Yeah I feel very aparthetic today. I think something T said about my "defenses" has been going round and round in my head. Starting to feel like I'm loosing something. When I told T yesterday I felt like I was dying last week, she replied "or rather your defenses are dying"

Its like everything I've always done without being aware of before, is to big to miss now. Sirens keep going on when I'm acting or thinking in a particular way, but without this old ways, Its feels kinda lonely right now.

All the "magical" thinking that has kept me company all my life is breaking down, and it feels like I have no where to turn to hide now but to face my Real self!

You know whenever I've said something in T, T's reply has always been "and what is your fantasy around that?" I use to look at her in bewilderment, not understanding what she meant, as my fantasys were the only reality I knew. Now I know when I'm doing it and find myself asking myself "now you know thats BS so whats the truth?"

Even down to something like, I'm walking along, my mind miles away, and find myself compensating for my insecuritys, daydreaming that my figure is fine, then I catch a glimpse of myself in a shopwindow and see its not a perfect figure and now I have to tell myself "so?" why would you be any better a person if your figure was "Perfect?" and I have to struggle to find how to still like myself with an imperfect figure. Just mad stuff like that. ANd when you confront yourself, it feels really depressing to realise all you've done in your mind all these yrs has been crap! its been one fantasy after another, trying to prop yourself up. I used to use booze to prop the fantasys up, now they're falling and its hard and dark and just real I guess.

Ramble ramble ramble.

[withit]

Oh yes Mouse, what you're experiencing is part and parcel of the work we do in therapy. Lots of disillusionment, or rather recovering from years of disillusionment, and bit by bit the confusion gives way to a bit of clarity and a bit more..... Hold onto the wheel for safety; time with trusted friends, journaling, warm baths, deep breathing, whatever comforts you at this time.....things will fall into place soon....
Take gentle care,

[withit]

I recall when I was going through this phase of treatment in therapy it felt to me like the house I had built for myself and inside which I'd resided for so long has crumbled. I had this image of myself standing near a crumbled shack, and myself standing beside it all alone. Without a home, without a goal, without anything. And then the tears came, and I grieved the losses....(gotta go, will check in later...)

Withit, "without a home, without a goal, without anything" yes that is the TRUTH! Can't seem to cry yet though, still in the "disbelief" stage, but yes I feel like I'm mourning! Thanks for the identification!

[withit]

I recall at that time I felt I had lost my identity (my false identity that is), I recall crying in therapy and in bed at night...that I am no longer the 'good' daughter I used to be (obedient and submissive), I am no longer the 'good' wife (obedient, submissive, and taking abuse), and no longer the 'good' sister (taking care of older sis)....the depth of feeling of loss is indescribable....huge....anxiety-provoking....'what do I have left,' I cried....Felt like an anihilation (sp) of self, when the truth is all those defenses were anihilating the self....
This goes back about 6-7 years ago.
The way past this is through it, to allow yourself to feel the sadness, to grieve for as long as you need to...
A book I found helpful around that time was ''Trauma of the Gifted Child'' by Alice Miller.

Takke gentle care,

[DePressMe]

Oh, my…yes, I am glad I am not the only one that fantasizes as a coping mechanism. My fantasies helped me when I was being abused and could not deal with the world. But, Now, they prevent me from facing reality. When life gets stressful, I tend to live in my head as a way to escape. In my head everything is absolutely perfect. And, of course, my real life is never perfect…so I am never satisfied with it. Wow, Mouse, you really hit a button for me. I have never really thought about it like this before. Thanks! I am going to talk to my T. about this in our next session.

[sunrise]

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withit said:
A book I found helpful around that time was ''Trauma of the Gifted Child'' by Alice Miller.

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I read that book last Fall at the recommendation of my T. It helped me understand myself, my childhood, and my mother better. It's a short read--I recommend it.

Yes I read that book a couple of yrs ago, her best book I would say. I did go on to read a couple more by her but found her to sounda little angry. Dont know if anyone else felt that way?

[withit]

Duno about her other books, I've read them but didn't absorb them. This one is a classic.

[sunrise]

mouse, I didn't find her to be angry, but one main thing I didn't like about the book was that she made it sound like all people who grew up in such circumstances were destined to repeat the same mistakes and could never really love their own children. She was just a little too dogmatic. I disagreed with that part a lot. I guess like any book, you have to take away from it what seems valid to you and leave the rest, and for the most part, I found a lot of value in her book.

[withit]

Speaking of books, I once heard a recording of a mental health professionals' convention and this book was highly recommended for clients: Parenting From the Inside Out. Haven't read it yet so can't comment. I think it explains how our caretakers' dysfunctional attachments to us (as helpless children) created the (dysfunctional) person we are, rather created the person I am....can't speak for anyone else but myself.....I ordered it and it arrived today, can't wait to read it.... I think reading it might help make sense out of needs and insecurities, fantasies, self-destructive behavior, dysfunctional attachments to our t's.... probably lots 'aha' moments in that book...

[lauren_helene]

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DePressMe said:
Oh, my…yes, I am glad I am not the only one that fantasizes as a coping mechanism. My fantasies helped me when I was being abused and could not deal with the world. But, Now, they prevent me from facing reality. When life gets stressful, I tend to live in my head as a way to escape. In my head everything is absolutely perfect. And, of course, my real life is never perfect…so I am never satisfied with it.


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Wow is right Mouse and Depressme. I do the same thing. I live in my head more than I like to admit. I actually talk myself out of anxious moments. I pace around the house (no one is home) until the anxiety goes down. I think this is why my p-doc believes I am OCD although my therapist hasn't diagnosed me as OCD.

I'm sorry depressme about your abuse. I don't know what sort of abuse but I get how you feel. I had a nice mix of physical/emotional abuse from my parents and sexual abuse by two people. Not to mention the emotional abuse I suffered all through my school years too.

Maybe in time, our T's will help us let it go...

Well I guess I ought to join in cuz I'm there too. I live in my head and it's getting better, but when I have a period of clear-headedness like I am now...I miss being able to escape into my head. I don't always like being "out here" so much. I hope that doesn't sound completely whacked.

I think my current clear head came from the understanding how the fear of separation and abandonment affect me all day long and contribute to my up and down moods, my perception of my relationships with about everyone. Seeing that component in the relationship, the glimpses here and there, makes the relationship seem not-real to me. It makes me wonder if I am capable of a real relationship.

I pace, too. In my apartment it is 20 steps from my front door to the back. That's getting better too. Sometimes I just pace, sometimes I pace and talk to myself, sometimes I pace and cry... it seems like pacing helps me think.. maybe it slows me down or is a distraction.. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to outrun something.

Last night I was sitting in my living room trying to read (focus and comprehension escape me at the moment) and I looked at the entertainment center and it was as if seeing it for the first time. It was really strange and not comfortable. I think it was just a perfectly normal moment... and I wondered to myself 'How in the world to people live in the present ALL the time?!?' Seems unfathomable to me.

Sunrise, Yes "dogmatic" is proberbly a better word, and I agree there are some very good points in her books, but for me the dogmatic overtures made it hard for me to "trust". I don't know why it effected me that way, strange.