Couch 90 - nine tee - not nine teen.

Hello all! Wiki, were we separated at birth? Another "ashamed of myself" almost from birth. Tallest kid in every class picture, fat, glasses, socially awkward, etc. I got picked on more for fat than tall, more for four eyes than for smart. Stinks.

Anyway! This is the body I get, mine to live in until I die, and I've finally accepted it. Still a little pissed about the size of the hands and feet, but whatevs. I feed it, exercise it, rest it, medicate it, resent it, b * t c h about it, because it's mine! It's broken in now, you know, like an old shoe.

This. When I was trying to drop the pounds, I flatlined near my goal weight. I was so effing hungry and I ate like half a pizza. In the weirdest of weird, two days later I dropped the last couple of pounds I'd been struggling against.

I also prefer to eat smaller portions of full fat.

Since I wasn't exactly planning to be around, I... er... ate a lot of food and gained weight myself. Then I was hospitalized and oh, look, guess I am here and need to fit into my pants

I need to clean (lots of dusting and vacuuming), which is fun probably only to me. My back being totally screwed up has really put a cramp in my extreme OCD (the straightening/cleaning type), damnit...and that is making me extra depressed. So I guess the answer to your question on my end (since it was kind of a downer) is probably, um, no?

You may sit on my coffin couch!!

So I am supposed to be trying Fetzima and I keep putting off starting it. I hate feeling either horribly anxious or else having stomach issues; those are the most common side effects I get, and I HIGHLY doubt this one will be any different. Argh.

I didn't react well to Fetzima. I ended up with heart palpitations. I tried to deal with it but in the end, it was so frustrating I stopped

Me too....

Plus a hockey game Sunday.

That is scary! I experienced heart palpitations with Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin was horrible, overall...GP (a nurse practitioner, actually) prescribed it to me, probably one of the most anxious people ever, which should never, ever be done. No idea what he was thinking.

I had such major anxiety with Wellbutrin - both times I tried it. Oddly, I didn't have anxiety with Fetzima, it was just heart palpitations which is weird I know. But it was irritating as hell.

If it matters, it manifested fairly early on for me - like within a week of starting the 40s so if you do start it, you'll know pretty quick I would think - and I'm a delayed responder according to my genetic testing.

I'm actually off to a major research hospital next week because my PDoc is kind of out of ideas.

I'm going to crochet a blackbird pie, which does go with the pie theme. The crust was easy. The 4 & 20 blackbirds are more challenging. I started with a crow pattern I found on the internet but I'm having to make so many changes it's another pattern. It's for a community art place, kind of a long story. The current theme is Butcher Shop.

It was on my "Green" list from the genetic testing, so I am hoping, but not sure if that means anything. I am actually an ultrarapid metabolizer for the gene that metabolizes antidepressants, antipsychotics (which I have also tried for depression), and pain meds...which explains ALOT. I knew I metabolized things in an odd way but now I have the test results that explain why! I got the gene from my father...he is the same way. I am also a delayed responder in addition, I believe.

I am impressed with your pdoc and also with you; very brave of you to try out new things! Do you know yet what you will be taking part in exactly or do you find out when you get there?

I tried to send you a PM a few nights ago when I decided but you don't accept PMs. I appreciate your kind words. I know I'm not seen that way by a lot of others but it is nice to know it is your experience I really did try to apply the golden rule when on the couch. I know there were many times I was seen as cold and heartless. Perhaps someday with Karma...the good will out weigh the bad.

I wish you find your way to being happy with who you are because you really are a special person.

Wellbutrin plus Zoloft for DD1, who has panic attacks lasting up to 2 hours!!! Me and her Pdoc gotta have a serious talk.

I'm for bed now, peeps. Have a good night!

That's impressive, truly! I made scrambled eggs this morning...that is what cooking is for me! I cooked and baked when I was married (like 9 years ago). Since it's just me right now, I just make quick and easy stuff when I need to eat.

Thanks. Let's see if I follow through now.

Catching up. I think its a good way to reinforce the new behaviors. Also just to acknowledge that they really do exist - i find myself doing a lot of that in t recently, and its kinda surprising to me that its so important.

Home and alive. Calm and sleepy. Hair is less poofy then it was earlier. Dinner accomplished, still hate food.

Was your T appt. good then? And I am not big on food myself (except candy). I am often too anxious too eat.

The session itself was, well, interesting. I feel a little more grounded than I did before so I'd say that's good.

A gawker! I guy who has had his appt before mine for the past month turns around and gawkes at me on the way out of session. There's a doorway wall in the way and so he has to turn and lean into the waiting room to see me. He makes eye contact. I hate it. I've mentioned it casually to t but I'm getting freaked out by it. I'm going to have to try to do something to get him to stop.

Do you stare back? How rude of him.

It was on my green too. I also have an enzyme that makes me an ultra-rapid metabolizer!! It's like I'm either a delayed responder for those that are on my good list or I metabolize the rest so fast, why bother?

Ha. I don't feel brave. I don't know yet what they're going to do with me. We'll see. Hopefully something useful right?

Good, good! Some awesome friends gave me a bed AND brought it to the apartment for me AND helped me bring it in.

I've been running around crazy all day, but we're all moved in now, huge mess in my new living room notwithstanding.

The shelter gave me a really nice couch and a table and chairs. Now I just have to figure out how to get it into my apartment

And I bought a bigger bottle of wine

Exactly...my pdoc and I are down to the last few options. Ritalin was actually helpful for awhile (my pdoc is trying to think out-of-the-box a bit), but then I started to have terrible depressive episodes when it wore off. I have tried the other stimulants, but they have been a mess, really.

And yes, I hope they find something that is really helpful for you! That would be excellent!

Speaking of compliments, I had some very nice things said to me today... I don't know what it is that people see in me. I always want to ask... Person who said it said that I just wasn't ready to see it yet. Maybe he's right...