Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

I am so bored and always wonder what you're doing. I can't help thinking of your life as perfect and being jealous. I wish i was you.

I hate when I message you because I never get the response I want which is probably, "Oh. Poor you. It must be rough. I will be thinking about you. Call if you need to talk otherwise I will check in on you later."

Instead, your response is...

Me- Cried last night. Really bad right now. Going home. Don't bother calling in meds. I know today is about, but not last night. See you in 2 weeks.

You- Ok.

I'm broke and I have no money for any meds, probably will have to cancel my next appointment, and my plan is to stay in bed all weekend and hopefully sleep away the depression. I will have to work a few hours tomorrow but it will be in solitude mostly. My head is pounding. I am not telling you about that because it won't help. Please contact me sometime so I know someone cares about me.

Darling T -

Thank you for 5 minutes of your time today.
I hope you know I'm trying.
I hope I was clear enough with you yesterday how much I'm struggling.

I am glad you are my T.

~EM

I miss you. I feel desperately lonely. I hate being here. I hate this house.

(((8888an8888)))

Hang in there. I promise it will pass...

Dear T

I wish I could call you, I'm shaking in anxiety. Again. This is hard.

I really want to tell you about my transference. I really want to clear the air and be able to look you in the eye again. I think I'm almost there.

I often wonder what mine (MC, not so much my T) is doing, too. For some weird reason, I seem to picture him and his family (has two teenage kids) all sitting in their nice living room quietly reading books, with some sort of music on in the background. Yet, I know he watches lots of sports (we discuss it in session), his wife has some TV shows she watches (he hasn't said what), and I'm sure his kids are doing their own things, too. So I have no idea where I get that image from!

Hi T,
It's getting worse.

I'm doing the assignment you gave me. I'm trying to stay out of bed. I fixed my bed. I'm trying, but I'm so freaking down. I've been crying alot for the past few days, especially after reading something my brother's kid wrote. It confirmed a huge worry I've had.

It's just triggering me more. I know that you've said I deserve to live here. I'm so lost. I want to email or call you, but I won't. I feel like you put a moratorium on talking about this particular feeling. I feel like we're not defining things the same way. Stupid freaking semantics. As much as I need to see you, I'm thinking about cancelling my appointment next week. I'm in so much pain. It feels like my mind is critically ill. IDK where to turn to.

Dear T,

I think it's awfully sweet how you are all joining in on the cover-up. I just have one question. If what you did was not illegal, immoral or unethical, then why in the world would you need to cover it up so bad? I gotta tell, you this is troubling.

Your loyal client

Hi T,
I miss you, I miss you...
I'd really like to email, just to talk about some silly thing. I like laughing with you. I wish I could think of a good reason to send you something funny. We did that back and forth thing a few times before via email. It was so nice. I wish I could think of something to say to start it again...
But it's 10:30 on a Friday night, so even if I could think of something, I wouldn't send it. I don't like to bother you on the weekend, so it'll be Monday before I can write you, and then I see you Tuesday anyway, so...

T and/or CM,

I don't know what to do. Crisis didn't call to check in, not yesterday and not today. CM, did you request it like you said you would? Are they just not calling for some reason? What do i do now?

I'm a bit scared 'cos i've been struggling a lot with flashbacks and anxiety and the contact might be helpful so things don't continue getting worse, but i'm unsure what i need and i'm worried now that they don't want to deal with me.

I keep doing all the things i'm supposed to, but sometimes it's just not enough. Feel small and frightened and not always 'here', but just thinking about calling - especially when i don't know why they haven't called me - is making me anxious. Maybe i'll just try to tough it out a while longer?

I wish one of you was around to help me figure out what to do.

Why was I put through so much torment? All I wanted was the truth and an apology. Instead I have to go through this. What was it about her that you loved so much? I don't get it. She's not a T. Why tell her my personal business? She had no right to know anything let alone everything I said to you. What was done to me was a disgrace.

I feel angry towards you and idk why

Today wasn much fun. Unearthed more stuff. Thank god for my sponsor

How was I supposed to know you couldn't handle me? I thought it was normal to tell a T your problems. I thought I could trust you 100%. How was I supposed to know I couldn't? How will I ever know who I can trust? Maybe it's best to trust NO ONE.

I think about you all the time :3

I wish I could call you. I know that I shouldn't so I won't. I wish you knew how much I am hurting. How I can't stop crying for more than 4 hours. I know that you have a life outside of work. Maybe you're working today too, at the hospital. You know that it's my mom's birthday today. She would've been 76. I guess that's kinda old but you're only 65. When I think back on the times I've asked you why you didn't call me to check in on me I remember you saying, "I know you're OK. It's you who thinks that you're not ok. You're not going to die but it is going to hurt a lot. All I can do from the phone is try to get you out of your head and you can do that on your own now."

I know you're right about all of that. I guess I'd just like to hear you say that I'm going to be okay even though I know it somewhere deep down inside. F***! I'm on my lunch break crying. I think I'm gonna steal some tissues from work since I ran out at home. Now my eyes are red, nose is red, face is wet, shirt is wet, and I feel dead inside.

I need a little office diversion and I know where to get it. Thanks.

Hi T, Shakey again. I missssssssssss you!

I'm waiting to see you. I think about you and about the issues we were talking about. I'm still thinking and rethinking these issues. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and I'm not comfortable with them, but I'm grateful, as you push me in a better direction.

Hey t guess what. Another interesting sign to myself that indeed I am on board with this ending therapy stuff. I just emailed you a couple dreams to talk about Thursday, and promptly closed my email. I was about to close my laptop and go check the laundry when I realized what that meant, closing my email and going to do something else. It means I'm not going to be compulsively refreshing my email every minute and a half hoping for a response for the next 2 hours like I always used to do. Interesting. And wonderful. And I haven't sent you an email for over 2 weeks anyway, until this one. How weird is that huh? haha eta now I go check my laundry!

I wish things had been different before we ended. I wish I had found this place (PC) years ago. Then I would have known the things I should have brought up in session. I don't know that I would have, seeing as you scared me a little. I was so afraid of making you angry or annoyed with me, I tried to be careful what I said. I've never said this before, so I'm going to say it here: I love you.
It still hurts missing you. I still cry for you. I know you are in a better place now. I hope you are watching over me like my guardian angel.

Today I cried over you in public.

I feel abandoned