Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Took the words right or of my mouth!

same here!!!

(((((JustShakey)))))

making a list of the differences, and things that are similar between you and ex-T. I'm thinking I'll share it with you, but also thinking the list will forever be growing.

Darling T -

I told you a simple story yesterday.
You responded with, "I'm sorry".
That's the first time you've ever said that to me.
Usually, I loathe that phrase.
The tone in your voice that was present when you said it -
Was beautiful, soothing, kind, and loving.
Thank you.

~EM

I'm scared that I will want to use after I talk to you.

I wish you weren't going away this weekend. I really need to have contact with you daily. I need you. I can't talk to crisis and be honest like I can with you.

I hate that I need you so badly. I so want to runaway/push you away because I just have this feeling I'll get hurt. I tried so hard not to get attached but that didn't work. You even acknowledge last night you are glad I let you in. I shouldn't have. I should have just kept my distance like I did for over a year. Why am I so stupid. I'm so afraid you are going to leave me, push me onto another therapist. Can't tell you that I love you as a friend but I really do. I try to convey how much I appreciate everything you do but I don't come across so well.

The more you care the worse I feel. I'm not a good person and I wish you could see that. Maybe if you did you would come to the same realization and stop caring. That's what I need you to do so I can survive for right now because this feeling is killing me.

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! I hate this. Darn it why me why now.

um t, how come i'm sitting here this morning second-guessing myself and feeling a little niggling sense of out-of-control-ness knowing we don't have a 'set' appointment day/time anymore? I guess it's normal. A fear that you won't have time for me anymore. I take a deep breath and remind myself that I know that's not true. I can't wait to actually see you next month. It's been more than 2 years since we've sat in the same room together. I couldn't tell you yesterday just how much I want that. Tried to play it so cool when you said we could. It's funny even though I don't need therapy anymore I can still be an idiot. I guess the two are not mutually exclusive. Or something. Anyway, I'm sure you know how I feel about all of this anyway.

Darling T -

Words have lost their meaning.
There are no words to express my pain, sadness, hurt, despondency, lack of motivation - most especially to express how much I hate having to do this.
I hate every bit of how I feel right now.
I wish there was a stronger word for hate.

~EM

I lied to you.... I'm sorry, but I just didn't want to talk about it, besides our time was up and I didn't want to take anymore of your time. Can I have a Do-Over? This lying crap is just to hard to keep up to... but after I saw how mad you were about the wrestling I just couldn't tell you the full truth. So I said nothing but in my mind I wanted to tell you, I just felt that I couldn't.

Dear T,
as mama says, "a cada cerdo le llega su San Martin."

I think I will use tt.

Today I felt like it's time to start letting you go. OMG, I can't even believe I'm thinking it or writing it down. Because at the same time that thought hurts so, so much. It's like there are all these little pieces of me. One of them is sad and hurting, one is feeling guilty, one wants to move on, one wants to hold on, one is in denial, etcetera.

It's all so stupid, all these messed up feelings battling the crap out of each other. There's a crazy ****** fight going on inside of me. No wonder I'm so tired.

It's scary how much I need you...

Dear tt,
I'll stick with you, because you are safe and not faceless. "Si quieres saber quién es, vive con él un mes! "Mal de muchos, consuelo de todos."

You are not like any other t I've read/heard about.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for the little laugh tonight too, you weren't far off in your guess of the subject of my tears.

~EM

Procrastination is keeping me...

All of you are probably sleeping.

Dear tt,

Still on the playground...don't want to go home and work.

How do real adults do it?

By taking it one day at a time!

Dear MC,

When I was panicking at the start of the exam I was taking today, I just pictured you saying, "It's OK" in your extra-caring voice, and it calmed me a bit.

dear t: i was thinking this morning while driving (i always think when i drive lol) about how i seem to be in this place of "i used you for what i needed you for, i'm done now, so move along..." i don't think i really feel so callously do i? then again isn't that what you're in the business of, helping people to not need you anymore? i really don't think i feel that well, cavalierly about it... so i'm not sure where that came from exactly... do you think i feel that way, that i'm being dismissive of you? hmm. I'm not trying to be but then again I think I just hit on something. I think when you said the other day we'll move to an as-needed basis now, it almost felt like a dismissal of ME in a way, like, wait, I thought we'd talk about this a little more and instead you're just implementing it boom no more talk about it?! Maybe it doesn't need any more talk. I don't know how this is supposed to go lol. It's what I wanted, after all. I am so funny aren't I? I tried to quit several times in the past and you would never let me; but now you're saying "You don't need therapy anymore, you haven't in awhile" and agreeing with me. When I told you I didn't know how to say goodbye to you, to 'us', you said "We don't have to make it so final." And you suggested instead the "as-needed basis" thing which I feel really good about actually. So you're kinda still "holding my process" even though we won't be talking regularly anymore. If/when something comes up that I want support, or if I have another one of those "big" dreams that I want your input on, it's nice to know that I can call. Just knowing I CAN, I have a hunch, will be enough most times and I won't. As you said, I know how to do this work. And as I told you, I have no intention of stopping my work just because we won't be talking anymore. It's seriously part of who I am now. Thank you for that. And for SO much else!!!

I think it's a good thing you have these thoughts. It means you're getting ready to move on. It doesn't mean you're dismissive of your T. It's how therapy and the therapeutic relationship works. On one hand you feel your completely attached to your T but on the other hand, when you're ready for it, you feel some kind of distance. That's good. That's how you move on.

It happened a while back... I actually threw a small-scale controlled preschooler's tantrum with T and felt much better. Moral of the story: it's okay to act like a three year old sometimes, as long as you know you're acting like a three year old.

And we sorted out the ignored emails problem. He was really busy/ had poor coverage and I was feeling extra needy.

One of those times when 'talk to your T' worked just like it should.

Dear T, I did it! First week without you and I didn't contact you. I'm so proud of myself! I hope you are too. You know how hard this is for me.

You're right. I do feel a kind of distance, actually... and it's just so weird to feel, because we had such a close t relationship for a long time. But it makes sense, that that's how it works. I couldn't put it in words. I should try. Thanks!!