[JaneC]

I hope you all don't get sick of me posting, it is just a rough time, and more questions are coming up than answers.......

And what I really should do....like process my feelings with my T...feels completely impossible. I am so hopeless.

My T told me his final date, 24 April.....5 weeks, and then proceeded to say that during that time he would be off for at least one of my appointments for "training' AND one of my appointments falls on a frikkin public holiday!!!!!!!

At this point, you'd expect, would be a prime time to talk about how it makes me feel.....right? WRONG. I passive aggressively(or something) tell him, "whatever, you're going to do what you're going to do anyway" when he tried to talk about alternative times.

He told me, you're allowed to be angry about this Jane ....."no I'm not"......it's ok to be angry Jane..."no it's not".....well, he says, it is ok with me for you to be angry at me right now..."well it's not ok with me"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hold back tears, silence, and change of topic.

I AM USELESS!!!!!

He asked me about me saying "is there no way we can continue with this therapy" in my email to him. He asked me how I could see that happening. So asked him the question back, and he said he could not see a practical way it could work. So I told him that was the answer. USELESS me again........because what I wanted to ask him was, can he not register wit a certain service and then we do Skype sessions, or meet half way or some frikkin thing else.............. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I couldn't do it.

Yep, I am a mess and I messed up the session. He was so KIND, and patient, and supportive, and validating, and accommodating........and I just HATE HATE HATE that I have to lose him.

And I couldn't let him see my emotions.....to help me. I am useless!

I feel like I almost wasted one of my sessions, what a flippin mess!!

not sure I'm doing this the right way....

[Crazy Hitch]

(((Jane)))

I never get sick of you posting.

That is why we are here.

To support one another.

I have times when I have to post a lot too.

And this is beneficial to our recovery to receive input from members.

I am sorry that you are feeling hopeless.

I don't like the feeling of anger. It's uncomfortable for me.

Please be easy on yourself. I hear you when you say you feel useless.

I am sorry that he can not see a practical way for this therapy to continue. This is difficult to hear.

Hate is a very powerful emotion. I feel hate too sometimes. When I have a lack of control over what is going on.

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

We are here for you.

[unaluna]

Idk, i agree, it would feel terrifying to be angry with someone who is going to leave! Otoh, at least you are being honest and you have a good excuse?

[feralkittymom]

Jane, there is no "perfect" termination. You may not be feeling the emotions you'd like to feel, but you are in touch with your emotions--and I think that's the most important thing. Expressing them to him right now is secondary. You may also find going forward that your feelings change rapidly, so don't assume you're somehow doomed to "fail" the process. Your last session may be very different from what you're anticipating based upon this one. Your T sounds very attuned, and that makes me feel he will be flexible in accommodating your needs. I suspect he'll be fine with you e-mailing or calling him at some point in the future if there's somethng you want to say that doesn't get said during these sessions. There were things I told my T a few years after we ended therapy; it was fine. I don't think my thoughts surprised him, but I needed to say them. You're doing fine.

I am never sick of you posting. termination was always going to be a rocky horrible time and it's okay to be angry with him. anyone would be.

Your anxiety and fears and anger is understandable.

Have you started looking for another therapist yet?

[guilloche]

Hang in there Jane. This is really tough stuff to deal with, for anyone. Sometimes emotions get the better of us, and we don't react the way we wish we would (!). It's OK. Your feelings... all OK. You're allowed to feel what you feel...

And, nobody's going to get sick of you posting here. It's the whole reason this place exists . Heck, I've had really awful days, totally alone and cut off from the world, just *wishing* someone would post something here for me to reply to (shhhh I didn't just admit that!)

I'm sorry that he's still going, and that he's now going to miss 2 out of 5 of your remaining appointments! That would really upset me, a lot. I don't often yell, but that might just push me over the edge, personally.

So it sounds like you didn't get a chance to reschedule those two appointments? Do you want to? It seems like they might be helpful for you... can you give him a call to see about scheduling them now (my worry would be that as he starts winding down with people, his schedule might fill up with others who need to squish in more appointments... I wouldn't want you to miss the chance to have all the support you want and need!)

What do you think?

[laxer12]

Maybe you could start seeing another T for the next month while you terminate with your original T. I'm not sure if it will help at all, but overlapping them might make the transition a little easier.

Hang in there! You'll get through this just like you have with everything else in your life. It's okay to be angry and it's reassuring that your T expresses this to you. Being mad is okay.

Post on here all you want

[GeminiNZ]

Jane, i second guilloche on asking T about rescheduling those two appointments - and doing it quickly as other clients will probably be wanting to do the same. This is a difficult enough process as it is without missing out on two sessions. Don't give yourself time to think about it, or worry about it, or second guess your reasons or how your T might react to it - just email him today, now, and ask to reschedule so you get your full five sessions.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's okay to be angry, to be scared, to be silent, to be all over the place with this. It's a big upheaval, and a big loss, and it's going to bring up all kinds of thoughts and feelings and reactions. Sounds like your T is right there with you, and we're here for you, too.

Sending you hugs and positive vibes.

[InRealLife45]

No one is sick of your posting. You're experiencing a loss and we are all here for you.

Why don't you send him this post, exactly?

So he can understand?

I totally get you rejecting what he was offering because you were trying to defend yourself from feeling any more hurt over this.

If he is as kind as you say, he probably will understand that too. (at the same time though it might still not be possible for you to follow him to wherever he is going...)but I think you should still ask. All he can say is yes or no. You have nothing to lose bc he is already leaving, but maybe something to gain in case you can work it out somehow? I know this must be so hard for you. hang in there, you can make it through this.

[JaneC]

Thank you all for saying it is ok to keep posting here, genuinely, thank you so much. The support helps, a lot.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Have you started looking for another therapist yet?

I have looked at sites, names, researched some, spoken to T about some....it is too overwhelming......I do not know if I can do this.

Originally Posted by Hooligan

(((Jane)))
I am sorry that he can not see a practical way for this therapy to continue. This is difficult to hear.:

It just said to me that he didn't care enough(would there ever be enough!) and even when I think now......maybe he was giving me an opening to ask for something like that...... my friend tells me that is just me grasping at straws.....

Originally Posted by guilloche

:I'm sorry that he's still going, and that he's now going to miss 2 out of 5 of your remaining appointments!
(my worry would be that as he starts winding down with people, his schedule might fill up with others who need to squish in more appointments... I wouldn't want you to miss the chance to have all the support you want and need!):

I asked for an extra appointment next week, Tuesday, but did not want to ask about the other weeks.....in hindsight maybe I should have. He said he would come with me if I wanted him to, to meet a new therapist, but how on earth would that all fit in....if his schedule is already this full. I asked him that, and said it ought to be possible if I can get one before he leaves....... ****!! he's leaving..........

Originally Posted by GeminiNZ

Sounds like your T is right there with you, and we're here for you, too..

Yes, he is, he is right there being caring and as supportive as he can be........which somehow makes it bloody worse for **** sake!!

Sorry, I don't mean to shout at people and be rude.....but I keep it all in all day long, and come the evening here.....it seems to spew out..... especially if my son is not here, and I had to drop him to his dad tonight........ I am sorry

[pbutton]

This is hard stuff. Keep posting. Let it out.

[JaneC]

OMGawd........ feeling panicked.......

I just sent an email to 2 therapists. Now I am totally scared, tearful and have chest pains. I know it is anxiety......I'm breathing. But sheesh........why is this so hard.

I almost want them to tell me no, or not answer my questions, or give me a response that I don't like......so I can NOT see them! What is that all about????