[Patagonia]

It's time for me to end this relationship. It's been 3 yrs. we've had some very difficult roads that she's gotten me thru. When I'd find myself w/2 feet on the ground again I'd email her a thank you for helping me thru these rough patches.
We have sooooo much more to get thru, but we've really drifted apart. I don't trust her & feel like I can't b open to her w/o feeling judged. I've had a drastic change in my lifestyle & I really feel like she can't accept it & doesn't wanto hear about or know about it.
So it's time for me to stop. The question is how? Do I have to write a letter explaining why? Really have no desire to. Do I just say I'm finished w/ T, thanks, bye. Or do I just cancel my next appt & all future appts.
What do I owe her?

Honestly, you don't owe her anything. How you end is completely up to you. If you feel discussing it would bring closure, then do that. If you feel discussing it would just complicate matters, then don't have further contact. You have to know what is best in your particular circumstance.

[stopdog]

A client does not owe a therapist anything other than the fee per appointment. A final appointment would be for the client's benefit, not that of the therapist, and if one does not think it would be useful, then why do it.

[gayleggg]

I don't think you owe her anything. If you don't feel like giving an explanation I don't think that you need to. I would just cancel any appointments I have scheduled and leave it at that.

[LindaLu]

Patagonia, I've read your posts with interest for a long time and had similar life situation although not in therapy at the time. Im not in sessions with you obviously but it sounded like your T treated you with gritted teeth and grim tolerance. I hope thats not too harsh and not meaning to offend you if things improved, but if YOU feel its time, thats all that counts. My personal plan --and I told my T this -- if and when I terminate I'll meet in person to tell her. It will be short and to the point. But you CAN do anything: letter, email, phone or whatever. Good luck wherever you go from here.

I don't think you owe her anything either. It's your therapy, and up to you how/when to end it. I wish you the best whatever you decide!

[SoupDragon]

You don't owe her anything, but I'd just say to check with yourself that YOU would not gain anything from seeing her face to face.

I know for me I have a pattern of running from things in my life when they get too difficult as I have difficulty resolving real life conflict.

I ended with my T two weeks ago by letter. It was my choice, I think I was having awful therapy. I had only been seeing her months, not years, like you, however it has been a hard two weeks (I'm putting it mildly here). I am starting to feel a bit better now. I wonder if you might be better off having a few termination sessions. I literally felt that I couldn't attend another session with my T, but when I had spoken to her before about ending she had urged me to 'do an ending' with her, she suggested four sessions in which we reviewed our time together. I wonder if that might be better for you? Might help to deal with the loss, and ( I presume) the anger that you feel.

It depends on whether or not you think it would do more harm than good to see her in person for this. If I remember correctly, she has parts that like to give their opinion and judgements. In that case, I'd give the most distant and expedient notice that you're not returning and why (if you feel you need to explain), but not the leave door open for her to get things off her chest about your life choices.

fwiw, I think you're doing the right thing.

[InRealLife45]

It hasnt been quite three years with my T, but close- and I feel the same way. Afraid to speak up for fear of judgement she says isnt there, but is, bc everything I say recieves a negative reaction.

I want to end too, I know the therapy is bad (nonexistent) but I don't know how to walk away from her.

[NowhereUSA]

I don't think one owes their T. That being said, if I were to leave my T, while I've told him I would just disappear (because I hate goodbyes), he's actually gone above and beyond for me and so if I were to find myself in a position to just terminate, I'd probably send him an email or a letter thanking him for his time and efforts.

I've worked with him for a good while though and he's told me that when it comes time for me to move on he'd like to still hear how I'm doing down the road (H and I have talked about moving). So. Y'know. Every relationship is a bit different. I think you find what works for you.

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

It hasnt been quite three years with my T, but close- and I feel the same way. Afraid to speak up for fear of judgement she says isnt there, but is, bc everything I say recieves a negative reaction.

I want to end too, I know the therapy is bad (nonexistent) but I don't know how to walk away from her.

Hi IRL, I've followed your threads before - what about transitioning to a new T -start seeing a new one and see her/him for a couple of weeks before you end the other? Maybe this would help deal with the loss? I have been having some acupuncture since I stopped, don't know if it has helped. I have made an appointment to see a new T who has the kindest face I can imagine ( hope she looks like that in real life). I think it might the thought of talking to her that has helped me to sleep better. I think you are thinking of training as T- maybe you could consider it research to experience a different T - though I think you said you had had other T's. I'm sure there is a wonderful T out there who will talk and listen to you in the way you deserve. Good luck

[Patagonia]

Wow! Thank you everyone who has responded. Once again I'm in debt to this website. You make me think.

I told the office that I canceled everything. Then walked away. I was happy. Next day I get an email from T asking if I was terminating... Why so....& shouldn't we have a termination appt.
Usually I'm quick to answer her. First thought was hell NO. Then I waited.
I'd like to some day, get a divorce from H. We have kids & I'd like to have rights to them too. I know my H will try & use my MH as a great excuse to keep me away. So I wrote back saying that since we've only had 2 appts since Xmas that I feel like I've been doing pretty good. Yes we can do a termination appt.
So now I have to hold my head high for this appt. She knows I've entered Into the bdsm lifestyle & she's does not approve. This is my hang up.

I've looked around to other T's in the area & none are willing to work w/my lifestyle & diagnoses. That's frustrating, but started to think maybe I just don't need T. Maybe I just need to relax in my head & try it all by myself!
I hope so.
Thanks everyone.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

So now I have to hold my head high for this appt. She knows I've entered Into the bdsm lifestyle & she's does not approve. This is my hang up.

I've looked around to other T's in the area & none are willing to work w/my lifestyle & diagnoses. That's frustrating, but started to think maybe I just don't need T. Maybe I just need to relax in my head & try it all by myself!
I hope so.
Thanks everyone.

why on earth do they care about your sex life? is that an issue you need to discuss in therapy? does it bleed over into your day to day life? i dont understand that being a "disqualification" for finding a new t

[divine1966]

Duplicate

[divine1966]

I agree. Although I do understand that sex comes up in session I don't understand why would that be something preventing finding t or keeping old t? Is this s&m life not with your husband? Does she not approve of that? But even then what does it mean she doesn't approve?

My t doesn't approve me jumping into relationships and having sex too soon And getting obsessed and overspending etc but that is why I am in therapy! And some things she might disapprove that I think are ok but so what

Why do they need to approve? They aren't our mothers. Lol and did she tell you ste doesn't approve? And when you call around looking for t his would they even know your sex life? I would discuss it in therapy but not while making an appointment. Would you tell a secretary by the way I like to do this and that in a bedroom?

And what kind of t refuses to see a new client because they like to be dominated in sex? Who cares? Seems strange to



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I think the OP's therapist has openly offered her judgement on this, said she had a part that needed to do that.

Good for you, Patagonia, for holding your own.

I'm tossing around terminating with my t, well she and I have been tossing around the idea, dancing around it I guess actually... we've been talking for almost 3.5 years now, and she said the other day that what we're doing is not really therapy anymore, I forgot what word she used instead. We have not set an actual termination date yet, but my last couple of sessions have definitely felt like "we're winding things up" sessions to me. I want it this way, I want to process the winding up, breaking away, and the goodbyes with her.

[Patagonia]

So I had my last appt today & I survived. No tears, no breakdowns no regrets!
I kno some posters were asking about the bdsm issue.
Lickityspljt is right. My T told me she has issues w/me going down this path & also the infidelity to my H & family. I did post about it in a previous thread saying I felt judged.

A T that was familiar w/ the lifestyle would be great, but there's few & far between. I talked to my T about having serious issues w/subdrop. She asked ME what that was. So I kind of explained, but I'm not 100% sure. I just know it's bad. The next wk I brought it up again just hoping she maybe read alittle bit about it so she could understand it & help me. She breezed right over it. My choices in my life has changed our T dynamic & I don't feel like it's the same.

She was nice during the appt. Asked me what I've learned about myself. Where she sees that I've improved since coming in. We didn't go over anything although she asked about my H again. Of course nothing else about my other relationships.
I thanked her, said I learned a lot about myself & feel pretty good (ok that was the only lie). But she did tell me that if I'm terminating & wanto come back that I'd go on the wait list like other new clients. I guess I understand that....I think.

So thanks to everyone & their advice. I really hope I've made the right decision & can finally stand on my own w/o being attacked from my past. Thank you