading through some of the thoughts I wrote down closer to the beginning of therapy almost two years ago, and I can't believe how jaded I've gotten with the whole process since then. I was almost joyful in those journals because things were finally making sense and there was hope that I could really make peace with my past and move on. I guess progress is slower than I want it to be....Reality does a good job of slapping you in the face. It was nice to be reminded of my positive thoughts back then, but I'm even more assured now that the break I have coming will be more than helpful.