Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear T

I want to record our sessions to keep after therapy ends.

Dear T,
I will always regret never asking for a hug after our last session...
The only thing I have left of you is the memory of your voice and your smile, and an old appointment card you wrote your name, date, & time on. I love that dumb appointment card, but I still want that hug from you.

Dear T: Last night, another real-life example of the fact that for me, therapy works. I'm seeing them all over the freaking place these days!! So yeah last night hubby was in this huge funk over his fantasy baseball league. He doesn't get along with one of the guys on the league, although they've all been friends since like junior high or earlier. Anyway this other guys is making a HUGE thing out of a mistake my h made last season when he was their league commissioner and this other guy won't let it go, which pisses off my h, to the point where he can NOT let it go either, and he's driving himself in this downward spiral that is painful to watch, over it. Last night, I started out doing my old-habit-me thing of tryign to take on his crap and started crying and feeling lousy myself until I saw what I was doing (thank you, mindfulness!), and I said to myself NO and I TOLD him, this is your issue, not mine, and I can't take it on myself, because I see what I'm doing, I try to take it on myself, but it doesn't take it away from you, all it does is get me upset, which makes you worry about me, which makes it all worse. So I am not taking this on myself anymore. I support you, I love you, but I'm not going to take this on myself, I need to let you deal with it." And he surprised me by saying thank you. Imagine that!!

Again I say, t, that this work you have taught me so well to do, is THE best gift that I could ever give to myself.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Dear t,

If I manage to get to you this week, it will be our last session, for a while... or ever. I don't know whether to give you a heads up or force myself to turn up for one last goodbye.

I can't cant physically get to you anymore.

I've found a listing for a T who is specialized in treating my problems. I think I'm going to call for a consultation. I feel guilty like this is a betrayal but I have to be in this for myself. I can't keep people pleasing everyone else, even -- especially -- you.

T, have I ever told you just how grateful I am to you???? yes, I know I have. but I don't think it would be possible to say it enough.

omg t, it's been so fricking long. i'm trying to organise a session for the 13th because i get out on the 11th. can you please make an effort? or is this me doing all the hard work?

Dear T,
I've gone through so many emotions and thought processes since Thursday. I hope I'm more balanced and articulate come our next session.

dear t,

i'm using coping skills really well. 10 days till i get discharged.

I have it on good word that you are not going to cooperate. Why? Idk. Your choice of course. The next move then will be mine. As badly as you treated me, it only gets worse.

i miss yoooooooooooooooooooou

Dear T,

When I see you in two weeks, will you know I called the crisis number? Does it show up on your computer? Will you care?

When you ask me about intimacy, I know you know that I hate sex because it triggers me, but I just want to curl up & die when you ask me. I feel so ashamed and feel that I'm a freak. I know I need to talk about it, but I get incredibly anxious & words won't come out of my mouth.

T, I'm feeling a bit, well, unsettled at the moment with my h's drama. On the surface, I know it's HIS drama, it's HIS circus, and I need to let him deal with it. But it's affecting me in a deep way that I don't understand. I'm working with it t, the way you have taught me. I have so many tools at my disposal now and I'm using them. I'm trying in small ways to share what I have learned in therapy with him to try to help him get past this. He's really letting it mess him up and it hurts me to watch. Hopefully this will all be worked out before we talk again so I can share with you how I handled it.

Hurting so bad and worked up into a frenzy....where are you and when are you going to give me some relief?

^this. i relate so much.

I want to throw a tantrum. I want to shut down and pull back. See?! See what you made me do?! See now, you ignore me, I'm ignoring you! Screw you! See if I care!

But yeah. I know you'll just sit back and wait til I'm done. It's my own time and money I'd be wasting. So I'll go and talk about it. And I'll figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it.

But I really really really want to just pitch a sulk!

Of course pitching a sulk will make me feel even worse and even more disconnected.

I'm not in therapy to play mind games. I'd lose anyway.

Not to mention I'm only playing with myself...

Argh!

* Trigger warning sui *

Tonight H said to me he would be contemplating suicide if it wasn't for me and the kids. That affects me big time but I have nowhere to go with it. Feeling lonely and under pressure

I am totally embarassed I froze in the waiting room chair and could not get up. I have no idea what happened. I knew I had anxiety about our pending session and thought I would be ok when you came to get me but my body panicked. What a scene. You trying to get me to stand and go in your office. I wish I can wipe that out of my memory. Ugh.....please do not ask me to talk about it or mention it ever.

Dear T!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG...thanks, certain word, a certain word, omg a certain word

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

T,

I need you, I'm scared of the world and need to SH.

You want me to let myself feel my emotions instead of trying to squash them like there's something wrong with me for feeling them, but I can't. How do you let go of something you've controlled your whole life??

Dear T,

Since I started therapy with you again, I'm getting more anxious for the sessions every week. I'm so ashamed of myself that I needed therapy again. I even doubted if I should have you as a therapist again or just look for another so you wouldn't know what a mess I was again. But you've been the only one who ever understood me and was able to help me.
I feel so much shame. I just want the ground to eat me up. And I hate myself so much for being such a failure.

T - I'm tired of trying. When is it okay to say, "enough is enough?"

What is SH?