Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

CBT T

Don't eff up tomorrow.

I'm thankful you gave me such good closure. Thank you for helping me move on. Thank you for everything. I love you.

I seem to be missing you and wanting to see you more than ever. I don't understand. I was at your funeral. You're gone. That's it. But I long to talk to you. I want that hug that I never asked for. I want to know why your eyes clouded up when I told you about our last session. I want to ask you about attachment, and transference, and find out what you think about that.
You could be a bit of an "ice queen", rarely showing your soft side. I saw glimpses of it on occasion. I know it was there, but mostly you were just rock solid.
How can I get over you?!?!

Dear T

I just got your mail about some adminstration things. You wished me fun on my trip. That's nice, but you should know I don't have fun. I feel indifference with most things. This trip will be the same as the last one. I would just wish I was home again. I don't know why I even planned this trip. I should plan things like these if I will just feel nothing. No enthousiame.
And why didn't you ask me how I was doing? Especially after last Thursday. What I told you. I'm beginning to doubt if you understand how I feel. You understood my problems with social anxiety so good. No T before you ever did. But with this depression.. I don't think you understand how I feel. Maybe you can't if you haven't had depression yourself?
I really feel like mailing you back to say that you can leave it and that I quit.

Dear T,

How could I possibly tell you that I'm still not doing well. The medication I'm on helped for a while, but I feel the effects are wearing off. I'm not sure if I need more meds ( or others ) or if I'm simply chasing an additional mind altering substance to escape. I'm such a burden, such a waste of resources. I'm only okay while I'm intoxicated and dissociated. What can I do??? How can I live a productive and happy life??? I just want to be okay and fit in

Dear t,

I nearly died during labour. I'm so lucky I was at the hospital and not a birthing centre as I needed a blood transfusion after loosing 2500mls. I told you this by email like you had asked me to once I'd given birth.

You admitted the experience sounded harrowing and that you were sure my family would support me.... You KNOW my family! You know they aren't able to help me with my experience. It felt like you were passing the buck. I'm blessed to be well, but the birth still disturbs me. I honestly think I need counselling to get over it and yet we haven't oficially terminated. You said I can visit you with the baby for one last session. I will e seeking someone else now.

Hi T,
Last night was the safest I've felt in a very long time. It was painful to leave.

I just got home from the session. I know you are trying. But, it feels so pointless. No connection, no insights, nothing. I don't think you hear me, I don't think you understand me, and I can't make you. You're not leaving any openings for me to talk about things that matter, you don't seem interested in those things.

I don't feel heard or understood. Therapy was a mistake. An expensive mistake. I don't know how to make it work, and it's not helping. I feel like I'm in the wrong place.

I wish I hadn't started back up. Now I'm going to be sad, and cry, and feel like I'm giving up. My life was actually better without therapy. I can't really "believe" in it anymore. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be more open, I tried to be honest and tell you my background... and in the end, none of it matters. And, it sucks for me, because despite all that, it's hard to quit, and I'm the one who is going to be left crying over it and feeling like a failure.

dear t

thank u .u helped me today

me

he came back. I wish you did too - which makes me worry about my attachment.
I'm terrible at forgiving though and each person coming back is a bittersweet presence whom I have so much trouble trusting again. So painful. What about not abandoning others in the first place? You all go and then come back!? Why? Ah right, you haven't. hehehe.

T, When I messaged you yesterday about my friend from work leaving and how I was sobbing over it... I was unsure what your response might be. You didn't give me a short reply but several. The frustration you must get for having to repeat the same thing over and over... But you never seem frustrated. You tell me stuff as if it is the first time you said it and I'm like... "Oh yeah. That's right." I thank you for that.

Towards the end you said, "Do something NOW to distract yourself." It's like you knew that I was in bed crying under the blanket. So I replied, "Ok. I can do that." To which you said, "I hope that's not a threat." This confused me for a moment because that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was reading it over and over trying to understand your question. Then as I began to reply what I was going to do... You call me and said that you didn't get a reply. I did not mean to scare you. I was having trouble writing through my tears. I want to tell you that I have no intention of playing games with you like that but I can't be sure of the future and I don't want to say something that I can't be sure of.

This morning I get a text from you. First, I smiled because I thought, "he's been thinking about me." I hate that that was my first thought. I think it is super cool that you messaged me to tell me to read a chapter in a particular book. You must have known that I was still struggling and that would help. It did help. How lucky I am to work in a bookstore, that we had the book, and to be able to read what you suggested which did improve my thinking.

You went beyond my expectations and I appreciate you, your concern, and your efforts. Thank you.

Hope I see you next week. I just want this over and done with.

Just because I can't look you in the eye right now doesn't mean I can't see you in my peripheral vision, scratching your balls.

If I weren't seething at you it might even be funny.

Ew! Ha ha

That has got to be a transference buzzkill Growly!

I really have some interesting ways of drawing attention to myself, wouldn't you agree? I feel a little silly...

ewww indeed!

Transference buzz kill yes... !

actually I can't get over the fact that I won't see you.

ACK!!!

I'm sorry you saw that...
...but I can't stop laughing...I keep picturing it...please make it stop!!!

Too much thinking. Too much "on the wrong side of the tracks". Why an I bothering to try again? Why am I letting myself trust you and like you? Because I know we are ending soon. It's just gonna hurt that much more... I really just want to run, but there's no running from myself. It's all pointless... can you just do something to make the hurt less? Coz this sucks.
I'm mad that we click. I'm mad that I like you as a person. I'm mad I trust you and that you feel safe. ****. Why did I put myself through this again? (Especially knowing how short it would be, and the level of intensity of the work we were going to attempt)...

Darling T -

I see you three times this week.
I want to see you three times next week, too.
Hoping for a cancellation in your schedule.
I don't know how I manage my day to day right now.
Your office is the only relief I have as I drown in this mess.

~EM

I think I miss you already and it's only been half a day. I'm not sure how excited I am to see new therapist. She grates on me a little bit.

Dear T,
I'm glad you finally got accepted for our single case agreement through the state. And that you'll be paid retroactive to January. I'm sure that's a big help. But thank you for seeing me without insurance all this time and just for the copayment.

I have spent most of my life feeling invalidated and being invalidated. It feels really good to have someone back me up and validate me. It feels really good to have someone protect me when I talk about being attacked and put down and blamed. I am realizing more and more that people who attack and abuse others are the ones with the problem and it isn't about me at all and that is very freeing. I am feeling relieved this morning.