[purplemystery]

I had to terminate with my T when I graduated last May, but it doesn't always feel like much time has passed at all. I still think of her every day, analyze things she said and wonder what she meant, and curse myself for not asking certain questions. As I work in the human service field, I am often reminded of her and try to imagine how she must have seen me now that I have a new perspective as a professional (though I'm not a therapist). Sometimes I admit that I purposely think of her because I don't want to forget her, and she serves as a distraction to other aspects of my life.

I finally developed a positive way of remembering her and had the perspective that she cared about me... but then I re-read my journals and messed that up. For one, I'm angry at her because I don't know if she believed that I have what it takes to be in the human service field (due to social anxiety related things-- she was all about me accepting my limitations), and I'm afraid she's right. However, I'm not even 100% sure she didn't believe in me, it just feels/seems that way.

For another, I'm having a tough time believing I mattered when I obviously cared so much more about the relationship (since the therapeutic relationship itself is unequal). I love(d) her so so deeply, as a therapist and for the incredible, amazing person that she is. I can't explain how much I loved her, and still do love her. She showed many times that she cared, but I'm having a hard time conjuring up those reciprocal warm, loving feelings now that she's gone and she may not be thinking about me at all.

And third, I've been down on myself/unconfident lately and thinking about how maybe she would be disappointed if she knew. It's hard to believe that one woman is right that I am worthy and loveable when it is tested in the real world and I can't justify it with evidence (though I admit I'm harsh on myself). What if ultimately our work amounted to nothing- I'll move on, forget about her, and live my flawed life that I was always going to live?

Is it normal to still miss your therapist after a year, and to have difficulty framing the therapy experience positively? Thanks for reading my rant... I feel a little better after writing it. I know some of you will probably suggest I see another therapist, but that's not possible right now.

it's so so normal to miss her. it sounds like you really cared about that relationship. time heals all wounds

[CANDC]

The interesting thing about your story is that you found the flaws in your belief that your T was a hero. She tried to tell you to be mediocre when you wanted to test your limits. Maybe the hero you made her to be just was something you believed to get you through some tough times.

What if everything does work out, and despite incredible odds you make it in mental health. It is possible and I think you have enough gumption and fortitude to do it. I believe that you can be better than people say you can be. I just feel it as a possibility in you. Nothing will dissuade me from it unless you give up on yourself.

Do you believe in yourself or not?

To me that is the question, not what do I or your T think.

What if everything does work out, and despite incredible odds you make it in mental health. It is possible and I think you have enough gumption and fortitude to do it. I believe that you can be better than people say you can be. I just feel it as a possibility in you. Nothing will dissuade me from it unless you give up on yourself.

What do you believe about you? and
Are you willing to work 110% to be what you want to be deep in your heart?

If you can answer those in a positive way and back it up with actions, what could stop you? Nothing!

If you believe in impossible dreams, you might enjoy this version of the song by that title. Jim Nabors played Gomer Pyle on a television show but really was an incredible singer as you can hear here singing THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

it's so so normal to miss her. it sounds like you really cared about that relationship. time heals all wounds

I did- it was one of the most important relationships of my life. :/ Thanks, at least it's normal and not unnatural.

[purplemystery]

CANDC- Your post really made me see something that I knew but refused to consider fully. You're right, I wanted my T to be a hero and acted like she was. I rarely disagreed with her or challenged her because to lose the stability of the relationship and my idealization for her was too heavy a price to pay. It would mean admitting she was like the rest of the world and admitting that she didn't fully appreciate/understand me. That in fact no one could ever fully do either of those things, because we're human. I wasn't strong enough to see the real person-- I needed to believe that she had achieved a superhuman level of caring. I tried so hard to please her constantly, I'm grieving over her, and she's just a person.

I think this is just what I needed to gain some self-esteem. Right now, as part of the healing process, I think I need to be angry at her to separate a little from her. And I never thought I'd think that because I didn't dare think something negative about her; it's scary and alters my view of our relationship and what we were. When I'm through being angry, I imagine I'll take a more balanced perspective and realize that she still cared a lot, wished me well, and is a wonderful person. I need to believe in me and it doesn't matter the extent of her belief in me either way. After I read your post, I Googled "idealizing therapist" and found this great article (Demigods on Eggshells « what a shrink thinks). Maybe it's time to inject a little reality into my thoughts. Even as I say this, it scares me a lot because it means giving up something valuable. Or does it? Maybe I can find a way to appreciate and love her and our relationship, while also recognizing it wasn't perfect... I'll keep thinking about it.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Sometimes I admit that I purposely think of her because I don't want to forget her, and she serves as a distraction to other aspects of my life.

I can't explain how much I loved her, and still do love her. She showed many times that she cared, but I'm having a hard time conjuring up those reciprocal warm, loving feelings now that she's gone and she may not be thinking about me at all.

Is it normal to still miss your therapist after a year, and to have difficulty framing the therapy experience positively?

My heart goes out to you. I was abruptly terminated from my therapist a few years ago. I know it's not the same but I can relate to what you are feeling. I loved this therapist so much and I genuinely felt that she cared for me as well. After termination, I thought about her every day. I purposefully tried to visualize her face so that I wouldn't forget her. I was so afraid that I would and I would be all alone with nothing. I even tried sending her mental thoughts in hopes that she would somehow think about me.

I have the fairly unique experience though of being able to be reunited with this therapist after a year. I never thought that it would be an option but I couldn't turn it down. Since then, my t and I have spent a lot of time talking about our termination and all the emotions and abandonment feelings. She said that she thought about me a great deal. So to answer your question- I think that it's normal to think about a t that you had a close relationship with. I thought about my t every day that I wasn't her client. I also think though that if you had a good relationship, your t probably has thought about you as well. Therapists are taught to withhold their emotions in front of their clients but they are human too. My therapist told me that she still has gifts that her clients from twenty years ago made for her. Therapists remember their past patients.

[purplemystery]

Miswimmy1- Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you ended up being able to sort things through with your T again, and it must have been great to hear about her side of things as well, especially since you weren't ever expecting to go back. I bet my T still thinks of me sometimes. Now that it's almost been a year, I am worried that she is thinking of me less and less, and that eventually she won't think of me at all, but she probably does think about me more than I know. And I have to be okay with not knowing for sure. But a silver lining is that I am allowed to send her e-mail updates once or twice a year, so she will at least think of me then.