Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

dear T

i woke up too early now i feel all cracked out and i have to work til 9pm tonight. UGH OMG

halp

me

Dear MC,

You're so good at knowing what to say to make me feel better. Pretty sure it's partly because of your training and partly because our minds seem to work so similarly--you know what I need to hear because it's what you would want to hear. Of course there's a bunch of other stuff I could say, but I've said way too much to you (in person) lately, so I'll just go with "Thanks for being you."

T, Do you love me? Not romantically but, platonic love or maybe agape. Like you might love a child. I am not asking if you love me as much as you love your children. I think that the answer is yes but I want to ask you directly. I have heard you say, "I couldn't do what I do (therapy) if I didn't love those who I care for." I don't know why, but I just want to say, "Do you love me?" I want to hear a simple, "Yes." or "Yes, I love all my patients." or "Yes. I have platonic or agape love for you."

I'm not sure now is the time to ask you, with my depression being a big issue at the moment and my attachment to you. Get ready though, when the time is right... I'm going to ask you.

Thank you for giving me something to show you trust me. I appreciate you trying to build trust.

Hi T,
I'm so glad I didn't cancel my appointment. I am a little worried about my next appointment day. I really don't like having two appointments on the same day, especially when they're so many miles apart. It's going to make for a stressfully long day.

Thanx for everything.

Glad to see you today.

Why?? Why?? Why?? Why did you turn against me?? I was so good to you and you know it!!! The least you could have given me was some respect. You will never be able to keep a client if that is the way you treat them (like dirt).

I miss youuuuuuuuuuuu

I wrote you a semi-long email last night. I had a lot of "not really important" questions, but I wanted to get them out of my head because they weren't going away by themselves. I also confessed to trolling ex-T's daughter's and husband's FB pages. I'm worried what you'll think of me. Worried that you won't trust what I tell you anymore. Worried that you'll tell me we have to terminate and I need to find a new T. Worried that you'll think I won't respect your boundaries. I see you in two days. The anxiety is just going to build until I'm shaking all over and feel like I'm going to pass out...

Dear T
Having to wait 2 weeks to our next session seemed way too long 2 weeks ago. But now that I'll see you in less than 19 hours... I want to see, but I also not want to see you? I'm just really feeling like talking. I'm still tired from the weekend and I'm still in a bit of a blank state. I don't really feel anything, a bit sad, but I also can't really think. I'm just tired. I have enough of everything.
I'm curious about your new workplace, but also nervous. You told me there was a common waiting room and I'm anxious about that. Will there be other people.
I'll know more tomorrow. See you then.

Darling T -

3 Hours til I get to come spend and hour in my safe space.

I have so much to talk about and nothing to say.

I'm walking in vulnerable, raw, and open - be gentle.

Please.

~EM

Should be interesting to find out what we talked about today. since there's been a lot of things happening. Which is a good thing

I think we can both agree that was a little boring. and I halfway wish that we would have discussed something different..... but what? Am I back to how I was before? All this crap happened.

I sent you an important email, I think I'm on to something. Hopefully your reply is what I expect and need. Please let it be good.

Dear T

I'm afraid to talk to you about this. I kind of mention is once, or in my intake, but I also said I didn't had any plans. But these thoughts bother me. I'm afraid to tell you. I'm afraid to tell you how bad I'm really feeling. I Always kind of make it sound like I'm not as worse as I'm really feeling'. I just Always do that. I just don't really have good experiences from t's before you.
I was looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, but now... I just want to run away. From everything. I want to hide. I also don't want to be alone. But where ever I am, I will feel lonely anyway. So it's better to hide from everything.
I;m hurting. I don't know what to do. We have only had 7 sessions so far, but it feels like an eternity. Maybe it is because I have seen you so long before when I was in therapy with you. I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm a bad client. That I'm not doing good. Because I still feel as bad as 10 weeks ago.
I really don't want to see you tomorrow. I feel like such a failure.

I hate you

Dear T

Today's session was hard. I needed to review how to deal with something I have failed at most of my life. Thank you for patiently going over it again.

It's only been 7 sessions--you're not a failure! You can't be expected to change so quickly. Go to your appointment and talk--it will help.

7 sessions is still only getting to know each other and telling your story. I don't think any real work gets done till after a few months?

Dear P-doc,
I know that you were trying to make the relationship we had meaningful in my life but I'm sorry, I can't. I can't let you or our therapy sessions matter to me on a deeper level because you're right, it's a defence mechanism, because I can't handle the hurt. There's just way too much pain inside that it's better to keep it all caged up. You're trying to unleash pandora's box. Although our relationship was short, I agreed that we had done some good work. But because it's been short, I've been anticipating your leave for a while and I didn't feel anything about it ending. One day, when I do learn to mourn my losses and the end of things, I promise I will mourn this.

Is it really going to be three weeks until I see you again? Did you feel my pang of disappointment from across the room when you said that was your next available slot? um, okay. I'll be fine. Damn it. damn it. Damn it. No I'll be fine, really.

I've become fairly comfortable sitting across the room from you. I feel as if I can tell you almost anything. This scares me.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I have so much to talk about

Can I see less of you yet?

Please reply! Can't wait any longer.