Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear T,
My plan of purposely trying to be late for my session, doesn't quiet work when you text me and tell me you are running late and that I should take my time getting there.. Damn it! lol.. Thanks, though.. I see what you were doing there with telling me you were running late and I appreciate that.
Also, I think you are doing a great job with my therapy. It kind of made me sad a bit when I asked why I wasn't getting better when you blamed yourself. I know that there are things that I should be doing to get better that I am have been afraid of doing. I guess it is good practice for you to question if there is something different you could do, something you could change. Just know that I am thankful that I ended up with you as my T. Thank you for seeing my progress this week, even if it was a little and even after admitting to SI and the same ideations. I think we are a good team!
I am so sick of living like this, I think I have hit my rock bottom.. It is time for me to get better and it is time to try stuff I haven't been willing to try in the past. Ugh.. scary!

See ya next week!

Hi T,
Yup, it's me again. I just wanted to say that I didn't realize that you know how bad the depression is.
Jaydo

T and CM,

Thought about what you might suggest and decided to ask for help. It was a good call. Thanks for drilling it into me that it's okay to ask; still not sure i believe it, but at least i'm getting better at acting as if i do.

I really, really, really want to talk to you right now...I replay our conversations over and over in my head and I can't wait until Wednesday. You told me last session when I was constantly thinking about another person in my life that I'm probably looking to her to fill some void and now I'm thinking that I'm doing that with you. I know it comes down to self-compassion but right now I'm struggling with that...

I just realized this week that the one person I thought was my best friend in the city I just moved to is actually someone I don't want to have any type of relationship with. She is negative and manipulative so I want to phase her out of my life. And now I realize there is no one here that I am close with.

Last week I didn't have an answer to you're question but now I know what is creating this void and I need to process it with you. Get ready for Wednesday

dear T

duke won and its my bday and i saw you today and i gave u ur present for ur office and u liked it and we named him kim and i had a good day . thanks for being my T !!!!

me

Dear T

I'm so scared you are mad at me for asserting myself.

I'm sorry for slipping back to the attachment I have with you so quickly. My improvement didn't last long. Maybe when this depression lifts I can get back on track. Also I lied to you.

You said, "You were talking to me today and you haven't been misbehaving until now. I mean you haven't been looking at me weird until now. You are aren't you?" I lied and said that I wasn't and I'm sorry I lied. I will fess up when I see you again but it bothers me when I lie to you, which is rare.

euhh, I'm just not made for intimacy. I hate myself so much. You just have noooo idea. What am i supposed to do with my life and my shame?

Its easter...

T, I am still missing you. See you in two days.

today is going to be a really hard day. :-( i wonder if you will think of me at all

I wonder what you are doing today. Do you even celebrate Easter? I bet you don't but I bet you talk to your girls on the phone today. Maybe I should call my dad.

I'm scared how i'll be tonight. Its such a triggering nasty day for me why can't it be over

Dear T

I told you I'd looked at other therapists as it was the truth. I told you I'd tried forums and helpline and anything I could think to get the support I need. I really hope you weren't mad at me and that you're not going to terminate now.

I'm not ready to end therapy. There's still so much I want to say to you and ask you. I like talking to you so much. It's different now the heavy stuff is covered and we can talk about other things. Finally there's room for that. I think I need a few more sessions like that. It feels like the good way to end things. I don't know how to tell you, I'm afraid you'll just think I want more appointments because I'm scared. Or that you'll just say no.

I am missing you so badly this week! I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it had a lot to do with the things I wanted to talk to you about last week - about missing my girlfriends. I suppose that's it. I miss them so badly and then you weren't there either. I wish so much to have those friendships back, just the way they were. But I've changed and the girls have changed and so much time has passed and so much stuff has happened and I'm the one who created the distance in the first place. I still love them, but the reality is they're not my best besties anymore I don't have best besties anymore and I don't know how to fix that and it hurts SO FUPPING MUCH!!

Dear T,
I see you tomorrow and I'm a little bit anxious about having to talk about what happened when I was at my daughter's house. It's a little bit scary and frightening. But I hope I can get the words out.

Thank you for taking a look at what went wrong in our last session but I don't understand. I overstepped my boundary by asking a mutual acquaintance for a general description of what your H looked like. I immed confessed on the phone, saying I found out he was "tall and nice." You laffed and said he is.

But then in session you teased me about "all the questions and grilling for info" and then when I was triggered out of my mind, said you were only joking - you weren't upset.

You said the bad mojo between us was bc you violated boundary: giving me access to someone who knows u outside office. And then said my boundary was weak for being upset by your reaction and that it was ok to ask the question. But I was triggered bc I was ashamed at what I had done. How can it be ok to ask someone else about your husband?? Why don't you think what I did was inexcusable? You said it's ok for me to have a voice, but I don't see how that's so if I trample other people. How can I return to face you? I feel like there is no hole deep and dark enuff for me. I deserve to be terminated. But please don't.

This has got to die, this has got to stop..

Sometimes I wish I could meet with you everyday. I just replay our conversations over and over. I miss you and when you look at me and listen to me, I finally feel like I matter. Can't wait to see you this week.

I wish you had been my therapist 40 years ago. Understanding then what we talked about in the last session would have put my life on a different trajectory. The fact that you weren't born yet 40 years ago is just a minor detail.

i wish you were here.

Dear T

You bumped my appointment up to tomorrow because of your schedule. I guess this means you still want to see me. So nervous.

I miss you. I can't wait for you to get bacK from Florida. 2 weeks is a long long time. Good thing work is super busy and the weather is good so I've been out riding V every evening which helps.

Darling T,

Thank you for accepting me for all the rawness and overflowing emotional mess that I am right now. You say you do and I'm hoping that's the truth.

~EM